On the verge of relapse

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aimzmarie
aimzmarie's picture
On the verge of relapse

I'm back. And it's not good in my eyes but in a way I guess it is because I'm coming here first instead of purging!
I've been purge free for 5 years now. In that time I've settled down with a lovely chap and we got married 6 months ago! I have a lovely house and work is going in the right direction!
However, like a lot of brides - I wanted to loose weight for my wedding. I think I did it sensibly - I exercised and ate healthy but still allowed myself some nice foods when I wanted - but I think in that frame I was still restricting in a way because I still said no to food when I would have said yes.
Since then, I've eaten what I wanted over the past 4 months. I've gained quite a lot of weight. My clothes feel tight and I'm feeling like a blob! I'm very emotional and constantly feel horrible just looking at myself. How do I find that balance!!??? Clearly I haven't found a happy medium! I eat well at home with my husband. Probably too much. But he went away this weekend and I binged. (Didn't purge although wanted to!) and I realised I only eat sensibly when he is around. When he's not - I binge. I have urges to binge when I'm with him but I don't because I'm scared of what he will think of me! (He knows all about my bulimia and is wonderfully patient with me!)
I realise I have put on weight because I've not eaten sensibly. I get that. But when you generally want to loose 10 pounds (I promise I am a very healthy weight - in fact I'm not over weight!) how do I do it without restricting!!?? I have joined a boot camp. More because to get me out and so I get exercise three times a week.
How do I find that balance of healthy eating, exercise and then allowing myself my fun foods?? How do I get to that point of the weight I want to be and sensibly loose it without reverting to old habits.

There must be some people out there that have done really well but then put on too much (when I say too much I'm over my healthy bmj and I know what my comfortable weight is - I promise I'm not being silly and trying to be skinny!) how do we loose weight without loosing control again???

natascha
natascha's picture
I think it is very important

I think it is very important to realize where your priorities are.
I recommend you to get back into structured eating with enough calories and also
loved fun foods and accept that for somebody with an serious eating disorder this
is the needed step to get eating into balance.
If you can give up your wish to loose weight, than you can give up over-eating and
your body will show you how much it wants to weigh.
I dont want to hurt you, I am in the same boot,stopped purging but am still learning
not to overeat AND give up my wish to diet and loose weight.
For me this is the only way:loving acceptance NOW,appreciating and caring for my body which is more heavy than ever, being grateful not to vomit anymore and going on to accept
feelings,live mindful and creating space for my inner being.
Than I am less occupied and anxious about my bigger body and less pronr toovereat.
I wish you lots of selflove and determination to give up dieting mentality and
give you time and patience to find your balance with meals.
Eating mostly whole foods and organic also helps me a lot to honour my foods.
And also eating every 3 hours.
I wish youluck and admire your strength to stay clean for 5 years from purging food.
That is amazing!

Love,

Natascha

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