Bursting out of my "fat" clothes.

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Apocalypse Meow
Apocalypse Meow's picture
Bursting out of my "fat" clothes.

I keep rapidly gaining weight. I mean, it just won't stop. I'm now to the point that I can't even fit into my "recovery" clothes. I'm far too poor to buy anything new (or used) at this point. So what in the fork am I supposed to do?

Anyone else in this situation? It is SO triggering and makes me want to restrict like a mofo even though that always inevitably leads to binges. Ugghhh.

I'm so sick to death of feeling like a gelatinous blob and hating my body so much that I dread showering or having sex with my boyfriend because nudity is about the least comfortable thing for me right meow.

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on".

R.
R.'s picture
I'm in the same situation!

I'm in the same situation! I've suddenly ballooned and I'm living in a dressing gown. I'm dreading valentines day on Friday because I know I'll be having sex with my boyfriend, how bad is that?!

But would you trade a few extra pounds for bulimia freedom?! Once you're fully recovered your weight will stabilise to your healthy set point. It's inner beauty that counts. This will all be worth it.

Milly x

Apocalypse Meow
Apocalypse Meow's picture
Bumping in hopes of receiving

Bumping in hopes of receiving more comments so I don't feel quite so alone...

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on".

brookebirdie
brookebirdie's picture
Just as your signature says

Just as your signature says 'when u come to the end of your rope.. '. We've got to hang on. You don't want to start over at day 1 again. The success stories tell us this uncomfortable weight gain will go away if we can just hang on. You can get through it!

Apocalypse Meow
Apocalypse Meow's picture
Thanks for the support! I

Thanks for the support! I don't think I would mind so much if I wasn't so concerned about being judged for my weight gain. I don't know how to not give a fuck.

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on".

jennij421
jennij421's picture
I can totally relate to how

I can totally relate to how you are feeling at the moment. I am in the exact same place. I put on a pair of jeans that I have not worn in very long time and all was good and well until I bent down to try to stretch them out some and the rip clear up the butt (I am blaming partially on being old but also on my rather large rear at the moment!) I was so embarrassed and started crying because I was so upset. Then I realized that this too shall pass and my body will normalize out and hopefully shed some of the extra weight that I have been carrying around from getting so bad last year. All we can do is keep our heads up and nurious our bodies correctly and give it time. Be patient and kind to yourself as I am trying to do the same!

Jenni

Walker
Walker's picture
hello Apocalypse!! ohhh in my

hello Apocalypse!!

ohhh in my first months i quit all my clothes and i bought thai pants (you tight them ur size, so there is no way to know if u are one inch bigger) and thai lose short dresses . Well, yes i was in thailand... ;)

anyway, being back home i bought new jeans as soon as i got to my country, still now that it is winter i came back to europe, and seen that my weight has settled a bit after almost 2 yrs, i tried my old clothes... i am still soooo surprised to see that i can´t make my old winter pants go through my tighs, its not that i cant button them, its that they DONT GO UP my butt. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? i find it kinda surreal so i have decided to take it like that, i just dont believe its true... i mean i KNOW i dont look fat, i know im ok and if i lose some weight as recovery goes on it will not be more that 1 or 2 kilos im sure. I now KNOW i will never fit pants like that again so i just act as if they were someone else`s pants, someone who´s dead by the way...

burn that clothes and get some Thais! you are much better now!!

hugs,

Walker

IlliniGirl86
IlliniGirl86's picture
omg, i know EXACTLY how you

omg, i know EXACTLY how you feel! brief history of me: i start my recovery journey 6/13 and was actually b/p free for 8 months after that (no longer the case, but anyway)...during that 8 months i felt SOOO DEPRESSED because i felt fatter than ever. i flat out knew that i gained weight because of B but i felt i was being punished for recovering. i was wearing my fat clothes every day and resorting to wearing dresses and tights to hide it. 2 things: as we all subconsciously know, our body image is completely distorted. (ok you are probably thinking, well, my clothes don't lie!) well, yes true. I don't know how you have been in recovery but i really think it takes everyone a longer time to equalize out. it probably depends on metabolism and how long you have been b/ping.

regardless, your boyfriend clearly doesn't care if you are too "fat" to sleep with him. and if he does, dump him. our minds are our own worst enemy.

sanjogkaur
sanjogkaur's picture
Hey! I know exactly how you

Hey!

