Bulimia Help

I have two family members that we are basically waiting for them to die. It is enevitable. They don't even know who we are anymore. They just sit there and slowly fade away....
My husband has not had a death in his family yet in his lifetime. One of them is his great grandmother. He loves her so much and all we can do is sit and talk to her but she does not ever know we are there.
Its the same for my uncle. It's so sad to watch and I have to be the strong one because I know how to handle this.
That was.....until I found out my husband is getting laid off. He has only a couple of weeks left and I am so scared because I don't know if we are going to be able to afford our bills. I am so scared and I dont know how we are going to survive. How am I supposed to deal with this when I am having to start preparing for when they die to help set up their funerals!!?!?!?!?

I know God is supposed to only give as much as I can handle, but I dont think I can handle this right now!!!!! During my lunch break and took a quick swig of whiskey. It was a bad thing to do because all I wanted to do is b/p after that. So...I just sat there and waited to go back to work.

I just don't know what to do....

Hey everyone i just discovered this site because unfortunately i feel stupid again cus i am battling an eating disorder i thought i had beat. i just wanted to say its amazing to read all your blogs, to know that there are other people like me, thinking about the same things and sharing the same shame i feel. anyways i just wanted to say i think that there is hope for us all because if there is one thing i find a lot of psychiatrists agree on its that this kind of disorder that occurs in people who are very smart. so yay us!
so yeah id love to talk to you guys please reply, i havent told my family, or anyone, what im dealing with because theyve dealt with it before and are sick of it. frankly, im sick and bored of it too so i can understand.
i have had anorexia too before, but now im back here.

Shoot, i absolutely hate what I have done today. I think I got to that point where I was putting too much pressure on myself to get better, too worried about school, about bf, about family, friends, everything. And it just all built up, I didn't vent to anybody recently, I didn't want to vent to anybody because I don't want people's lives to be negatively affected by my sad/lonely thoughts at times. Normally i am a very happy person around all people, but recently there's been this really dark cloud and I really just want to break out of and return to my normal happy self. Today was just a day of triggers, thoughts, triggers, everything.

I know that sounds like a rant, but after almost 80 days purge free, today i broke. I am ashamed to write this journal, I really am.

HOWEVER post b/p, i can honestly say I did not get that high i used to get from it. I absolutely hated what I did today, i even stood over the toilet wondering if i should do it, but I broke and dealt with my pains that way. You know how after a relationship you just want closure/to know it's over with, for some reason I am comparing this b/p with that. I honestly feel like it's over, like I won't do it again. It did not bring me pleasure at all, contrary it just makes me want to get better even more. I know what life is like without it, and I enjoy it quite more.

I am not giving up, my count is still continuing. This was just a minor relapse, and my eyes re-opened that I have a lot of other issues to deal with still, and I don't want to deal with them this way!! So bulimia screw you, you are out of my life, I love my body, I love my people.

Things I will now be dealing with:
-I have to express my emotions better towards people
-I have to stop worrying about things that are out of my reach
-Must stop even with an urge to binge- i found fruits have the best effect on me actually, instead of binging I would just have fruits!
-Be less tired so I can properly deal with everything

Ugg...what a day. It's a shame in a way that I only make the time to write on my "bad days". I've actually been b/p free for about a week and a half!

Today I had a major relapse though. I know why-

I had an absolute shit day. I woke up today feeling depressed because of an awful dream I had that shook my self esteem to my core.

I am also having a really hard time at work lately and am not getting along with my boss. The whole day I felt depressed and like no matter how hard I tried to do a good job or to do things right, I kept screwing up. It is a super frustrating feeling. I left work feeling like I failed and just as depressed as when I went.

So i did binge and purge today...which sucks. But at least now I'm letting myself have time to sit, relax and reflect on my day and my emotions.

Hey! I'm sorry that i haven't been here for a while, but i have had problems with my computer. I really, really missed you! :)

During my absence I've been actually doing pretty well, at some point i managed to achieve 4 days without binging, which is a huge step forward for me. But, unfortunately, something has changed and this week is really hard, i binge every day and it makes me pretty depressed :/ Those binges caused some problems at school, because when i binge i can't focus on anything else + i feel really week because of the purging. I have a really important exam this saturday and i should study, but right now all i can think about is food. Ugh... I hope tomorrow's gonna be better, 'cause otherwise... i don't know. I'm so tired. It's just really discouraging.

Recovery seems like a dream, but at the same time, it seems like a path I shouldn’t need to embark on. I was fine. I was absolutely fine and better than ever…for over 5 years. I simply relapsed; bulimia crept back into my life so slowly and subtly that I barely heard it tiptoeing back.

