Cracking Up

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The_Great_Escape
The_Great_Escape's picture
Cracking Up

Apologies in advance for the depressing rant......I feel like I need to unload everything and don't know where else to go.

I've had issues with food/self-image for as long as I can remember.......even at 6 I was engaging in restricting behaviours. Since I was 13, I've experienced varying degrees of both anorexia and bulimia. Like many people on this site, I've tried all sorts of treatments, medications and self help methods and nothing seems to work. Therefore, I tried to tackle this beast alone and it was at my lowest point (when I thought I was going to die) that I discovered this wonderful website. Reading other people's experiences and having the support of my amazing husband has been the difference between life and death for me. Over the last couple of years, I've managed to increase my weight to a safer level and have started to get back on track with life.....getting married and starting uni.

However...the bulimia has never left my side, no matter what I try and do to get rid of it. I pretend that everything is ok now and even my husband doesn't know how much I still struggle, which makes me feel even worse that I'm being dishonest. I've always been up and down but lately I feel like I'm cracking up. The bulimia is worse than it has been in a long time and slowly but surely, I feel myself losing control. One minute I can be on top of the world and the next, I'm crashing down in a deep depression. It may sound crazy but some days I feel like I'm sad and happy at the same time. I've even wanted to self harm again and had suicidal thoughts, which I haven't had in a long time. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't actually do anything but it makes me feel like I'm going backwards.

I hate my brain, I hate myself and I hate this disgusting illness. It sabotages anything good that happens in life and I've had enough of it. The problem is, I don't know how to get rid of it. Right now, I feel like I'm going to be living with it forever. I thought about going to see my GP, as I was diagnosed with depression before but they don't seem to listen to what I'm actually saying. I don't like the treatment that focuses so much on calorie counting and food.....I would rather have a long term treatment that helps me deal with the reasons why I emotionally eat. That seems to be easier said than done.

Argh. Apologies again for the melodramatic blog.......I admire everyone on here that has gone weeks, even months with bingeing and purging. I can't even seem to last a day and would love to know how other people pull themselves out of their depression. I feel as though there are two parts of my brain that are fighting for control; the part that wants to recover and the bulimic part that wants me to stay in my depressed safety net, where it can keep tabs on me.

Thank you for reading and much love to you all xxx

Throw it away, forget yesterday,
We'll make the great escape,
Won't hear a word they say,
They dont know us anyway.

Coach Jen
Coach Jen's picture
Hi there!  I hope that just

Hi there! 

I hope that just writing these words for someone to read made you feel a bit better. I know that it sure helped me in my own recovery too! This is such a safe community where you can write how you feel and know that someone out there can relate. Just remember that you are not alone.

I also understand what you say about bulimia not wanting to let go. I felt that same way for a long time. I thought I needed my eating disorder to deal with my painful things in life. I thought it helped relieve my stress and frustration. In reality, it only made all those things a million times worse. Bulimia is like an abusive relationship. It takes and never gives, but you feel like you need it. But you don't deserve it. You deserve recovery. You deserve to live your life in freedom and without the guilt and shame of an eating disorder. I'm glad you found this site, as I had tried many other recovery methods too and I was afraid that nothing would work. 

Give structured eating a try. Give recovery your full attention and effort. You deserve to do this for yourself. I hope you are feeling in a better place today. Have a great weekend!

The_Great_Escape
The_Great_Escape's picture
Hi Jen :) Thank you for the

Hi Jen :)

Thank you for the lovely comment and for adding me as a friend. I don't mean to be so depressing but you know when you feel like your head is full to the brim and you need to release some of it somehow. It really is an amazing community.... reading through other people's blogs and forums makes you realise that you're really not the only one. Even when it comes to silly things that you thought no one else could possibly be thinking.

I'm pleased to say that I'm feeling better today. It doesn't help that like many people, I have problems sleeping, which always makes everything worse. I find that's the prime time when things start whirling round in my head. You hit the nail on the head by saying that bulimia is like an abusive relationship. I like to think I'm an intelligent person and like most people who are suffering, I probably know more about the illness/the risks/the correct nutrition than most Doctors. But for some reason I just can't pull away and do the right thing, no matter how hard I try.

Your story really is inspirational and I think it's wonderful that you still come on here to help others. I would love to be in a place like that someday. I know that I deserve to focus on myself and get better. It's going to be a long road but hell will it be worth it in the end!

Throw it away, forget yesterday,
We'll make the great escape,
Won't hear a word they say,
They dont know us anyway.

i-hope
i-hope's picture
Sending you some warm,

Sending you some warm, snuggly ((((((HUGS))))))
It was really brave of you to share your thoughts- I think even sometimes just being able to "get it out" of your head is a relief in itself x

The_Great_Escape
The_Great_Escape's picture
Thank you :) I didn't want to

Thank you :)
I didn't want to sound melodramatic and felt really guilty after I posted it.....like I shouldn't be unloading all my problems and depressing everyone else that is doing so well! I almost deleted it but I've made myself keep it up. I figured that I can keep referring back to it, so that when I'm having a good day, I see how far I've come :) cc

xx

Throw it away, forget yesterday,
We'll make the great escape,
Won't hear a word they say,
They dont know us anyway.

The_Great_Escape
The_Great_Escape's picture
Please ignore the 'cc' at the

Please ignore the 'cc' at the end.....not quite sure what happened there!!

Throw it away, forget yesterday,
We'll make the great escape,
Won't hear a word they say,
They dont know us anyway.

i-hope
i-hope's picture
It was unjustified guilt. We

It was unjustified guilt. We are all here to support eachother as much as we are looking for support. It is ok to let us know where you're at :) xxx

Perri Girl
Perri Girl's picture
I just joined yesterday. I

I just joined yesterday. I feel exactly the same way. Haven't gone a day without b/p in my whole 24 years of being bulimic. It's scary seeing it written down. I admire your courage for sharing how you feel. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone!!! HUGS!!!

Lotah
Lotah's picture
I hear what you are saying. I

I hear what you are saying. I have been in that very same pit of depression, guilt, self-loathing and lack of hope of ever being able to break free. I suffered from EDs for nearly 30 years before I found this programme about a year and a half ago - I was at rock bottom. I could barely keep water down. And like with you, nobody IRL had a clue about what was going on.
The wonderful thing about the BHM is that it doesn't focus on calories or anything like that. At first it is just about structured eating (SE). it sounds completely counterintuitive, but it actually works. For many weeks, I ate mainly porridge (often several times a day, it was one of my few safe foods). Every three hours I ate something. It's hard to explain but over the months, as my body became better fed, the depression started to lift a little - there were some flashes of light among the darkness. And over the past 18 months of recovery, the times when the depression has been at its worst have been the times when I was stuck in a relapse.
I am not pretending depression doesn't exist or that food can cure it, but it certainly has helped improve it for me.
It is only now - with a fairly solid recovery foundation beneath my feet - that I am starting to feel able to look at the emotional issues and all the things in my past that I never dealt with because I buried them all away under the ED blanket from the age of 11 onwards.
Please don't give up - you deserve recovery and the freedom it brings. You will get there. One baby step at a time. SE and as much rest as you can fit in.
Hang in there.
Sending you the biggest hug xxx

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