Does your bulimia ever feel natural or normal?

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adie
adie's picture
Does your bulimia ever feel natural or normal?

Does anyone else feel like purging is your body's natural response to eating food?
I've been dealing with this disorder off and on since the age of 14 (now 23). I remember in the beginning not being able to successfully purge. However, I now feel like it is the only "natural" reaction my body has to food. Purging is no longer difficult or painful ... It's like second nature.
In no way am I trying to say this is an acceptable way to treat our bodies. I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate.

adie.

ladeedah
ladeedah's picture
Yah, sometimes I felt like

Yah, sometimes I felt like nothing was really wrong with me that it was almost normal in a way but obviously i was in major denial as to how seriously messed up this whole disorder is!

suitepee
suitepee's picture
Purging definatly becomes

Purging definatly becomes easier over time...I just need to bend over and it happens. Its happened involuntarily before when I've drunk too much liquid...not nice!
But I think it is quite a dangerous mindset...the ease of it makes you believe its actually not to bad, and you get used to it as "part of life" Like ladeedah says those, this can lead to denial of what a problem it really is. Purging is only one tony aspect. Where as the act of purging may be easier, the physical, mental and spiritual agony of the diease gets worse and worse :-(

adie
adie's picture
continued ...

i absolutely agree about the mental agony that bulimia causes. i feel trapped and out of control ... it's been years, and there are many days when i think that i will never overcome this. i try to be positive, but my compulsion to binge (and subsequently purge) overpowers all logic. good days are still few and far between ...

i posted my first comment out of curiosity. i was reading so many posts about how painful purging is (sore throats, swollen faces, etc.) i really don't have these symptoms ... purging has become far too easy ...

with that being said - the psychological aspect of this whole illness is getting worse and worse (which is by far the hardest part)

adie.

suitepee
suitepee's picture
I understand what you mean; I

I understand what you mean; I think some people's pain also has to do with ways in which they purge...but I don't think we should really go into that!
The fact that purging is now really easy for us, is actually a very bad thing. I know its easy so it allows me to be more blase about it, to minimize the seriousness.
But not anymore!

hopefully....

laurennw
laurennw's picture
its weird

sometimes now i try to purge and i actually cant. its like my body has gotten used to it and just decided to stop working. in a way it is good, but its so scary for me, i feel like ive destroyed myself

msupup155
msupup155's picture
My body naturally purges when

My body naturally purges when I want it to... I used to like it because it was a good defense mechanism against accusations of having an ED. I would show my hands and say, "If I was bulimic I would have scars and cuts on my hands from sticking them down my throat." The truth was I didn't even need to do that...used to like it (crazy I know) but now I HATE it. Maybe if purging was a challenge I would be more motivated to give up trying to do it.

suitepee
suitepee's picture
I feel exactly the same. I've

I feel exactly the same.
I've never used my hands ever, which means I never had the "signs". My bulimia was easier to hide, and easier for me to "accept". Not good...

gossipgirl84
gossipgirl84's picture
Harder to keep food down than to vomit

I experience the same ease of purging. I used to think i was blessed with some kind of twisted puke super power. Now I know it is just a curse.

I know of other bulimics who experience this. I even spoke to my doctor about it. She told me it was normal that after a while your body gets used to it and expects it at the end of a meal.

I have been experimenting with body awareness AFTER eating. I realize that I don't ALWAYS feel the need to vomit. In fact, if I relax my stomach muscles (I seem to flex while and after eating) then I don't feel the urge to vomit.

If you are like me, you feel the urge to puke even when you don't want to, for example at family functions or on a date. Often I will let it sleep and regurgitate in my mouth (sure this sounds horrible, but wtv) and swallow again. Now I try to not even do that, which is a hard habbit to change.

Got a lot more to say on this topic but ya, you are not alone and we are not abnormalities of nature...

XOXO
Gossip Girl

alexi
alexi's picture
i naturaly throw up in my

i naturaly throw up in my mouth quite often too...its not nice but it does give me freaky sence of security. like ooo atleast that bits gone... keeps my mind at rest slightly. weird but im sure over time when that stops and im better i wont miss the natural talent to vomit. i used to think it was really quite amazing i could throw up with no hand action, but now it just sucks.

Start to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.

SarahTravels
SarahTravels's picture
I've definitely gotten to the

I've definitely gotten to the point where purging feels 'natural'.... I think my big epiphany/scary moment was when I had my head in the toilet, and it didn't bother me one bit. I could see myself doing it for the rest of my life, and it didn't phase me. How MESSED is that! You are not alone in feeling this way <3

Angie Vldz
Angie Vldz's picture
yup! i became bulimic when i

yup! i became bulimic when i was 16 yrs old i think, n id use my fingers to purge after a while it was just normal i didnt use my fingers anymore, it come up like nothing. it was like part of eating routine. n when i started recovery i didnt want to purge but i could feel the food coming up n it was hard. its been 2 months since i started me recovery n now i can keep all the food down... well except for the greasy food. but im happy im doing better.

*Ng*

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