Bumpy ride

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Kayla r.
Kayla r.'s picture
Bumpy ride

So after making it through Christmas dinner and te two days prior which were also filled with holiday fooding I feel like if I purged I would've avoided these past few days of feeling like complete crap. I went to the gym but I felt lazy I've been eating little things here and there until finally I just binged and purged. More than once.. And I know it didn't all come up which made me feel worse. Now I'm sitting here with a headache and just a feeling that their is no escape. I want recovery but at the same time I just feel so lazy in these past two days. Meeting someone new kind of triggered my eating disorder to and it's kind of crazy bc I really like him but now I want to avoid him completely bc he's become a trigger. Why?

When I get into these moods I can't take the advice I wrote about or know better to do. It's like I just have to release bc I don't wan to do anything else. So today I've been laying down all day B/Ping and body checking. Sucking in my stomach in the mirror, staring at the fat I know I'd feel better if I lose even though no matter how much improvements I make with my body I still see the flaws and I fear someone else seeing them and judging me based on my body. I want to workout and run and feel better but then when I start I just want to stop and lay down. I want to put in the work but then I get stuck in my head and I just want to sit and be alone. I want to be perfect. I want to be what I see for myself in my head.

Structured eating is good but I don't feel like gettin my food together anymore I jus want to live and then when I try to do that I end up losing control. Like today.
I want to hang out with this guy but some of my awkwardness gives me anxiety and when I get home no matter how good of a time it was I rely on my ED to soothe me.

God Help Me.

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." -Charles Bukowski

lindsay6
lindsay6's picture
I remember the first time I

I remember the first time I over ate and didn't purge. I went to a wedding and had what I describe as a mini binge. Really what it was is over eating like everyone does. This had never happened to me before ever in my adult life that I ate that much and kept it in. For the next two days I had quite profound anxiety, hot flashes and crazy bloating. I was convinced I would gain a lot of weight from this. I was wrong. One thing which does happen though is the scale goes up because you have more food inside your body and your weight increases as a result of the physical food inside of you. Anyway I didn't gain any weight once this settled out and this made me realize how wrong I had been about my eating. I understood how much I retained with a BP and that this is actually true. Its a lie that bulimia controls our weight it doesn't.

So you just never got to the other side of this challenge. You made it through the first part of the challenge and kept the food in but then when you felt that oh to powerful urge you it got the better of you. It really can be different when you plow through it. If just wish you could know how good recovery feels and how when you do have normal eating you won't blow up like a balloon. If I could fast forward you here then your whole world would change.

When you are going through hell, keep going.

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