Feeling lost!

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Belli's picture
Feeling lost!

Okey so I've been here now for a month and a half I think. I have done my best and must say I have really made progress.
My binge urges are much less frequent and not as aggressive.
I do still binge and purge but I totally believe in this. It is working.
Except one thing that I do not know how to handle.
I have always been the strong fit girl.
Now none of my clothes fit me anymore. Ok, I get that, I'm trying not to purge when I binge which is a success and the weight will get back to normal in the future. It's worth it. I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore because I know I will cry.
I can handle that I just don't look in the mirror.
But this I cannot handle:
I've gotten so fat that I cannot carry myself as I used to, 6 weeks ago. I cannot do 35 push-ups anymore because it's so much harder with my new heavy body.
I cannot run my 7km morning run anymore. I lose my breath after less than 10 minutes.
This is heart breaking to me.
Working out has been my outlet whenever I feel down. Now I just feel like a loser even when I work out.
I know I haven't gotten less fit. It's just the load that has increased tremendously.
I know that I have gained a lot in health in my mind. But physically I feel terrible.
My legs and joints are swollen. My stomach is so swollen I cannot sit down comfortably.

I would very much appreciate any advice on how to deal with this.

I should add to this that my fitness is my business. I train people for a living.
If I can't keep up with my clients I cannot do my job.

I have taken the past two weeks of work because of this. And started 2 different training routines to bring me back ok track.
But I'm not confident they will help as I have hypothyroidism that isn't yet treated optimally my metabolism is very low.

I'm totally lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

freakyblonde88's picture
It is hard, and I understand

It is hard, and I understand what a blow it must be for you. Me personally I stopped the intense working out for a little over a year during recovery. Because I was unable to have the focus of fittness and weight control while recovering, the two don't go hand in hand. I only started going to the gym again once I was recovered, and I swore to my bf that I would never do the long crazy hours I used to and NOT every day, just a healthy couple of times a week. And I've kept that and it feels great. :-)

Even though that year in the middle was full of tears, and clearing out skinny clothes from my wardrobe. It was worth it. and now I weigh the same as I've weighed since before basically. I was slightly underweight duing my ED. now I'm 3-5 kgs more, and it never changes really, no matter what I do, because the imbalance is gone :) bringing my body in harmony with itself.

I hope you find a way, but remember recovery is like being in a boxing ring, you are taking a hit, don't expect things to be the same, but expect them to be better once you've won the fight :-)

Good luck!

Life is too short to not be happy

ElsieSoproni's picture
I know maybe you're not

I know maybe you're not supposed to, but I totally worked out through my beginning stages of recovery. I couldn't handle anything without it and I had no control over my life. That said, I do believe the intensity of my workouts decreased, at least a little. What are you training people for? I know things are different when it affects your line of work, but it is temporary. If you can't take time off, is it be possible that if you eat enough and continue your recovery while working out, you may get strong enough to make up the difference? This is a necessary step in the recovery process and you won't be able to recovery completely without it, but it is temporary. Will six months of less than perfect athleticism destroy your career? Can you be open with people about what you are doing and why, and use it to emphasize your commitment to good health?

Belli's picture
Thank you guys so very much

Thank you guys so very much for the feedback!
It is a great feeling to be taken seriously (and not just have the hard times being waved off).

Freakyblonde- I really like the way you said that recovery is like in a boxing ring and I've taken a hit. It totally makes sense and made me realise how to tackle this better :)

Elsie Soproni - I've realised that it's not possible for me to continue what I do in recovery. It demands excellent physic and top health which I'm obviously not having at the moment and don't belive I should even aim to have today as my aim is long term. I've decided to quit my job and take the time out to do relaxing fulfilling things that I can do completely at my own pace. I will take 3 months to study, travel, and spend time with friends and family.

Again thank you guys! It was priceless that you listened to me.

FreckledPonyFlying's picture
Belli, I think you are a real

Belli, I think you are a real hero to make these huge changes in your life in order to stick with the recovery. It requires a lot of courage and wisdom to undertake such steps. I'm sure you will have an amazing 3 months - and that it's a great step towards years of a happy life.

