Hi. I'm new here.
I'm bulimic since a few years now, with some good periods in recovery. I did a therapy a long time ago. I actually don't even now if it helped me with food. It helped me to go back to life, study, love, friends, etc... But it never really helped me with food. What helped me a lot is my ex-boyfriend. At the times he was always with me, I was eating better. At least at some points and during some periods. We were even often eating outside which became a real pleasure for me. But, i never forgot how fat i feel. I never forgot that i wanted to look good. Be thinner. Better. I was always trying to loose weight or thinking about it. Thinking that i would be truly happy when i had reached the lowest weight i had back to high school (for me it is the lowest weight of the "normal imc range"). This number is my biggest dream and nightmare at the same time.
Since a few months now, things got worst. My ex-boyfriend completely broke my heart. He went abroad to study and as the common story is, he had something with someone else. It was already going worse and worse between us and i noticed that my eating habits and drinking habits went worse and worse at the same time. And then, he just kind of disappeared of my life. I was always the one trying to do something about it and even if he told me several times that he loves me and wanted me back, he never did anything about it. It made me feel so unloved, abandoned. I feel like i'm not special anymore. For anyone. I'm so low. I know that he feels he can't help it. I'm so angry. Towards him and even more towards myself. I feel I failed, i wasn't good enough and that's what make me loose the person i love. I would like to forgive all this but it seems just impossible. Even if i have good days, it seems that i'm just pushing myself to smile but it is not real. By the way, I didn't see him since a long time and I'm soooo afraid that i may see him soon and that he won't see me looking thin and perfect.
These last months i experienced drinking alone again. I took weight (eating sometimes too much, more binge, but I still barely purge (maybe three 6 times in 6 months), which is great but made me put on a weight i really don't feel comfortable with). I started taking drugs again (marijuana, no strong one). I slept with guys i picked up in bars. I'm supposed to be back on track and find a job but i'm just slightly trying. I have no motivation. I am so tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost.
In a way, I think that realizing that i'm aware of this situation is good. But it is still really difficult to cope with all this. Some people knew I had some troubles with food but they all think it is over since a long time. I have no one to talk about it and don't want to bother people again. I didn't like people's reaction to that. Most of them were just looking at me when eating or not eating without saying anything. They all were kind of ignoring the problem. Like it can't happen to me. The strong one. The one who's always there for everyone. The one who is accepting the others. The nice one. "Too nice" for some people. The perfect one. I think people believe that i can't cry, i can't fall. And the thing is, people think i'm pretty and i know it in a certain way. A lot of guys look at me in the street and some people i know personally tried madly to make me know that they really like me personally and would like to be in a relationship with me, for me (I actually pushed these people away of my life). I realize this but i don't feel like it. When i look at myself, i see a looser. I see all the bumps in my body (even if i'm medically not fat, i'm medically average, middle of the imc range). I see the spots, the tiredness on my face, my belly who makes me feel like i'm pregnant. I can't accept myself like this. I would like not to think anymore this way but i can't help it. I really would like to be able to just wear normal pants. I would like to be able not to hide my body anymore. Sometimes i try but when i look at myself on the mirror, i finally change my clothes for bigger ones.
I didn't purge since i decided to sign up here (a week ago). But i binged a few times. The last three days, i was visiting my mother who is going to get an operation for a breast cancer this week. Everything started yesterday. I felt an urge to binge early during the day and during a snack around 4pm. My mother gave me the rest of the biscuits we ate during the snack and other things for my return during the evening. I hide myself to eat the biscuits straight away. And then in the train, I ate all the bread she gave me (a really good one, she said it was for my today's breakfast...there wasn't any bread anymore this morning, I felt stupid and ashamed, a good bread my mother gave me to please me, a bread with nuts and dried fruits). And other things when i finally got home. But it was still ok, at least i felt like it. These three days without scale and be able to know exactly what's in the dish i'm eating were a challenge. And i thought i did quite well (tried to count vaguely the amount of calories). I weighted myself this morning, I took back the weight i lost before leaving (I'm personally eating 3 meals and a good snack, so 4 times. I feel more comfortable this way). I binged this morning. Nothing was open, I was walking in the street waiting for the first bakery/supermarket to open. And i was still dizzy because of drug. Then, I just went to bed, my stomach was so full, I was feeling so bad physically. Then, again when i woke up in the beginning of the afternoon. But i ate less. I didn't went to run this morning (and don't think it is a good idea for today, my stomach is full, and i still feel dizzy -i usually run between 1 hour and 1 hour 30 minutes every two or three days-).
Well, my message is really too long. The question i'm actually asking myself is about emotional urges to binge. Which are, I think, my big problem now. Sometimes, even if I don't really binge, I need to eat a lot during my meals, I need to feel full to be calm. Does anyone know how to cope with this? Does anyone has anything to say to help me? I really need support and maybe that's also what i didn't have before in recovery. I never really talked about it. I can't speak to anyone i know and i now have financial issues that make impossible to go to therapy again. So i guess this really too long message may be at least a good step. Thanks for people who read me and thanks if you take the time to answer a little something.