Bulimia Help

One second is all it takes for everything to change; to go from good to bad.

I'm lying on my bed, feeling half conscient although being wide awake; the numbness is taking over. My vision is blury, my throat is sore. I don't wanna look into my mirror; I know how puffy my eyes are, how swollen my glands are: I can feel it. Funny how you can feel nothing and everything at the same time. I just wish a could disappear, just for a moment.

B/p hangover its called.
So tired, but cant sleep.

I thought I had made it through the day; ate my two snacks and three meals. Everything was perfectly fine, I was feeling positive, confident and proud of myself. Then I went out at a shisha bar with some close friends, good plans in perspective.
... Untill they started asking. Asking questions. Too many questions. Questions I dont wanna answer, cuz I actually dont have the answer. And talking. Talking way too much. Talking about shits I'm trying to forget, mistakes I did for which I'm feeling guilty. But I guess there are times when you cannot escape, facing the truth is the only remaining option. At that point, my head is spinning.

I'm sick of this. Sick of being a failure. Sick of being lost. Sick of disappointing people I love. Sick of hurting people. Sick of making mistakes. Sick of trying to be perfect. Sick of caring too much. Sick of those rumours, that I didnt want to start.
Cuz its my fault. At that point, guilt is taking over.

Got home. Opened the fridge. Ate a shit fkn load of food. Ran into the bathroom. Puked all I could. At that point, I have just destroyed all the efforts I made today.

Im really happy because Ive been FINALLY eating on a structured meal plan for 6 full days. Wow. AMazing. The big problem? I work at a gym and was supposed to be working these last 2 weeks. I, in a state of depression and having a terrible bout of the flu, slept and became really depressed, finally deciding to do something about this bulimia and started fresh on December 28th. So its good. But I dont know what to do. My boyfriend and I just moved into a new place Dec 15, its wonderful, and hes the best support EVER. I am so blessed. The problem is that Im supposed to go to work Monday, back at the gym. I dont think its a good idea as the new job that I just got a promotion for entitles me to work odd hours 5 days a week, for example: Mon 11-9 Tues 1-10 Wed 8-6 Thurs off Fri off then 12-9 Sat and 8-4 Sunday. It changes every week so youre never really sure of when youll be off so its almost IMPOSSIBLE to plan meals. I dont know what to do. I want to find something different, but we need the money. I have enough saved so that Januarys rent and bills are taken care of, but its SO TOUGH to not feel like Im contributing something financially. My boyfriend thinks I shouldnt go back, that I should fess up to my boss (who genuinely cares about and likes me) and tell her whats up. He says that my recovery has to come fist. I do know this, I just feel trapped and am afraid I wont find a better job. Stress from lack of job or money is not the reason I want to mess up my eating, but neither is working a job I absolutely HATE. I dont know. What do you think?

I am home for Christmas and have made it through almost 2 days b/p free. That is a huge success for me. When I am not b/p I am so triggered by whatever everyone is or isn't eating. I have been having breakfast, lunch, and dinner but no one else around me does. My mom and dad eat like birds the older they get. My grandma doesn't eat at all anymore and my granddad just brags all the time about how skinny he is. I just want to scream! When I am in my bulimia I am oblivious to what is going on around me because I am so into myself and my food. I also start thinking about the past a lot when I am not in my bulimia. I hate feeling all these feelings and I know that is why I like to b/p. I have got to find a healthier way of dealing with all of these emotions. When am I just going to let the past be the past???

oh boy. no school or work today. TRAPPED in the house with crappy processed food. its cold and miserable. and this weather and time of year makes me super stressed and depressed. i am going to need a lot of willpower this winter. i cant wait until i finish my rn and can get the shit out of this stupid snowy state and work in a tropical paradise where i never have to shovel again. and i only eat food that is grown from the earth by local farmers or caught from the sea by the local fishermen.

I rarely ever drink, tomorrow is an important event and I know I will drink, most likely an Irish coffee. My concern is that I have never been drunk since I became bulimic and I am worried that if I am too inebriated I might binge.

Has this happened to anyone? Im a real light weight so I dont plan to have much at all.

and I cannot quit it until I find a new one. I have a new job that starts mid september and ends in november but I will still be working at...ya ready for this? McDonald's!!! Okay, so im a vegetarian and I believe that McDonald's and the scum it feeds people is so wrong, and causes obesity and yada yada yada. I went to college to become a nutritionist (yeah good joke right? Bulimic nutritionist? Why is that..its like psychos becoming psychiatrists..theres got a to be a certain draw to it)...idk anyways, Im stuck there until I find a more permanent less trigger happy area to work. I binge almost every night im there. I think its because I hate it, the managers dont care, and theres food everywhere. Today, I decided to eat a little something there because I was hungry. I took half a honey wheat bun, put some cheese and a tomato on it, and had some fries with it. Okay, not the best thing to eat but I did so slowly, with meaning, and was full afterwards. An hour and a half or so later, id been chewing gum and distracted from eating..but then SOMETHING happened. I spit out the gum ate fries, ketchup, the manager went outside, so I made a sundae, a cinnamon melt, a tortilla with chipotle sauce cheese and lettuce, and just went to town. After that, I got out of work, purged, talked with a friend I hadnt seen in awhile, Nate, ate a sundae, kept it in because it took off the edge of the burning in my guts. I wish the managers kept a better eye on us, everyone eats and makes it look okay and sometimes theres literally NOTHING to do and I dont like the people there enough to just talk to them...i dont know what it is about that place but 95% of my bingeing happens there, otherwise im the epitomy of control. Does anyone have any ideas for a solution or why I do this?

I have not been doing well at all this week. It started out a little rocky, but I was able to keep myself from binging and purging until two days ago. Since Wednesday, I have had one mini binge following a purge and another purge after I ate things I wasn't happy about. Another thing that has been going on is NO sleep... literally, I'm awake ALL night, tossing and turning. Usually thinking about food. Last night I was so fed up, literally about to cry, because I just wanted to sleep. I was also fed up because I KNOW I had eaten my calorie amount for the day, but had not eaten enough fat in my diet, and was feeling hungry and anxious.. and I think that is what may have been keeping me up all week. I wasn't doing it on purpose.. I knew I hadn't been eating everything I should have, but looking at this week, I wasn't really eating any fat in my diet, and I think that contributed to a lotta the problems this week. Anyways, I finally got up around 3 and went to the kitchen.. ate a lot. Then fell right to sleep. Now, I'm awake, it's a new day, I'm honestly not hungry, but I'm feeling so anxious about my eating, how I'm going to eat in the future, and I keep thinking about how I want to binge. I want to really really bad right now, but I'm trying to do anything to not alllow myself. SO I got on here to talk it all out.

I had an okay day. I am over indulging I think. I had: 6 guilt foods. I feel terrible and lonely and lost and fat.

I did work out which is good I guess it was fun: handball practice.

However I was disappointed in myself for eating so much junk and I hated myself for being so big.

Also, at dinner there's this one girl: she is super thin and probably the most stunning girl I've ever seen in my life..I'm sooo jealous of her. Anyways so she was just eating like normal plate of food and suddenly disappeared to the bathroom but I knew she wasn't purging bcos she asked this other girl to go with her and said she felt sick to her and then now back In the dorm she told our dorm-mster and she was sick again w/ some stomach virus. Anyways it just really made me feel nervous/anxious/queasy. Nobody mentioned bulimia until my other friend who like diets and counts calories found out. U know what she said: "bulimia really bites u in the ass huh"
I was like umm she's not bulimic. I hate it how she makes assumptions like that!
Anyways it was really triggering.

I'm so sad right now.