Being loved for my looks?

6 posts / 0 new
Last post
Rosanna's picture
Being loved for my looks?

So my boyfriend made a comment yesterday that we probably wouldn't be going out if I wasn't attractive, because he wouldn't have given me a chance or made an effort to get to know me, so wouldn't have fallen in love with me. He said this in such a matter of fact way, and I'm sure he has no idea of the fact that I found it really quite upsetting - the thought that maybe he couldn't love me if I wasn't 'pretty' in his eyes? I don't know if I'm overreacting, because he wasn't saying he loved me now purely on the basis of my looks... but is it understandable that I feel somewhat hurt and disappointed? I would bring it up perhaps, but we had a bit of an argument yesterday - which is all sorted now - but I don't want to mess things up between us :(

Saz82's picture
Hi Rosanna, Yeah, I can see

Hi Rosanna, Yeah, I can see what you're saying...but I guess I'm 50:50 on it.
On the good side, you must be pretty ;-) but if you hadn't been to him you would never have got together maybe?
In his defence though, physical attraction IS the first thing that catches someone’s eye... before conversations and personality get to shine through. So if you meet randomly without knowing each other before, who is to blame anyone for heading for who they are attracted to in the looks department, even though that person might not be the most compatible in the room?
However, if you meet at work for instance, where you've worked together, chatted, lunched, got to know each other (with or without others in the work group) physical attraction might not matter as much... the person has got to know the inner you, and your personality so much better before you even start dating or whatever, so that’s what they probably become most attracted to.
Not really sure what I'm trying to say, but I can see what you're contemplating! Still, you most definitely shouldn't let it come between you now! It’s just a difference of opinion I guess - but the two of you were obviously meant to be - you've previously said how happy you and how lovely he is ;-) In a relationship you need to love the WHOLE person, not just 1 or 2 aspects - and of course, to take the good bits and the bad bits (both parties have them!)

If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian. ~Paul McCartney

lostgirl's picture
I know how you feel! Maybe

I know how you feel! Maybe it's just a fairy tale, but I long for someone who will love me for who I am inside! I've had too many people who "loved" me leave and I can't help but wonder what happens when the looks fade? So, so many men leave their aging wives and "trade her in for a younger model." It makes me afraid to ever love or trust any man who thinks I'm beautiful, or whatever.

scarlet dahlia
scarlet dahlia's picture
This is an exact worry I

This is an exact worry I have, too. I was told a similar thing by my ex. It really got me overthinking about my looks.

Lostgirl, I agree with you. I am very conflicted in my feelings: wanting to find a partner and wanting to avoid men because of social conditioning and distortion.

These days, the media is so hyper-focused on women's sexuality, appearance, body shape, etc. that I have a hard time trusting men. Even men I think are "nice" and "different" seem to have this ingrained idea of what beauty is, how a woman should look, etc. I have almost no trust. Rosanna, this blog post is a big example of that. It's an epidemic.

It is the animate earth that speaks. Human speech is but a part of that vaster discourse. --David Abram, "Spell of the Sensuous"

Catherine Liberty
Catherine Liberty's picture
Hi Rosanna, I can see how

Hi Rosanna,

I can see how that must have been very upsetting to hear, but honestly, from his point of view he probably had no idea how upsetting it was for you to hear, maybe he even thought you would take it as a compliment?

If it's playing on your mind then you really should think about talking about it to him. It doesn't have to turn into a confrontation, or a big argument whatsoever. Maybe you could tell him you know he meant well but that it was upsetting to you?

It's difficult though because looks usually are the first thing we are attracted to in a person, unless it is someone who we really get to know first.

When I first got with my husband I thought he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, but if he wouldn't have been beautiful on the inside then it never would have lasted. Also right now, if something happened to make him look completely different it wouldn't change one thing.

Often relationships start on the basis of very superficial things but they grow deeply and I am positive your boyfriend would love you no matter what, but if you're not positive of that then you should seek reassurance from him.

Take care

Catherine x

AstonBentley's picture
Rosanna, Saz and Scarlet, I

Rosanna, Saz and Scarlet,
I can relate. 15 years ago, the guy I was seeing said "you're shouldn' t have fat rolls on your stomach." At that time I was lying on the bed, my legs extended and against the wall, creating a "L" shape. In hindsight, even I should have realised supermodels in that position would have slight creases in their stomach. But that comment re-started my eating disorder.
Now that I'm older, I realised people often say silly hurtful things without thinking. I can't stop them from saying them, but I can decide if I wish to be offended / hurt by it.
And I agree with Catherine. External beauty may attract someone to you, but it is your inner beauty that keeps them there.
We're all amazing beautiful - we just need to realise it.

Join the Recovery Program & Support Community. Tell me more






The information provided in this website is for information purposes only. The information on this website is NOT a substitute for proper diagnosis, treatment or the provision of advice by an appropriate health professional. Please refer to the full disclaimer and copyright. If you do think you might suffer from an eating disorder, it is important that you talk to your General Practitioner, as there are many physical complications that can arise from being at an unhealthily low weight or from losing weight very quickly, or from purging. We advise you to seek professional help with working on an eating disorder.


Copyright © 2013. All rights reserved.