I joined the site 4/5 months ago or so and got to day 4. But from then on over the past 4-5 months or so, I have had far too many slip ups to count and not focused on recovery. However I know I need to get back on my plan to recovery and so I am giving the programme another go. I have been reading all the blogs and forums and thought I should pluck up the courage and also msge on the site. It seems to be a huge source of support and that is what I need to recover so here goes.....
I am at day 4 and feeling really chuffed with myself so far. I almost began a binge at the start of day 2......began nibbling on humus and rye bread which could have so easily led to a binge and purge. I stopped though and took myself out on a walk and completely managed to diffuse the binge urge to continue- this is probably the first time in years I have ever been able to do this and was really proud of myself.
Day 3 I began to feel I could binge if I had been left alone but luckily I had planned a day to be with friends and family all day. This kept me really busy and hence my binging thoughts and opportunities were not there. I am a primary teacher so on holidays at the moment. I thought this would be the best time to really focus on recovery as I am always using work as an excuse as to why I resort to food due to stress and tiredness.. But I am finding having little structure to my day and being in the house on my own quite tricky as the opportunity to Bp is there. I try to set myself a timetable for the day and make sure I get out the house and do lots of little jobs to break the day up, but it takes willpower to override the thoughts of Bp and take myself out. Does anyone have any tips on how to manage days at home on your own?
I am also worried that perhaps if I am looking for opportunities to Bp, do I really want to recover yet? Is this normal? I know deep down I want to recover and need to for my health, but I can't help thinking that I shouldn't be on the look out for opportunities to Bp if I was in the right head space to recover..
I also have developed bad habits in regard to drinking and used alcohol as a way to pick me up and feel happier by means of escapism. Having had drinks at night I would then eat too much and lose control of restricting my food and eat too much. My partner doesn't know about my ED and therefore I would struggle to purge in secrecy in the evenings, so go to bed uncomfortably full. I would wake up the next morning and feel the need to binge to get rid of the previous nights food still in my stomach (sounds crazy as I know the calories will have absorbed into my blood stream). Does anyone else struggle with alcohol as a way to escape their feelings and use it as a pick me up but find it causes havoc with their eating?
I have now stared to have dreams about food and alcohol. I s this typical for early recovery stages? I woke up with relief this didn't happen but feeling worried that today I may binge and break my Bp free cycle. Idol anyone else find they dreamt about food during the early stages?
Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated and thank you for all your blogs and posts, they have really helped me over the past few days to kick start my recovery and follow the programme :)