I know exactly how you feel. It's so so so hard! Not only because we know we've gained weight, but also, at least for me, because I hate thinking about what other people are thinking about me and my weight, and even worse, about the comments they might make! "You've gained weight". Listening to that is probably the thing I fear the most during recovery.

Well...in my experience, the first year I gained so so so Mich weight! I was bloated AND I was gaining weight because my body had no idea how to digest all the food it was now taking. Also, I was so hungry all the time, and kept bingeing, but this time with no restriction or purging methods. My recovery has had lots of ups and downs, with relapses and so...no need for details now...but I feel like finally my body is reaching to a stable point. I have lost weight even though I eat and eat all types of food. And most important than that I feel increasingly more comfortable in my own skin. Many times I think I should be thinner, but it's getting easier and easier to just accept my weight...and feel good in my body. It's being a year and a half or more for that to happen! And there's still more to go.

In the meantime, this are some things that have helped me cope with the weight and the discomfort, and that still help me when I feel bad in my body. I also was unable to buy clothes, also because I hated doing so and trying the largest size...so that didn't work for me, but this did help:

1. Drinking ginger tea and herb teas in General helped me deal with the bloating and eased my anxiety between meals. I've become a herb expert at this point and it was also fun to grow my own herbs and to discover new ones in the market and learn about their benefits. Just helped keep my mind busy.

2. Taking walks. When my mind was crazy I tried to go for a walk is head of eating. It was hard! But it helped. I must say this later became a challenge because then I became I asked win walking for hours, but this has being easier to work with and it doesn't have to en like that for you.

3. Yoga, meditation, breath. It helped a lot to get in touch without body again, to feel it! And also to understand in a deeper level that I'm more than my body and the image of my body...Kundalini yoga has helped a lot, and also other practices, like martial arts and dancing! Mi recently discovered the five rythms dance. There's classes and videos in YouTube. Sometimes I close my door and dance like crazy. ;)

4. Self massage helped me become comfortable with my nudity. I get oils or even lotion and massage my naked body. And it helps me get in touch with it...I try to do it with all the love I can, sahib. Nice things to eat as I do. Like simply, "I love you and accept you as you are." Affirmations work really well!

5. When I hear comments about my weight I now try to respectfully respond back. Before I just felt bad and cried or hurt myself. But now if are to ALS this people: why does it matter to you so much? And even though it's a lie sometimes, I tell them I fe comfortable in my body and I'm happy as I am and appreciate them not to comment about my body. I just feel people need to be more sensitive about that, and also, look beyond our bodies and appreciate us for what we are. This world cares too much about tee image
And that has to change!

6. Believe it or not, the more relaxed I've become about food, I binge less on food and feel less anxious about it. SE really works! So stick to it even though your mind wants to run away from it!

7. This took me a whole but now I can finally do it..I used to be unable to look at myself in the mirror because I always looked only certain parts of my body: my hips, my arms, whatever. Always checking if they where the same orbit they had grown. So I practiced looking entirely at my body and accepting it as a whole instead of as in parts. It was hard! I cried and hated doing it, but now I look at myself naked in the mirror and can actually like what I see. I just say nice things about my body no matter what I see in the mirror. And I tell myself I will love and take care of it no matter how fat it is. And it works! There are some nice photo projects about nudity that you can check...beauty is what we see...

Sorry I'm a real hippy sometimes and this might all sound too cheese haha but it has really helped me! I find recovery has to be a very creative path and it's good to find things that work for us to face our challenges. The patterns in our kind won't go away unless we change our actions and adopt new healthier patterns. We have to act! Maybe you won't be able to loose all the weight you want now. And maybe it will take long until you stop gaining weight, until you teach a stable point. So instead of punishing yourself for that you have to find ways of coping with that fact in a loving and creative way. We have lived so many years with bulimia that one or two years to become stable is really nothing...and it's fair to give that time for our bodies to heal.

Wow! This was a long response...sorry for that...and I hope it helps.

Love and strength....keep up keep up keep up!!!

Natalia

Apocalypse Meow
Apocalypse Meow's picture
Huge thanks to everyone who

Huge thanks to everyone who commented. Your support has been immensely helpful.

xoxoxoxoxo

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on".

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