bulimia negative thoughts

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stuckstuckstuck
stuckstuckstuck's picture
bulimia negative thoughts

When i was in treatment i read a pamphlet on 'negative thoughts'.. a voice in a bulimics head ( or any eating disorder) telling someone how awful or terrible they are.. i couldnt really imagine what the pamphlet really meant, it seemed extreme at the time. even though its been 10 years of this disorder, it seems to be changing constantly. I now notice my self esteem getting worse, i get more jealous and anxious over little things- drive myself nuts.
i notice how much time i spend telling myself negative things. repeating things daily over and over.
anyway, to get to the point- does anyone else notice this? any tips on how to stop them in their tracks? any success with reversing these habits?
thanks :)

will it ever really go away?

BlondeGirl
BlondeGirl's picture
hey there, yep i tend to have

hey there, yep i tend to have several negative thoughts, it's like i sometimes even like to see myself in pain, i also have panic/anxiety attacks, also i see myself worst than anyone else and i have really bad thoughts about not being worthing and other stuff

Miss H
Miss H's picture
i find myself saying things

i find myself saying things like 'i'm a failure and i'm disgusting' all the time. so i try to stop myself. and everytime i say something bad i try and say something good. like 'i can get through this' and 'my boyfriend and family love me' and 'i care a lot- i care about people, the environment, etc and i want everything to be good and happy and this is a good thing'

i think it's working. sometimes i have bad days but i'm coming to terms with my body a bit more. i've decided that i don't always hate it. especially if i wear nice underwear and clothes that fit, i have an amazing figure.

krystyn
krystyn's picture
I can be very negative as

I can be very negative as well, my best friend actually says I remind her of Dexter the serial killer, because she doubts if I even feel anything some of the time.

The thing that gets me down is mainly existential pondering. I actually saw a psychiatrist when I was about 15, and for the few months I attended her, I could not be convinced to let go of my notion that there was little meaning to being alive, and we had to 'make up' meanings to get by. Needless to say, at that time I was finding my meaning in being a very naughty girl!

All that kind of thinking still bites me on the bum a lot of the time. I'll be driving along, playing music really loudly, and then suddenly my conscience just lapses into negativism. I start severely doubting the point in all of my efforts, and find myself really repulsive and start getting flashbacks to the times where I messed up, did a lot of drugs or lied to my family.

The thing that I realised was I'm lucky for those times when I'm at least AWARE of that thinking, because evidently those thoughts are imprinted on the palm of my hand and etched onto my irises- because so many of my perceptions and interactions with the world are coloured by this negative self view, without me even being consciously aware of it at the time- ie. bingeing. I think it's a way we all 'live out' our internal fantasies about who we are (we feel like we aren't disciplined enough, like we are fat, worthy of being harmed etc). I think that the fact we do it in PRIVATE and are prone to doing it when we feel lonely, is because in the absence of others, it's so much harder to BELIEVE in ourselves. We're used to relying on others to reinforce our concept of who we are, then we get left alone and the darkness within us just comes on it. I guess the point would be that it's not darkness at all though, it's just that we see it that way right?

I read an interesting psychoanalytic theory on eating disorders recently (specifically bulimia) that mentioned that it's almost our way of privately saying 'up yours' to the people around us a bit, because we are so tired of our identity feeling like a puppet controlled by the people or groups around us. It's like a form of private rebellion, and indulgence in a part of us we must ignore if we want to function normally.

A little while ago, a friend sent me a text message that said "Krys, the point of your life is not about moving towards your next success, it's just about breathing."

And so I'm going to a ten day meditation retreat to breathe after my exams are over!

Plant the seed for the flower you'd like to see bloom

stuckstuckstuck
stuckstuckstuck's picture
hey that was a really

hey that was a really interesting post. a lot to take in hahaa.. but i can really agree with the existential pondering.. i have felt since i was younger like i am somehow living in the wrong time, wrong era. wrong something. the goals that we strive for in society and the things that are supposed to satisfy us.. just dont do a damn thing for me. it is really stifling sometimes.
i wish i could find a 10 day meditation retreat. i also find myself just driving along or sitting doing nothing and i am overwhelmed by negative garbage and anxiety over what i am doing with myself. guilt and regret over past decisions..

will it ever really go away?

little shell
little shell's picture
thanks for sharing - great

thanks for sharing - great insight. i love what your friend texted you. that may be my mantra for rough times... be well and enjoy your meditation retreat - now THAT sounds awesome :)

"you can call me crazy - but i think you're as crazy as white paint on the wall.."

dark_blue
dark_blue's picture
I've always had a problem

I've always had a problem with looking on the dark side of life. Sometimes I feel as though I use binging and purging as a means of shutting up those voices in my head. Whenever I find myself alone, I tell myself things like "I'm a pathetic, useless piece of crap, no wonder nobody wants anything to do with me, look at me, I'm a stupid ugly freak, I deserve to be alone"

Its weird how I'd never say these things to anyone else, if I heard someone talking about someone else like that I'd think they were an ass, so why do I feel its okay to talk to myself like this?

With pain we can grow
Into who we want to be
And only when were beaten down
Can we find our identity

alexi
alexi's picture
'the point of your life is

'the point of your life is not about moving towards your next success, it's just about breathing."

im using this. i think its lovely and true.

Start to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.

stuckstuckstuck
stuckstuckstuck's picture
i really wish i could embrace

i really wish i could embrace that quote.

will it ever really go away?

firestorm
firestorm's picture
My older sister has always

My older sister has always been the perfect person in my family. Perfect grades, perfect body, blah blah blah.
Even her eating disorder is better than mine, since she lost a lot of weight and I've just gotten fatter and fatter.
I feel like even my screwed up-ness isn't as good as hers is.

Is anyone else out there like this?
How can I get over this?

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