Can't stop being a complete b**ch towards parents, especially father

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Finding Me
Finding Me's picture
Can't stop being a complete b**ch towards parents, especially father

I really hate being anything but nice to people, whether it be my need to please people or not. I really hate giving anyone attitude and try my hardest never to put myself in that situation. All of this being said, I can't seem to stop being an incredible bitch to my parents, especially my father.

I have been in and out of therapy and in recovery for nearly ten years. I've dealt with the hidden issues and uprooted problems that haunted me, so it's not like I have unresolved "stuff" that remains unaddressed. I just seem to really be stuck with this pure anger towards my parents. I am conscious when I am being nasty to them and I hate it, but when I try to act nicer, it's so forced and unnatural. I actually feel like crying right now because it's such a frustrating feeling to be out of control of my anger towards them. I snap at them when they ask me questions, brush them off when they try to have a conversation with me and give them attitude when they ask for favors. This is 1000% NOT who I am as a person!! I hate it so much!

I know a big part of it is that I still have anger towards their parenting styles while they raised me. I know I will never get the full apology I want not will I be able to go back in time and give them a chance to fix it. I know I am also still angry that I am still struggling with bulimia and their coping mechanism is to ignore it. Perhaps part of me still wants to scream that I'm still sick and scared that I'll never fully recover (tears welling up now).

I hate this feeling. I hate being mean to my parents when I know they mean well. I hate that I can't talk to them and explain what's going on in my head because they are the WORST listeners in the world. I'm just so frustrated. Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this!

...exactly where I am supposed to be...

ComfortablyNumb's picture
Holy shit i could of wrote

Holy shit i could of wrote this myself. I go threw these mood swings esp when im fighting with my ED in my head (urges, cravings ect). This past wk has been horrible and much more so because i was trying a diff antidepressant which i tossed out the window ASAP because of my hightened hostility. I dont talk to any friends anymore so when i do leave the house, it's to my dads. And holy hell i've yelled, rolled my eyes, stomped out of the house, slammed doors ect. And just like you, i blamed him on his shitty parenting. Then as i squealed my tires out of the driveway i felt horrible right away. Well, fact is he is a shitty parent BUT i couldn't help but to notice that the only reason im upset about it out of nowhere, is because i was trying not to BP that day (that ended in a fail). I think when we are in recovery, or in my case, "trying"... other emotions come up and we simply just don't know how to deal with them in the right manor because we're so used to turning to FOOD. I think these mood swings are normal and will pass and hopefully our families will understand. I've actually been avoiding my family since my episode to try and calm down. Now the mature thing would be to apologiez and explain why im being such a raging bitch... lol but i'm afraid i havn't quit raging yet and it will turn out into another shit show. Okay i just turned this into my own rant but when it comes down to it... this anger is NOT you... its this damn disease we are fighting against. War is messy and sometimes even the innocent get hurt. And maybe after a few more beers i can call my dad and apologiez lmao.

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