Day 1 of intuitive eating

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Goode
Goode's picture
Day 1 of intuitive eating

Today was my first day of intuitive eating or, as I prefer to call it, conscious eating. This term (conscious eating) just makes more sense to me because it is about being conscious of PHYSICAL sensations of hunger and satiety. 'Intuition' implies something else to me, something intangible. But thats just semantics and perhaps not important but I needed to remind myself yesterday of what exactly this phase is all about - body awareness.

Anyway, it went so well! I ate when I felt the early signs of hunger (for me a gnawing feeling in my tummy) and stopped when I felt full (heavy warm feeling in my stomach). I did slightly lose full consciousness over lunch I think as I was slightly fuller than I'd have liked. But it was good learning. I was excited about the company over lunch as it was with a new friend.

Oh I am so ready for this phase! My history of eating according to very exacting food plans meant that it didn't take long for SE to feel confining and claustrophobic and depriving (even though I was eating a LOT).

I just need to stay close to and aware of my physical sensations and I know I'll get expert at it with time.

Goode

katzcurrent
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That's wonderful! Yay, you!!

That's wonderful! Yay, you!! ... makes me think of a thread I want to start on this board.

wvgirl
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that's really exciting!! how

that's really exciting!! how did you know that you were ready to make the transition? right now i'm two months into recovery with no b/p-ing, but i don't feel ready at all to make the big switch. recovery is so great, and i don't want to do anything that could compromise what i've gained so far. you know?

pixie27
pixie27's picture
Hi Goode! How long have you

Hi Goode!
How long have you been b/p free before you made a decision to go intuitive?
I saw your post that you were struggling few days ago?
do not get me wrong..
I was b/p free for like 10 weeks and started to play with my se etc.
my appetite decreased and I though I could implemented some IE
unfortunately I relapsed and have been slipping since
from where I am now I see that I rushed the process
I was frustrated with se and felt that I was eating too much
I think 6 months on b/p free is a solid base to start IE, otherwise we can put ourselves in danger zone
I'm just writing to you b/c it was my experience and I definitely learned from it
hope you doing well!

pixie

Goode
Goode's picture
Hey Katz! Thanks so much for

Hey Katz! Thanks so much for your encouragement and support! I'm so glad you are on this site. xx

WV girl - don't worry, you'll know. I just KNEW I was ready, especially because SE was starting to make me feel rebellious ;-) That is why I was having mini binges.

Pixie 27 - Thanks for the warning and I'm sure your concern is genuine but we are all different and I don't think it is going to serve me to add fear into the mix or double-mindedness about the timing. I have been in recovery for an awful long time and I honestly don't believe that my struggles a few days ago disqualify me from IE. If it was someone else, I'd probably have the same instinct as you to suggest they do SE for 6 months but if you knew my history I'm sure you wouldn't have posted what you did! I spent 17 years doing various versions of SE before I found this site (6 of those years were b/p free). It is not new to me! What IS new to me about BHM is the concept of the animal brain and the importance of separating from that. Good luck on your journey.

Goode

gecko11
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I agree that we are all

I agree that we are all different. I have been bulimic since high school (back in the late 70's). Despite some personal attempts to control this I have never had any other treatment. Never told anyone except mentioning it to a dentist years ago and telling my husband that I strugged with an ED years ago. He has no idea of my current struggles. I havent been too strict with the eating plan but just made sure that I don't let myself get hungry. That in itself make me calm and rational. I have started to taste my food and make some really good choices about what I eat and when. I guess this is the start of intuitive eating for me. I have not binged or purged once in the 6 weeks and it seems my logical brain has switched on. I just needed someone to tell me I wasn't crazy, I could stop this cycle of destruction and give me support when doing so. Keep up the good work and stay true to yourself.