Maybe emotionally I was never completely fine, but my problems didn’t express themselves through disordered eating habits. Sometimes I would cry and feel like my world was crashing down. Sometimes I’d get drunk and have unhealthy relationships with assholes. But I had no issues with food and weight. So what happened? Why all of the sudden am I deep in the throes of an eating disorder…trapped, suffocated and addicted?

I don't know the answer but I have some guesses. I think that when I got married and my life changed so drastically, I couldn't quite cope with all the changes. I felt lost in the "grown up" world of having a real job and having real responsibility. It was a lot of pressure. Also, although I love my husband dearly, marriage in general made me feel somewhat trapped. I felt like I lost my identity somewhat and a lot of my "will". In a lot of ways, I am much calmer inside now that I'm married, and I enjoy many parts of my life with my husband. On the other hand, I missed being spontaneous, free, having causal affairs and never knowing what exciting thing was about to happen.

What I am trying to do is look at the deeper reasons behind these things to try to really figure out what I am looking for. For example, if I look deeper I wonder if I was somewhat motivated by a desire to get approval from guys and when I was married, this was no longer possible. I mean, I have approval from my husband but it's not the same somehow.

I'm feeling like shit.

On Saturday the stress started. I had a big farewell party & organising the food as well as being alone at home was difficult.

Sunday was relaxed, and I wasn't too tired despite no sleep.

I crashed Monday, and overate and binged.

Tuesday I felt like shit and overate and binged and purged.

Today I feel even worse. I have overeaten and binged. Nopurge but that hardly matters.

I need to be doing so much stuff. I am moving into university college in another city and I have to organise to get my stuff up there. It's not as though I can just drive it all up either. I am going by plane, and taking 15 kg. I'll put a few things in my friend's car tonight. And the rest I have to fit in boxes (i.e. I have to find boxes of a specific size and fit everything in them and send them by post). I feel really stressed because I have enough trouble with clothesalready. Now I have to decide in advance what clothes I will wear while meeting a whole lot of new judgemental 20 year olds that I have to live with for a year or three.

And, I'm home alone doing all this. I hate it!

I invited my ex over today cause I needed to get something off him. That worked out well. He was here for 2 hours and despite our tendency to revert to old times (first love never wants to die despite our total incompatability), we just chatted and played darts. I managed to get some stuff doen while he was here too which was positive.

I feel like taking sleeping tablets tonight and just having a good 12hours. Hell I feel like doing that now But of course I can't.

I leave on Saturday and I have so much to do now. I'm really stressed.

I had a bad day yesterday. I was alone all day and it started because I was hungry, then ate too much. I had been restricting a lot and I think that's what did it. I'm really trying to set up a SE plan now though. I just keep telling myself that I need the energy to do my workouts.

Of course I told my boyfriend about my bad day - that's something I made myself promise to do is tell him no matter what. Sometimes it will stop a binge because I know that I hate telling him, so I just won't do it. It seems like I can only go a few days though without succumbing to a binge, and I know this sounds familiar to a lot of you. Is this just part of recovery? I feel like when I have a minor relapse, I have failed. Then again, it's not like I completely give up trying to recover and I'm definitely not b/p as much as I used to.

Still fighting <3

xoxo

Pardon my language. I am just VERY, VERY annoyed with myself. One week ago, I had been fine for nearly 30 days. Why did I let one bad day trigger four bad days.

My boyfriend is home and can 'smell' the fact that i haven't had a good day, despite my cleaning, changing clothes, etc. etc. To be honest I kind of can smell it too. That lingering smell of vomit.

My skin has got worse in the last few days. I look at myself and feel disgusting. Why oh why oh why.

I had made it almost 5 days without purging and last night I gave in. I feel horrible today. It made me feel better at first but we all know the wonderful b/p hangover. I find it hard to make it much more than 5-7 days because I feel so bloated, nauseated, and fat when I am trying to do structured eating. I read a lot of post where ya'll say structured eating makes you feel so good. I don't experience this. I almost feel like I have the flu when I am trying to keep my food down. I must say though it isn't as bad as having this huge face again, feeling extremely depressed, and feeling so hungover this morning. I had eaten a normal dinner last night and then all at once I felt so scared of all the weight I was gaining. So I went into a dumb b/p to relieve the anxiety of not purging for so many days. I even am having suicidal thoughts now but I know I won't act on them. I have them quite often when I am in the bulimia. Today I am going to try to stay positive. I just had a lapse and that is a normal part of recovery. If I choose to not forgive myself for this slip it will only lead to more b/p. No matter how crappy I feel today I must move forward. I need some encouragement today so that I will continue on in my recovery.