Decision made

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Gemstone1992
Gemstone1992's picture
Decision made

I haven't been on here for a couple of days as I have been weighing up the pro's and con's of going to an eating disorders inpatient unit.I had an appointment on friday with a consultant psychiatrist and he thinks that I need the extra support. I've spent many hours contemplating, crying untill I could cry no more and changing my mind numerous times.

The thing I certainly know is... I CAN NOT CARRY ON LIKE THIS!

Bulimia combined with Diabulimia is like a slow suicide... bad enough the purging and the binging but add the diabetes in to the mix and I am destined to become blind, lose limbs, have heart attacks, strokes , kidney failure the list goes on.... :-(

What I have realised is that as much as I have said right... I don't want to be bulimic anymore I am going to stop. I don't think I really have tried wholeheartedly. I am looking at it as an all or nothing thing where I expect it to go away with the click of my fingers.One little set back and I give up. Well not anymore!!!

I have decided not to take the offer of inpatient treatment but put it on hold until christmas. The reason being is mainly for people suffering from anorexia. Allthough they have people with bulimia I am very worried that being surrounded by emaciated anorexics
will do even more damage to my self esteem as I will feel like a whale as I am relatively normal weight. Being away from home will cause me so much anxiety and I will fall behind with college which I am doing so well in which would be a shame to waste a year and a half of hard work! If after christmas I am not making any change I will take up the offer.

Its a motivation to change. I am going full on with the SE and keeping a detailed diary of my day , food , blood sugars, insulin and any triggers. I need to ride the wave of recovery... If that means a bit of water retention and hiding in baggy clothes for a while then so be it.

Since Saturday I have done ALL my insulin and have not binged or purged once! I am in shock. I am so determined. My Mum spoke to college on Friday and explained the whole situtation and that is a huge step also as NOONE knew about my bulimia or past experiences. It means I have got some extra support when not at home. Mum and Dad have been fantastic when I have been crying till 3 o clock in the morning my mum lay with me until I fell asleep. I am going to ry nd plan some things to look forward to and get myself enjoying life again.

Time for a new beginning!

Gemma xxxx

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
Lao Tzu

missdawes
missdawes's picture
Making the right decision for

Making the right decision for you, is the best you can do. We'll be here until you are ready to go into inpatient care. A lot can happen in those 6 weeks, and you've made a good start these last couple of days. Dry your tears, hon, and stay focused. Eva x

Gemstone1992
Gemstone1992's picture
I wrote that wrong! I meant

I wrote that wrong! I meant to say I am NOT going but will go if I am no better after xmas. Hope you are ok Eva. How have you got on this weekend? xxx

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
Lao Tzu

missdawes
missdawes's picture
Oops! Oh, no, you did say: "I

Oops! Oh, no, you did say: "I have decided not to take the offer of inpatient treatment but put it on hold until christmas.". I'm dense, sorry, I misread it as you would go after Christmas.

Have you told your psychiatrist that a big reason for you not accepting an inpatient place is because of your concern about your size, in relation to the anorexics? I'm a bit worried about that being a reason for you. It would also be a reason for me, and probably many of the women at BH, to not accept a place. But, objectively, I know that that it would be the very worst reason to stay away - because it's reinforcing the psychology of the ED.

When is your next appointment with your psychiatrist, honey? Love to you. Eva x

Gemstone1992
Gemstone1992's picture
Hey honey :-)Well... I've not

Hey honey :-)Well... I've not got another appointment planned. He is based far away from my eating clinic and was asked to come specially to see me! ( Aren't I special! jokes)I do see my ED specialist that I normally see on Thursday though. I can't wait to tell him about my new found motivation. I feel like complete SHIT my stomach is like a balloon I feel huge but I am not going to let it deter me this time. How are you getting on? What would you do if you had the opportunity to go inpatient? I will DEFINITELY take the place if I don't continue to make progress. I am so shocked that I am on day 3 without B/P! Something has really clicked in my brain... Instead of using all my energy and willpower with bulimia I am going to focus on getting my blood sugars under control. The challenge is scary but it is something to focus my energy on that is positive. The binge urge has reduced significantly since I have been taking my insulin and when I have had the urge I've grabbed the nearest person for support. We can do this EVA! Lots of hugs to you xxxx

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
Lao Tzu

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