Dance like there's nobody watching
Love like you'll never get hurt
Sing like there's nobody listening
Live likes it's heaven on earth

Goode
Goode's picture
Hey gecko11. Thanks for your

Hey gecko11. Thanks for your lovely message. And massive well done on 6 weeks!!! That is so fantastic and a significant stretch of time. It's a shame you can't share that success with your husband but you can share it with us - I think being witnessed for our breakthroughs is so vital. I definitely think starting to really taste food is so much part of IE. I have a friend who has taught me so much about that, she is so unashamed of making lots of appreciative noises when she's eating!! Everything she eats she relishes and really focuses on. I think during most of my years in the grip of the ED and even throughout all my years in 12-step recovery I felt almost like I wasn't allowed to really savour my food and be sensual in any way - as though that was somehow dirty. Probably some weird judeo-christian guilt!

I am so enjoying my food at the moment and really enjoying this process of not eating because it's 'time' or out of habit. I had a beautiful meal last night with friends, including starter, main and dessert and woke up this morning not feeling any hunger signals. They did come on quite strong mid-morning so I had a delicious cheese-on-toast sandwich (really good quality hard sheep's cheese and a really good seeded gluten-free pitta bread) with a latte. Then I met and hung out with a friend and in the afternoon felt hungry again and ate some nuts and chocolate and tonight I really craved a jacket potatoe with mayo and tuna and green beans so I started to prepare that about an hour before I felt that I would be hunger and it worked out so well.

Anyway, it's just so humbling to finally be at this stage in my journey, listening to my body and feeling love. It's been a long road and for the first time since I was 14, I do not feel in a black sticky quagmire of confusion and indecision and pain.

Goode

Jaded Lime
Jaded Lime's picture
Goode- I'm so glad to hear

Goode- I'm so glad to hear how well it went! For me it has taken some practice but I love my new lifestyle. My new relationship with food is healthy instead of self punishment. It's great!! I like your title conscious eating. That's great!

Love alone is worth the fight. - Jon Foreman

Goode
Goode's picture
Hey Jaded Lime! Thanks so

Hey Jaded Lime! Thanks so much for the post...and I'm glad you're enjoying this new lifestyle - it is so freeing isn't it? I'm in charge now rather than any food rules. Hey how did your trip go ;-) ? I've always wanted to go to Hawaii!

Goode

Jaded Lime
Jaded Lime's picture
Goode- I go in 15days... Not

Goode- I go in 15days... Not that I'm counting down or anything. ;) It really is so freeing! I'll let you know how it goes!

Love alone is worth the fight. - Jon Foreman

Goode
Goode's picture
Ahh well I'm sure you'll have

Ahh well I'm sure you'll have a great time! And IE makes holidays so much more restful because you can go with the flow and join in. I've had so many awful holidays where I may have been super skinny but I kept myself separate because of some exacting food plan I was trying to stick to. The holidays I've been on where I've let go and eaten what others are eating and when others are eating have been so much more fun - in fact my first experience of IE was on holiday with friends. I was so confused and so tired of trying to stick to something that I decided to eat with everyone and take my cue from others.. It slowly introduced me to my own signals although I remember finding it confusing when people turned things down because they were 'full'. After quite a few holidays eating 'loosey-goosey' I have returned home to discover that I'd lost weight having eaten ice-cream and bread and butter and dessert like a 'normal' person.'Bizarre! Weight is definitely not an exact science and I think sometimes attitude makes a difference! I've been on that awful Dukan diet and gained weight and yet eaten a lot without depriving myself of anything and lost weight! Go figure.

I've just got home today after meeting friends for a movie. I definitely have had a day of NOT eating when hungry! That is, I have eaten despite not being at all hungrh. It doesn't feel great and I briefly had the urge to binge as a result of it (with the accompanying thought that I've blown it by eating when not hungry so may as well just go for it and start 'properly' tomorrow - such bullshit). Truth is, it is normal to eat even when not full although I don't want to make a habit of it. But that's life and I'm not expected to be perfect - thank God!! I'll just wait now until I have a physical sensation of hunger before I eat again and if that doesn't happen before I go to bed then I'll just go to bed!