I had the issue with gaining weight too. Somebody has suggested that hiding my old, skinny jeans will help. After some consideration I've decided to get rid of them completely. Just to symbolize that I do not want my recovery to be a chase towards my old shape. It feels so much easier to let go, relax a bit more, do the SE and wait for the weight set point to emerge. Of course, sometimes I am a bit afraid - what if this or more is my set point? This thinking stays around for a bit, but usually goes away after a few days of SE, which makes me feel better in my body straight away. It helped me as well to do a big shopping for clothes. At the beginning it was hard to pick the big instead of the medium sizes, but once I was in the clothes I tried hard to focus on how nice are they and how much do they fit me and slowly it started to replace some of the fat thoughts. Looking at it after a while - I think it used to be more difficult to try to fit in sth too small dramatically, rather than to buy sth bigger and fit in it without any problems. The biggest challenge may be to trust that it will pass, but it is also the greatest help.

Take care xx

Freckled Pony Flying

ElsieSoproni's picture
I'm making a quilt out of my

I'm making a quilt out of my "skinny" jeans haha. So I can enjoy the sun at the park! :)

FreckledPonyFlying's picture
Yay! Great to hear Elsie!

Yay! Great to hear Elsie! Have a great day!!!

Freckled Pony Flying

J_chem's picture
You are not alone! I recall

You are not alone!

I recall this feeling oh too well. It happened to me last august. I felt like I exploded overnight. I was working out running 7 miles a day, yet the weight piled on. My nutritionist said that it was what I needed because I was so severely underweight for my height AND frame size. I think we all forget where we are supposed to be versus where we want to be. Our bodies fight like hell to get to our set weight no matter what we try. If you want to maintain a healthy figure, you need to eat healthy too. that I didn't understand for the longest time. It's like you wouldn't hydrate a garden with cholocate syrup and sprinkle candy over it to make the plants grow. They need nutrients, water and plenty of sun. The end product will be a healthy plant versus a dead, dehydrated thing.....

This is the part where I took a stand. I told my boyfriend, my therapist and my nutritionist that I would get through it no matter what I weigh. I knew I was at my all time high and I still am, but it's really part of the process. I was bloated, bingey, and most of the time embarassed of my new body. Everyone said I looked "great", but they also said that when I was thinner.

I continued to work out and eat 3-4 times a day. All the foods I loved. I didn't care if was healthy or not at first. Then I got sick and tired of feeling full and lethargic. I started eating really healthy when I started my new job BUT I kept eating a lot. I didn't skimp on any food group. I then found myself eating only when I was hungry. and I haven't b/p'ed since aug 11th.

You're body really does stabilize and I went down a pant size since pushing through. I don't know how many times I wanted to go backwards, but I kept on. You can do that too! Right now is the tough part. If you manage to look at your old clothes as if they were one's you wore when you weren't healthy, you'll start to see things in a new light! I can't believe the differenece now. My skin is clear, my mind is clear. I gave up coffee willinly and all caffiene. I can say I am a new person. I can't even fit one leg in my skinny jeans from two years ago when they used to fall off of me. It's frightening!!!! We all don't have the time to waste on being thin. we only have one life and I rather be my size than focus solely on my weight.

You'll get hobbies, you'll have more energy, you'll look back in a few months and the progress will be exponential! You are doing great and you are where you are supposed to be!!!!! Stay strong xo

Belli's picture
Thanks for your message J

Thanks for your message J chem. It is so great to hear that you experiences the same thing and that you are in such a good place now with food! :) Very encouraging, thank you.
I must point out that I have never been at an unhealthy low weight. I have now pushed from a normal BMI to the range above. I don't want to write the classification of the range because I don't agree with the label it would give me. But it does rather indicate that I am at an unhealthy high weight.

I have hypothyroid, a condition which means my hormones that regulates pretty much everything in the body isn't working properly and one thing it causes is an extremely slow metabolism. I have medication to help my thyroid but I live in shithole (excuse the language) where there are no experts on the condition. I am supposed to have a check up every 6 weeks but I haven't had a check up since I first was prescribed the medication 8 months ago. I simply cannot afford travelling 4 000 km to the nearest expert (who charge $200 for an appointment and an additional $75 for a prescription). Just the medication itself is $165 a month.

I have grown up eating healthy (candy on Saturdays only), cake on birthdays and no fast food or soda what so ever. I don't consider a meal complete without salad or greens, but, of course I'm not healthy, I binge and purge.

I'm hoping to go to my home country where health care is a bit cheaper now when I have quit my job. If I am lucky I will find a doctor that can help me sort out my thyroid issue. I think that could be a great help on the road to get rid of my ed too.

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