Been in program for 3 days. Been bulimic for 23 years

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Ericacolorado
Ericacolorado's picture
Been in program for 3 days. Been bulimic for 23 years

Hi

I'm new to this program. I want to give this my all but already feeling defeated like I might be bulimic for ever. I can start my day fine but around 10am. I feel grumpy/irratatable because I need the purge. I never realized how much stress releasing happens just through the purge. I'm sure the binge helps to but I've been trying to pay attention to my feelings. I feel like at those moments I'm gonna crawl out of my skin. I can't really go any where at that time because I'm at work. I keep telling myself just wait and this will pass but then all I can think about is when is lunch. Then I binge and purge at lunch because I can't take it anymore. And then heck the day is shot. I blew it so I just binge and purge all my meals for the rest of the day. What am I doing wrong? Is anyone else feeling this way? I feel alone and destined to be like this forever. I feel exhausted with this disease And like maybe this is just who I'll always be. Bulimic
Thanks for listening

Erica

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
No, it's not how you'll

No, it's not how you'll always be, I promise. I had eating disorders, bulimia and anorexia and everything inbetween, for over twenty years and I have been purge free for over 110 days! Before that I could not manage a morning without purging, let alone a whole day. I just suddenly clicked and but the bullet, so to speak, it's been he'll at times, but worth it.

You'll find a way through. For the moment,try to think in minutes rather than hours and days. At the beginning we wake up almost knowing we will succumb to purging at some point and it feels like the day is ruined, but it's not. Try to get through one hour at a time. One meal not purged is a triumph, even if the rest of the day falls flat.

I used to purge all my meals and all my fluids and was in a really bad spot. I thought I would never recover. Now looking back I can't believe I have got this far, so it is possible. Think small, remember small achievements. Making it to 10am one day, rather than 9 or pushing yourself to resist purging after a meal for an extra 10 minutes, an extra 1/2 an hour. Those mall things will gradually add up and each small thing is a positive towards your health. Every time you resist just a little bit, you are showing great strength, even if it's not a whole day or even making it past lunchtime. Make each little thing count, it'll help you stay positive or you'll get overwhelmed.

Welcome and good luck!

Lea

supernatural.lady
supernatural.lady's picture
Hi, you are not your bulimia

Hi, you are not your bulimia and don't define yourself by this disorder. When we struggle with bulimia we don't know who we are without it. It's frightening.

Have you read BRAIN OVER BINGE? It doesn't help everyone but it really helped my stop purging and over time my eating has become more normal because my body knows it's not starving anymore. So much of this disorder is brain conditioning and the book really spelled that out for me which clicked for me as I'm a logical practical kind of person.

This is just the beginning of your recovery, you will amaze yourself with who you can be beyond bulimia x

Kelly

Kelly - this time its real

Ericacolorado
Ericacolorado's picture
Thanks for the kind words. I

Thanks for the kind words. I did have a better day today. I researched the BRAIN OVER BINGE web site. Wow that has some great words that I felt like I could really relate to. I used it and made it to 5 pm today without binging and purging. It wasn't even as hard as I thought when I practiced disassociating the urge to binge as not part of my thinking. I did blow it at dinner. Sometimes the craziness of having 3 kids tAkes away being centered but I'm not beating myself up right now. I did better than yesterday and tomorrow I will go better than today. We hoping I will ;-)

Erica

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
That's the attitude, count

That's the attitude, count every small success and it'll soon add up. Well done for today, you'll get more and more days like this eventually, just keep chipping away at the demons.

Lea

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