Goode

Jaded Lime
Jaded Lime's picture
Goode- I'm actually really

Goode- I'm actually really excited to go on vacation while consciously eating! It will be my first vacation like this! I know in the past because I've always had the strangest relationship with food I bet as an outsider looking in on me I seemed so weird. Avoiding certain foods all the time and then all the sudden eating the largest amount out of anyone in the room. Of course I was skinny as a rail too, but all I could focus on was food, binging, purging, and not to mention all of the side affects from all of that. Yuck!!! Who wants to do that? I'm so done with that! This is going to be so much fun! I will only know 3 of the couples out of 15 that will be there. So I'm going to spend my time focused on all of the awesomeness of Hawaii and when I'm hungry I'll enjoy some amazing Hawaiian foods! I love eating consciously because its such a much more positive outlook on living life!

I love your second paragraph! Im proud of you for recognizing and then making the proactive desicion to wait for hunger again. even though you had a day of eating without hunger i bet you had some fun with friends. Everyone needs that once in awhile. Good for you! You are not perfect and thank God for that too! If we were perfect we would never be challenged and then we would never grow or learn in life. Who wants that?!? :) By deciding that you will just wait again for physical hunger is what I call "self correcting". When I feel like I've messed up or I'm off track but take an action to get back on track the I say I'm self correcting. I got it from a pod cast I listen to. I like it. I feel great when I notice I have self corrected sooner than usual. Sometimes I'm stick in a little rut and other times I stop and self correct quickly. Anyways, just sharing my thoughts. :)

Love alone is worth the fight. - Jon Foreman

katzcurrent
katzcurrent's picture
Nice to hear thoughts from

Nice to hear thoughts from the both of you! Food is definitely about 'fueling' and 'restoring', and friendship and attitude is a huge part of that. I think if we eat in a rigid way according to rules - even if the rules are very healthy and non-restrictive - we don't get the full benefits of eating. Not even close. And that leaves us hungry for more. It reminds me of how I feel about weekends. If I really enjoy my weekend and relax and let go, I feel much more rested and in touch with my true desire to work again come Monday. But if I spend the whole weekend thinking about work and planning for work, it's almost as though I never had a break. I might have technically had the same amount of "rest" (non-work), but it doesn't feel like it. And then I resent work.

As my eating is becoming more and more healthy, I'm realizing all the ways I 'binge and purge' with entities like time and money and people.

So glad you're both having fun!!

Goode
Goode's picture
Hey Katz and Jaded LIme!

Hey Katz and Jaded LIme! Thanks for your posts! It's amazing how connected to you I feel despite not really knowing the 'facts' about you guys.

Firstly Katz, I totally do that with weekends..if my weekends are focused on getting ready for the week ahead, it feels awful and like I am still connected to work. I'm definitely a bit precious about my weekends and never like to go out on Sunday nights because I need to 'prepare' for the coming week. I never prepare anything, just stew about work. And I agree, rules - even if the rule is 'only eat when you are hungry' - can be so counter-productive. That rule almost lead me to b/p today. In fact, I can actually be happy for that urge because it highlighted that I had this rule....binge urges are such opportunistic.

Having said that, I didn't quite do what I said and wait until I was hungry before eating again. I just went ahead and finished off the fudge and chocolate and sweets this evening! Not a binge, but definitely overeating and NOT a loving thing to do. Once again I'm back in that funky space of wondering whether it's sugar's 'fault' and whether I should give it up but I know that this is just where I go when I feel upset with how I've eaten. I find it easier to blame the sugar (something tangible) then to sit with the truth that I still have a lot to learn where conscious eating and that addictive/animal voice is concerned.

