am i paranoid

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melikat_
melikat_'s picture
am i paranoid

since starting this journey i feel very blessed with my progress at work, im happy confident and now have great relationships with my staff. at home my house has never been so clean and organised. but the one area i feel so vunreable is my realtionship with my boyfriend, its our one year aniversary this weekend. he is great a really lovely guy, but i guess i have always kept him at arms lenght because of bulimia. now thaqt im in recovery i have put on some extra wieght. when i met him i was in a restictive phase and weighed the least i have ever in my life. now i have put on a few kgs and also bloat. i feel like he is picking on me now. pointing out my flaws. and to be honest i have pined for this guy for a year, but the way i feel right now. i could take him or leave him. i wish i clould just recover on my own and not have to worry about what he thinks of me. but i also know that if i leave him, the best borfriend i have ever had, he wont be there when im ready in a few months time. maybe il just drive him away with my bloated belly or crazy insecurities, what ever comes first?

does anyone else have these issues

Melikat_

Bernutri
Bernutri's picture
WOW... I wish I was a fly on

WOW...

I wish I was a fly on the wall for a bit (well I don't really - I have my own issues...but..) I wish I could see if he is not being the best boyfriend you really think he is or if you are being paranoid - because I know how paranoid I can get and I know how I can turn stuff in on myself and even make people notice the stuff about me that I fear them most knowing.

I have had a few boyfriends (wish I wasn't actually writing that - but that is life) and the one I have now is fanastic - esp because I could turn into a ten tonne elephant and he wouldn't give a shit. I have even tried to point out all my flaws to him and he hasn't battered an eye lid. I even cut all my hair off and people say to me what does your boyfriend think and all he has said is that it looks sexy - the guy is blind - but i think I will keep him anyway.
I do know that a month or so ago when I was in the food and I was berating myself so badly, was actual torture for him and i think he has a spring in his step because I haven't been munching through all the food in the house and saying how fat I am.

It is impossible for you to know what you will look like in a few month or when ever you actually feel comfortable in your own skin. you only have Today.
you seem to be brave enough to know that recovery is your main prioity and what ever your future holds it will be better than you bulimia struggle of the past xo

ps I hope I haven't said anything offensive here I haven't ment to

Bernie

darthdawn
darthdawn's picture
Hi Melikat, does he know

Hi Melikat, does he know about your struggles with ED and that you're in recovery? For my husband, a timeline was helpful. I told him I was going to be going through ups and downs for a year. seems long, maybe, but not when you think of a lifetime.
It's hard to say whether you're paranoid without some examples, but I think usually we are our own harshest critics, and our men don't notice a bit of weight here and there. When I was heavier my husband would still pick out clothes for me that were figure hugging, and I'd tell him I couldn't wear them because of weight gain, he never understood that - so it was more my inner critic than his. most men are happy as long as there's affection and they're not kept at arms length due to our insecurities. We're the ones who over think things ;)
that all being said, some partners are truly critical and dangerous for our self-esteem. If he is acting in that way, I would talk to him about the recovery timeline, and weight fluctuations being normal and for the course, but how this extra weight makes you anxious and is a challenge in recovery and his unconditional support is important. good luck!

``It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good`` - Nina Simone

melikat_
melikat_'s picture
thanks for all your advice, i

thanks for all your advice, i think he extra weight may bother him abit but he is only young and i think he is learning that it is not the most important thing, because i know he is with me more because of my personality than anything else. he has no idea about what i am going through or that i have ed. he thinks that i have it alltogether, and untill recently i have been able to eat my bad emotions away, but now the are all coming to the surface, so i guess i am having to learn how to process the things i feel differently.

Melikat_

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