binge disorder

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sanjogkaur
sanjogkaur's picture
binge disorder

hey everyone!

I'm writing because I'm a little worried about myself.

I've stopped purging for good. It's being three months since I don't vomit, and about a month ago, I stopped feeling that I need to or want to.

However, my bingeing is still VERY strong. And I'm scared...of gaining weight...but most of all, of feeling numb all the time...vomiting gave me a release, and now that I just binge, it feels horrible...there's no way out except waiting for my body to digest.

Is it normal to keep bingeing? How long will this last?

Any recommendations to stop this?

Love to all,

Natalia

Natalia

sjksus
sjksus's picture
How super that you have been

How super that you have been purge free for 3 months! That's a big and positive step! How were you able to do that?

For me, no more purging was a choice. I read about others doing the same and it inspired me to try and make that commitment. I thought if I couldn't purge then I'd be less likely to binge. It was true and it made me really stop and think before I let any overeating get out of control. I hear ya though-purging is such a release and a coping mechanism many of us have relied on. I had to find other activities that were positive stress relievers and much less destructive than b/p.

I also identify with the desire to binge really hanging around. It did for me. I'm not really sure why I found it comforting to stuff myself past capacity. Initially, I made conscious choices to overeat about every night. Only at night. I stuck with SE throughout the day for 3 meals and two snacks that were nicely portioned and didn't keep me overly full (which would have triggered a binge). Then for my last snack of the day I'd do a somewhat binge on oatmeal. Only like a .5 cup (it was one of my safe foods) so I new I wasn't overdoing my calories in such a way that would be another trigger leading to a greater binge. I'd cook it on the stove with many cups of water until it was kind of like a soup. It smelled so good to me and I'd purposely eat the whole large pot of watered down oatmeal. The heat felt so wonderful inside my bloated belly and I think with all that volume of food in there it gave me comfort because it felt like there was logical reason that my stomach was so distended. I must have done that for 5 whole weeks and it was something I looked forward to every single night. At the time, I felt soothed by it. I'd go straight to bed afterward and I thought it helped me to sleep. I knew full well I was eating more that my stomach should really hold but I just gave myself permission to do it for as long as I needed it. I felt like it was better than the way I had been torturing my body in full blown b/p sessions and I also knew I wouldn't do it forever. The oatmeal thing lasted longer than 5 weeks, but the portion size changed - gradually and without me trying too hard. I still found the warm mush soothing on my stomach but slowly got to where I was eating a normal sized portion of it.
My first realization that I was healing in this area was during a trip to the supermarket when I became conscious of the sizes of produce I was choosing to put in my basket for purchasing. During my b/p days I desired to have the largest portions of anything I could find. I'd always buy the biggest potatoes, apples, bananas, the biggest ANYTHING I could see. Then a little after 2 months in to recovery I noticed those same items going in to my cart were normal sized fruits and veggies (some of the smallest of the bunch). It was a milestone for me! It signaled the fact that my binge urges were lessening and that I was becoming satisfied with the proper amounts of food.
I've rambled. lol! Am I suggesting that oatmeal soup is the solution to putting aside binges? Nope. I was just trying to tell you that I think I can relate to what you're saying.
I believe that the right SE can help keep binge urges at bay and I don't think that you should be worried about a new diagnosis called binge eating disorder. Maybe just pre-plan your meals as best you can with enough calories and balance in them. Set your SE times and try to stick to them for even just one day. It's hard and urges will still pop up - but if you can tackle one day, then you can be inspired to do more days. Be gentle with yourself! It doesn't have to happen all at once.

sanjogkaur
sanjogkaur's picture
Thank you! This helps

Thank you!

This helps sosososo much.

It's kind of srange becuase I tend to give myself permission for anything...my SE eating is not too organized...but one day I feel guilty about all this "permissions" i have myself...and suddenly it becomes a nightmare...I immediately think I shouldn't eat too much, and then binge...

My mother helped me write a meal plan for this week. It's strange to be 26 and have my mother help me organize my food. And yet it's also so comforting. I feel like I neeed her. I need her protection.

I hope someday I can do it by myself.

I'm excited about following my meal plan this week...and next weeks following...I'm also scared of not being able to follow it right...because my schedules are so crazy, and sometimes I have to travel or see friends...I wish I could be at home ALL the time.

Natalia

sjksus
sjksus's picture
I really close with my family

I really close with my family and so I think it's wonderful your Mother is helping you - I can totally see you it would be comforting. It's a great step in the right direction that you've asked for help healing from bulimia and it's super that you have someone in your life that supports you!
What a great idea to have a week long plan made up. Hopefully you and your Mom can come up with some snack ideas that are easy and portable since you're on-the-go sometimes. It's doable, it just takes forethought. I still keep snacks in my purse ;-) Good luck this week! Don't worry if it isn't as perfect as you think it should be. There are lots of grey areas in recovery.
How long has your Mom known of your bulimia? Did you tell her or did she find out for herself? I haven't yet gotten up enough courage to tell anyone in my personal life so I think you're very brave to be able to sit with your Mom and plan your meals!

sanjogkaur
sanjogkaur's picture
I told my mother about four

I told my mother about four years ago. She already knew, but I was only able to talk to her about it after I reached my darkest and most painful bottom...I told my boyfriend at that time first, and he asked me to talk to my parents. It's being a long process to get them to understand what bulimia is...and for both of us to know what kind of help I need. We've had a lot of conflictive encounters around the subject...like me blaming her for my ED, or her blaming me for having one...and now it seems like we're finally learning to express both out discomforts and our needs in a responsible way.

It does take courage to tell about our ED, and it's not always necessary...unless it will make you feel better...I felt it was a great relief to get it out, and stop making it a top secret...it just made it hard to keep hiding and isolating myself. :)

The meal plan is going well...two days! And yes...well, but not perfect...or maybe imperfectly perfect! hehe

Natalia

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