Jaded LIme, I love that expression 'self-correct'. It totally allows for imperfection. Much needed!! I looked at your profile page - I can't believe you wanted to train killer whales when you were a kid. I did too (secondary to gold medal at the Olympics for gymnastics). I went to Sea World when I was 8 and was captivated by them. I very precociously forced myself upon a trainer and asked a barrage of questions and was told that most trainers were marine biologists and so that is what I wanted to do for years! I was on the killer whale's side recently when one of them accidentally killed it's trainer...they are highly intelligent, magnificent creatures, hold up in the equivalent of a bath tub being forced to smile and turn tricks for the public. It's amazing it doesn't happen more often, frankly.

Ah ladies...what to do? I am still definitely on the conscious eating programme (!) but feeling irritated by sugar. I knew I shouldn't have bought a load of chocolate/sweets/fudge yesterday simply because my local store was closing down and it was so cheap. I just doesn't work for me having kilos of that junk in my fridge. I still have loads of chocolate galaxy minstrels left which I think I may take into work to give to my colleague. I don't think it is surprising that I find it hard to have chocolate in my flat, a lot of my non-ED friends also find that chocolate calls to them so it's not a sign of failure. I am not in the least tempted by the minstrels right now but I am acutely aware of their presence!

I did have a lovely day though....I love my friends.Terence Malick's new film 'Into the Wonder' is such a load of crap though! I was amazed!

OMG Katz, I have often noticed 'bulimic' behaviour in other areas of my life. I have a real problem with buying clothes and taking them back (binge purge!). I have a 'rule' that if I buy something I have to keep it - it was the only way to stop the pattern...much like purging: no matter what I eat or how much, I do not purge no matter what. I think purging is the only thing I do want and need a definite hard and fast RULE about.

x

Goode

katzcurrent
katzcurrent's picture
I love the idea of using the

I love the idea of using the 'binge urge' to discover some hidden 'rule' you might be harboring about food. That's fabulous, I'm going to play around with that. As for sugar, well I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask because I'm dealing with it from the other extreme right now - I haven't been eating it and I feel physically great but psychologically not so great. I notice I've been overeating to compensate. But I'm so desperate to break that pattern, so I figure I'll put in another 2 days or so and then loosen the reins and go back to eating whatever I want - and assume that I won't choose sugar as much now that it's out of my system. That's how I got over alcohol issues. Whenever I noticed it was interfering with my mood or I was starting to crave it, I'd take a 10 day break. About twice a year or so, I reinstate the break. It's kind of a 'food rule', so it's kind of a problem (hence the overeating to compensate), but oh well. Like you're both saying, nobody's perfect!

And my skin looks great. :)

Jaded Lime,

I completely agree about ruts and self-correcting. I think 50% of my troubles can be attributed to inertia of one kind or another. So glad you found this site! Keep going!

Jaded Lime
Jaded Lime's picture
I love this site! I feel

I love this site! I feel totally connected to everyone on here too and it's so nice to have that connection with others who "get it". When you've kept something a secret for so long and it's all just you in your own mind trying desperately to figure out how to stop the madness... Ugh! It's like a prison. The connection on here is freeing, inspiring, and it just plain helps all around. Love it too!

Goode- Ha! I can't believe I wanted to train killer whales either! And I totally agree with you about them. They are absolutely magnificent but you couldn't pay me enough money to get into a "bath tub" sized tank with them and force them to perform now. Hahaha. My perspective has changed since I was young.

Goode- So you had a little but too much fudge. That's alright! I totally ate waaaay too much chicken and dumplings tonight. I'm stuffed. Yuck! I hate this feeling! But I'm just going to keep moving forward and make a better choice next time. :)

I absolutely loved what you said about binge and purge urges being so opportunistic. That is an excellent outlook! And it's so true! We can learn so much from them. They are usually telling us something important. Even though I know this is true, this is the hardest part for me to discover my triggers or "answers" that the urges are showing me. Especially if it has to do with emotions. I've been numbed out of life for so long. It's really cool when your binge purge urges reveal something to you about yourself though. Then you can figure out how to counteract it or self correct better next time. :)

Love alone is worth the fight. - Jon Foreman

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