Do you ever feel unloveable?

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Poppet's picture
Do you ever feel unloveable?

Hi everyone!
Now this is a big one for me, and I would be keen to hear others experiences with this.

I sometimes freak out and think that I will never ever meet someone who likes me enough to stick around, get married and have children with me. Its like if there was something fundamentally wrong w me. It's completly irrational and I have no idea where it comes from.

Any similar experiences?

Thanks in advance and merry Christmasa,



granny goat
granny goat's picture
I think it is very common and

I think it is very common and normal to have the feelings you mention. But, having lived for awhile, I have noticed little difference between my friends who have married and had families and those who have not. They all have their virtues and their faults. Some just found a person they matched up with in some way and others did not.

If you think about some of the married people you know, you will see they are no different from you. There is nothing special about most of them. They are no more lovable than you or other people who are not married. They just happen to have found each other.

And if you talk to married people and ask them if they ever feel unlovable, even though they are married, many of them will say yes. Feeling lovable comes from within. It has to do with how you view yourself, not how others view you.

So it is good to first love yourself for all the good reasons there are. Try the "My Positives" tool. I started on that and was amazed at how many things I liked about myself. Loving yourself in a healthy way is an attractive quality. Nobody loves a self-centered narcissist, but everybody loves a person who is comfortable with themselves, has a sense of humor about themselves, is open about themselves, is confident but a little vulnerable.

And think of all the people who already love you, your family, friends, neighbors. If you like children, they are a source of boundless love. They so appreciate attention from adults. My children are all grown (my baby is 45) and my only grandchild lives 500 miles away, so I have cultivated friendships with neighborhood children. They make me feel so loved when they come knocking on my door, give me hugs and sometimes little gifts, and come in and spend a couple of hours visiting with me. Of course, nowadays, you have to be very careful about how you interact with children so as not to appear to have bad motives.

There are many groups of people who need attention and would love a person who would give it to them. And giving and receiving love in that way just makes you a more attractive and lovable person in general.

Just some ideas to fill that void and make you feel loved and lovable till you find the person of your dreams. :¬)

AnMu's picture
Hi Poppet, I have the same

Hi Poppet,
I have the same feelings like you. I am 35 and I've been alone for more than one year. Before I had 2 long relationships. The first one was a 3,5 years marriage. We got divorced 7 years ago. Only fightings and madness, We were too young and imature for being married.
My both relationships were toxic relationships. With both I broke up and tried again several times. Whole my adults years were around these 2 persons.
Both still love me. But in a toxic way. Even now they beg me to come back.
I say that both relationships were toxic, because during the time when I was with them they were not nice with me. Only when I used to leave they freaked out and tried their best to bring me back.
I was for them like a toy. When you have it, it is there, available for you, loves you, cares by you, you don't like it and don't appreciate it.
When I left, they both tried their best to bring me back.
My ex-boyfriend wants to move back to China for me. We broke up because he was cheating me(this is the reason we broke up at the end).

I also think about myself I attract only wrong persons and I am really scared that I will not meet the right person and I will not manage to have a child.
In the last year I met only strange persons. Married, but very keen to cheat their wives.Or with stable relationships, searching for some more fun. Since I moved to China...I see only sick people, coming only for sex. Chinese ladies sell themselves very cheap.

Carol is totally right. If we don't love ourselves and don't respect ourselves, is difficult to get what we want from the others.
I look at the wives of my colleagues. Most of them are not pretty, fat, housewives, very demanding and they behave not really nice with them.
What makes the difference. They see themselves like they are very beautiful, they talk always about their qualities and not about the defects. They think they are valuable.
They respect themselves and take care by them.

I only criticize myself, think about myself I am not pretty, I am fat, very often feel ashamed about myself and even I have a master degree in Computer Science and I am sucessful in my career, I don't think about me I am smart enough.
If we don't change our thought about ourselves, is difficult to get the love and respect from the others.

@Carol: thank you kindly for your nice words and support. All what you write for me and others is sooo meaningful and wise.

Greetings to both,


sashak's picture
I think this is a fear we all

I think this is a fear we all have time to time Poppet. I find it's like an icey, irrational fear that sneaks up on me and makes me critizise myself to obsession.

Funnily enough, I met my current love interest during one of these times. I was doing volunteer work in a hostel in a third wirld country- which means you are constantly sweating, dirty, often sick and tired. At the time I met him I was B/Ping daily and looked awful, had a rash on my face and felt so bloated I wanted to cry. I didn't even realise he was interested until he basically forced the idea upon me that I COULD be lovable and attractive to another person. For a while I kept wondering what his issue was and what he actually wanted (sex? money?!) until it dawned on me- oh he just wants me. Sometimes when we get caught in the world of bulimia and low self-worth we forget how lovable we are and put up walls shutting others out.

Of course you are lovable and there is someone that will want to commit their lives to being with you. That is natural and normal. But to allow it to open, you have to first be lovable to yourself xx

R.'s picture
Hi Poppet, I was in exactly

Hi Poppet,

I was in exactly the same situation as you, now I've met an incredible man who adores me, but I really struggle to understand why! I don't understand how someone could love me, and I think it's because I find it hard to love myself!! EDs put such negativity and low thoughts in our heads that our self esteem is at rock bottom. I have no doubt that you'll find the person you are meant to be with, settle down and have beautiful children! But finding that person may not solve your feelings of being unloveable.


sashak's picture
I always think back to what

I always think back to what Julia Roberts said in Eat, Pray Love:

“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I'm going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt. So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to finish this pizza, and then we are going to go watch the soccer game, and tomorrow we are going to go on a little date and buy ourselves some bigger jeans.”

freakyblonde88's picture
I see it this way, If we

I see it this way, If we think we cannot get better, if we thinkg we won't find anyone who can put up with us, if we think that we're unlovable etc. All these thoughts and emotions show, we can't hide them and honestly that is what makes a person un-attractive, Negativity, depression and self-loathing.

I read an article the other day that showed that the things men notice first about a woman are the things that make us a woman:
Eyes, Smile, then breats, hips, and any curvacious parts. The article went on to say though that the first trait appreciated by any man was a cheerful woman, happy and positive attitude.

I used to think I wouldn't find anyone or deseved nothing, even when I found my BF I though "he'll leave any day cause who can bear living with me" But as time went on and I tried to be better, to see more positively and accept myself, what to you know, 5 years later here we are, happy healthy and just got engaged. But truth me told had I kept being depressed, well heck no one wants that.

Soit has nothing to do with you, we all deserve to be loved and we all will find love if we make an effort to love oursleves. After 5 years of ED and soon 2 years recovered I look in the mirror and think wow I look cute, the times I don't feel this is if I'm stressed or uptight for some reason, which is when I remind myself that life is too short for being down, enjoy life as much as you can and learn to appreciate how awesome you are. Because whether you are happy or sad, fat or thin, healthy or sick I know for a fact that there is some unique and awesome about you! Just waiting for you to discover it yourself.

Big hugs and lots of love to the amazing women out there :-)

Life is too short to not be happy

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