I agreed to go out with friends Friday night. We'll be driving to the city for dinner, drinks, and dancing. I'm not at any risk for BP at this point, but in the past the ONLY way I could tolerate situations like this was to drink A LOT and reward myself with a huge binge when I got home at the end of the night. The truth is, I don't enjoy going out late and I really dislike clubs and dancing. I don't like spending money or being in loud environments. I don't like eating dinner past 6pm.
So, why am I going? Because when I think about the times in my life I've had a lot of friends (and especially the times I've met boyfriends, which is something I really want right now) it has always been the result of going to parties. I think of this as an obligation, something I don't want to do but I have to. It's like people who have a part of their job they don't like, such as public speaking. I want so badly to learn how to tolerate situations like this without getting drunk or bingeing.
This is what happens to me: I wake up and immediately start counting how many more hours until I get to come back to bed (usually it's about 20 if I know I'll be out late). Then I go through my day freaked out, worried I won't have enough energy. I have dinner at my usual time (5pm) and sit and watch the clock until it's time to "go out." I might drink a bunch of coffee or something. 3/4 of the time, I cancel at the last minute. Then if I do make it out, I watch the clock obsessively and look for my "out." Then the next day, I feel like crap because my sleep and eating cycles are off.
What's wrong with me? How can I get over this? I wonder if I should just take a bunch of anti-anxiety pills and not drink any alcohol. Or coffee? Take candy with me and eat one every 5 minutes as an incentive to be there? The thing is, I love people, but in loud environments, I can't connect with people because I can't talk.