Cycles of success, only for failure. Destructive thoughts. I just need help. I need positive words in my life.

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Dana's picture
Cycles of success, only for failure. Destructive thoughts. I just need help. I need positive words in my life.

Hi everyone. I have been having off and on good days/weeks. I love when I don't binge and purge. My face feels better. I don't feel bloated. I feel pretty. I feel strong. After several days or more than a week, however, I start to worry. I see the scale, but refuse to step on it. Instead of seeing the positive changes in my appearance and the glow in my face, I start to obsess about my body, and then it's all down from there.

I recently went almost 10 days with no incident. And now I have purged a few times in the last four days. I have made a great effort to just exercise 30 minutes a day--nothing extreme--and eat three meals. But when too much times passes between episodes, I start to worry.

And now I am back in the painful cycle of purging. I just want to stop.

I don't know how I can break this cycle. Just when things start to get better, I cave.

I have reached out to support groups for help in preventing my dangerous thoughts of self harm. I know that is not the answer, but I am so sad sometimes, and truly disappointed that I am 29 years old and still battling a severe eating disorder.

Am I too late to save? What is the point of all this?


ChangeStartsWithin's picture
Dana, I hear you. Truly and


I hear you. Truly and I've had these thoughts constantly. However you must remember that harming yourself is what you are doing now with bulimia. Since that is not working to make you happy let's try patience. Patience with myself is the most difficult thing I've had to learn during my recovery. We are like wine, with time and care we become better. SO it won't be fast to be happy but we've tried to find happiness fast by eating however then come guilt and disgust so we purge and stay in the cyule of hate. Maybe taking one step at a time and celebrating in the small sucessos of your day and patiently working to be happy is the right path.

You should be so proud of yourself for reaching out, that step is important. So should be in love with the fact that you recognized the problem and are now working to solve it. You should thank yourself for finding the love and hope inside you that is leading you to recover.
You are making yourself better and healthy. There is no greater example of love than loving.

Sorry if this post is sappy, weird and what not but I am feeling determined at the moment to jump back into recovery and I hope that this helps you because when you start feeling the benefits of a recovery, you realize how much bulimia controlled your thoughts.

Good luck and please reach out whenever you need to, I aND everyone else would be happy to help.

If you want to make the world a better place,
Take a look at yourself then make a change

Angel333's picture
Im similar in age...28. And I

Im similar in age...28. And I have spent my late teens and entire 20's being a Bulimic. So im sure you get where I come from when I say lets not waste the next stage (30's eek!) of our lives suffering from this. If you relapse as I have many times, get onto it immediately...the minute I sense danger I get on here, I read my fave passages from the manual, I listen to the audios at bedtime. You need to take ACTION if you want to recover.
I notice you mention you exercise 30 mins a day...make sure you eat slightly extra on these days. Make sure your fueling with the right kind of calories. Fats, Carbs, Proteins, Fruit and Veg, Nuts, seeds, Yogurt.
Don't focus on weight. Focus on health.

'We are each of us angels with only one wing, so we can only fly by embracing each other'

Dana's picture
Thank you both for the

Thank you both for the encouragement. I had another successful no purge week and then relapsed again Tuesday, Thursday and today. I am suffering a bad headache after today's episode. I know it's wrong. I know it's not the answer, but it's like I can't stop myself. Being alone is the worst.

I think I am going to see a therapist in person. I think that might really help me.


Liza's picture
It's never too late... I

It's never too late... I believe that strongly. I have to! (because I"m 34 ancient years old!) I can really relate to the ups and downs of recovery. Advice i heard recently: "Don't focus on the steps back, only on the steps forward. Don't put a 'but' after you say something positive about your recovery".
I'm doing it at the moment: i'm saying to myself : "i didn't purge today, BUT i struggled to follow my eating plan and i ate too many xxxx and i forgot to be mindful and etc etc etc." In this way, I'm negating the huge step forward and my mind decides i'm a failure and doing badly at recovery, when actually there's a lot i can be proud of. So one of my goals is to stop putting BUTTS in my conversation (heh heh heh).

Stay strong! I'm glad you are here on this site!

'I will not choose not to be'

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