Apologies in advance for the depressing rant......I feel like I need to unload everything and don't know where else to go.
I've had issues with food/self-image for as long as I can remember.......even at 6 I was engaging in restricting behaviours. Since I was 13, I've experienced varying degrees of both anorexia and bulimia. Like many people on this site, I've tried all sorts of treatments, medications and self help methods and nothing seems to work. Therefore, I tried to tackle this beast alone and it was at my lowest point (when I thought I was going to die) that I discovered this wonderful website. Reading other people's experiences and having the support of my amazing husband has been the difference between life and death for me. Over the last couple of years, I've managed to increase my weight to a safer level and have started to get back on track with life.....getting married and starting uni.
However...the bulimia has never left my side, no matter what I try and do to get rid of it. I pretend that everything is ok now and even my husband doesn't know how much I still struggle, which makes me feel even worse that I'm being dishonest. I've always been up and down but lately I feel like I'm cracking up. The bulimia is worse than it has been in a long time and slowly but surely, I feel myself losing control. One minute I can be on top of the world and the next, I'm crashing down in a deep depression. It may sound crazy but some days I feel like I'm sad and happy at the same time. I've even wanted to self harm again and had suicidal thoughts, which I haven't had in a long time. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't actually do anything but it makes me feel like I'm going backwards.
I hate my brain, I hate myself and I hate this disgusting illness. It sabotages anything good that happens in life and I've had enough of it. The problem is, I don't know how to get rid of it. Right now, I feel like I'm going to be living with it forever. I thought about going to see my GP, as I was diagnosed with depression before but they don't seem to listen to what I'm actually saying. I don't like the treatment that focuses so much on calorie counting and food.....I would rather have a long term treatment that helps me deal with the reasons why I emotionally eat. That seems to be easier said than done.
Argh. Apologies again for the melodramatic blog.......I admire everyone on here that has gone weeks, even months with bingeing and purging. I can't even seem to last a day and would love to know how other people pull themselves out of their depression. I feel as though there are two parts of my brain that are fighting for control; the part that wants to recover and the bulimic part that wants me to stay in my depressed safety net, where it can keep tabs on me.
Thank you for reading and much love to you all xxx