feeling down

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ellarose
ellarose's picture
feeling down

Well, I had a great first week. I somehow managed to only purge 2 times in a week, normally about 45 times! I stayed on the structured eating plan and felt much better.

This second week has not been so good. I am still on the structured eating plan, but I am feeling out of control. I am wanting to consume more than I know I need. This of course leads to the uncomfortable feelings that I have caved to. I understand this is ONLY week 2, however, after a great first week this feels awful. I was so hopeful of the progress that I thought "I can do this." Today, I am wondering CAN I REALLY DO THIS? I need to find balance of now listening to my body because for years I ignored it. Pain never mattered because I would purge the pain away. My eyes want to see abundance before me, my stomach cries out "no more", and cravings come. So, this week I have tried to allow myself to eat things of all kinds, (Not viewing them as bad) but my mind still tells me "You shouldn't keep that."

I am finding it very difficult to cook for my family and have self control. I had to make chocolate chip cookies and macaroni and cheese.....not an easy thing for me to be around and not b/p. Needless to say I failed. I have p several times this week. Why is one week easy, and another week feels like a slow road to the usual life? Now, I have to go back to tomorrow being day 1. I have been there so many times over a 14 year period. How can I be around food and consume it that normally I considered unable to eat without guilt? I can't go the rest of my life only eating a few "safe" foods. How do I begin to feel OK with eating "forbidden" things? Any help is welcomed at this point.

darthdawn
darthdawn's picture
My first 2 weeks I ate a LOT

My first 2 weeks I ate a LOT more than I am now that I'm in my 5th week. My mental appetite was huge. Since I wasn't B/P every day, I was missing the binges even though I was full from SE. Being surrounded by your trigger foods must be so hard, I was at least able to keep mainly non trigger foods in my house the first few weeks, but I overate on most of my safe foods every day. Just about every night I mini-binged on cereal and popcorn and nuts, even though I was full from SE. You are not back at day 1 from slipping this week, that's just part of the healing, and going down to 2 times from 45 your first week is amazing!!
Sounds like you have more of a challenge since you are preparing food for the whole fam, but maybe decide in advance that you will include a little bit of the risky food with a mainly safe meal? For instance, my husband made mac&cheese my first week - I had a small portion along with my stirfried veggies and tuna. Usually Mac&cheese is a B/P food, but I managed to have that portion and not binge (soooo hard though!). I guess this rambling note is just to say I understand what you're going through, try to remember that you are making progress even though you are having slips, and believe me the rabid wolf hunger does diminish further down recovery. It is much easier already for me. Also, I was scared of the weight gain, but now at almost 6 weeks, it's minimal, I think it was mostly bloat those first 2 weeks. Good luck and keep with the SE it will help tame your appetite over time. Try to remember that every B/P makes you crazy hungry afterwards due to blood sugar drops and you'll crave a binge later that day or the next day - it's selfperpetuating, whereas if you just overeat and stop from making it a fullout B/P you will be much less likely to B/P the next day. Good luck!

``It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good`` - Nina Simone

ellarose
ellarose's picture
Hi Darthdawn, Thanks for the

Hi Darthdawn,

Thanks for the encouragement. I need to remember that slip ups are part of the process. It's hard sometimes because I want to succeed so much. I want it all gone today when I have to realize this is 14 years of behavior and habit. One brick down at a time. Thanks again. You are doing a great job......keep on going!!

EndlessHope
EndlessHope's picture
Hey Hun dont see it as going

Hey Hun dont see it as going back to day one!! When I do that it makes me more miserable..... when I know mentally it isnt day one because I am much stronger and have learnt more than 'actual dayone'! If tht makes sense? Anyway I hear ur despair.... I just kept encouragement of keep going..... no matter how many square ones I had! It will pay off. Promise X

'Learning is a gift. Even when pain is your teacher.'

ellarose
ellarose's picture
Hello Endless hope! Every

Hello Endless hope! Every time I see your picture your smile makes me smile. I am thankful for your response and understanding. It feels nice to be able to come here and know that others understand. Today is a new day and I am going to plan my day out. It seems to work better for me when I have a plan. Winging it gives me too much variance at this time. I guess I feel safer knowing what is next on the meal plan instead of just taking a chance of grabbing something, then something else etc. Thanks for the joy that you bring to this site. You are a very positive person as far as I can see, and that is like a breath of fresh air!! Especially on a difficult day. Hope you have a wonderful day!

ellarose
ellarose's picture
By the way darthdawn, I love

By the way darthdawn, I love your quote.......today IS a new day.....AMEN

darthdawn
darthdawn's picture
Glad you are still hopeful

Glad you are still hopeful Ellarose!! I guess what makes a slip versus relapse and back to square one can be different for different people, but I consider myself in recovery mode for 5 weeks since that's how long I have been having my SE meals. SE is huge for me, since I used to barely eat anything during the day aside from my afternoon B/P, then I'd have a normal supper, but sometimes B/P that as well. Now I have breakfast, a snack, lunch and another snack all before supper, when usually by supper time I would be ravenous and exhausted, now I am only a little hungry, sometimes barely hungry. Exhaustion can still be an issue, but I think that's a part of early recovery. Mentally this is so hard, and physically our bodies are reparing I guess. So for me I don't reset my recovery counter back to day one because of a binge, purge, or full out B/P, but I would if I had a few days in a row where I stop trying and don't SE. And wow, am I ever seeing a reduction in all 3 bulimic issues!! Hang in there girls, we are on track :)

``It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good`` - Nina Simone

lindsay6
lindsay6's picture
Easy one week hard the next.

Easy one week hard the next. Well unfortunately that is so normal. Recovery just isn't smooth and easy that is for sure. The thing I learned looking back is in the first few months but especially weeks your body wants a lot of calories. When it gets those calories with no purges then it resets itself and rebuilds . If there are a few purges thrown in then it gets a little messed up again as blood sugar is out of whack etc. But eventually without purging you will not want or need all the calories that you do now. I would never believe this if I didn't live it but it is true. Your hunger,craving, appetite all change when BP stop happening. It kind of feels like magic and I wonder who this person is who doesn't want these items. It is so strange. I have a question though. You say you HAVE to make mac and cheese and cookies for your family. Do you? Could they eat the safe foods for a while? We are so used to meeting everyone else's needs but our own. Your recovery is more important than your childrens need for mac and cheese. One day you will make it for them and it will be just mac and cheese not binge food. It might not be a bad idea to limit some stuff like that while you get a handle on things.

When you are going through hell, keep going.

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