This is a poem I wrote in the first month of my recovery it pretty much was everything I was feeling at the time. Can I just say I was b/p free for a year and 10 months :) i recently relapsed but I am now on the right track. Hope you all enjoy ♥
Pain, pain is the feeling deep within me,
Go away, is the thought running through my head,
Longing to be something I’m not,
Should I? Shouldn’t I? Is the voice I hear,
One wins, but which shall it be?
It’s up to me to decide!
Guilt, guilt is what comes rushing through me,
Loneliness, fear and feelings which cannot be described,
Are injected in me like drugs and this poisons my mind,
I don’t know how it stops or if it ever will,
But I know I’m going to be beat it someday!
The hate for my body no one will understand,
Each day I lie either to myself or someone I love ♥
I act happy well not act because I actually am,
But this poison which has invaded me upsets and hurts me,
But nobody knows how much as I keep it secret,
When the adrenaline pumps and the moment comes,
It never takes long to decide if I DO or if I DON’T,
within an instant second bam!!
Your fingers, are in a place they don’t belong,
Your throat..... choking, your eyes.... watering,
And what for?
To be thin, to get rid of emotions?
I don’t know
At the time it makes me feel happy,
And the pain is taken away,
JUST FOR A FEW MOMENTS,
Then the guilt comes.... AGAIN,
And the questions of why? Reoccur
This is what it feels like but now,
A MONTH free from the purging
The feelings are worse,
It is slightly harder than I thought
I guess I was just niave,
The voice is still inside my head,
More CONFUSED than ever,
The ultimate question is DO I? DON’T I?
And that decision is what decides what direction your life is to next go in,
The arguments I had with THIS VOICE, so many, so prolonged,
But eventually I told this voice to f*** off!!
Each batlle, each argument I always said NO
It was a long painful thing to decide this,
I had to avoid climbing the stairs at some points,
Just so I wansn’t tempted to go,
I AM FINALLY WINNING THIS BATTLE,
And here I am after a month purge free,
The thoughts of hate are still well and truly here,
But one thing I know is that it WILL TAKE TIME,
Purging is NOT THE ANSWER!
THINK, does it really satisfy you?
Yes? Really think, think of what we have done to ourselves,
We are better than sticking our faces down the toilet,
In the end when you figure this out ,
You know you will never ever be what your goal is,
As these goals are unrealistic and purging is not going to help,
So take a deep breath, smile, think positive, :)
Think of those who love you, do it for them I did ♥
I know I’m not fully recovered, trust me I have a long way to go
But I hope this has made you think in some way
That WE CAN BEAT THIS :D :D
Thank you for taking the time to read I am hoping to next write a postive inspiring positive poem next STAY STRONG GUYS
Lot's of love Amy :)