Finding freedom from within and letting go!

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jennij421
jennij421's picture
Finding freedom from within and letting go!

My story...

I would have to say my bulimia began when I was 15, I will turn 30 this year. Half of my life I have been dealing this, pretty scary to say out loud but liberating. I had always been pretty chubby and my teenage years were no exception. I was at school one day, in music class, we had a restroom in the classroom and I had gone in and thought I had locked the door, to my humilitation that was not the case and one of the boys in my class walked in on me. When I came out of the bathroom everyone was laughing and talking about how fat I was, I literally wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Since, that wasn't possible I decided I no longer wanted to be fat so I started a super restricive diet and exercise regime. That was all fine and good until I reached a plateau and I loved sweets. One day while eating some marshmallows at the house, I realized that I had eaten almost the entire bag and panicked. I ran to the bathroom and just stood ove the toilet thinking about what I was going to do about the bag of marshmallows that I had just eaten, that was when I decided to throw them up. It was the turning point for me. For some reason, I had convinced myself after that it was okay to eat what I wanted as I could just throw it up.

There were other things going on in my life at that time beyond my weight battle my grandparents dying (two months to the day of each other they were more like my parents than anything), my mother was never an outstanding parent and her abusive spouse, and a completely absent father for my whole life. Even though I always saw her as a strong woman (something I question now as an adult) she had to have a man in her life and boy was she terrible at picking them. At some point, I guess I just felt I wasn't good enough for her to pay attention to me, stemming my bulimia even further. I thought maybe if I was just thinner I would be a better daughter and worth her time. She had no idea what was going on or the way that I felt. This continued throughout high school, I went from wearing a size 22 at 15 to a size 12 at 17, yet I still felt I needed to be "smaller and prettier" for people to like me so I continued my destructive behavior.

I went to college and got away for my tiny town and mother's destructive relationship with her men (not really but I wasn't around it very much.) My first year of college was pretty good and I had my bulimia down to a minium and was thriving, until I realized I had packed on the dreaded "freshman 15" give or take. So, having been "successful" before I started another diet and lost the weight and hit the plateau and decided to revert to bulimia for help. This has pretty much been the course since until the last couple of years.

I tried therapy and meds and they didn't work for me, and now starting this program I understand why. Fast forward to the present. I got married (second for my husband and myself, no kids involved. He is an AMAZING man!) and we have been trying to get pregnant for about 1.5 years. At first my bulimia was under controll and I was doing great but 2013 proved to be a very tough year, I was getting pregnant and more and more depressed. I turned to the one thing that I thought would make me feel better, bulimia, like out of control almost everything I was eating I was throwing up. Only this time, I have felt so out of control that when the new year rolled around I took a good hard look at my life. I realized that this thing that used to bring me such "comfort" was now controlling me and I had to get it under control. I started on 1-6-13 with the mind set that is time to take control of it and not let it control me. I wanted my life back and not to be thin this time to really be able to sit with my family and eat and not have to immediately go to the restroom after words. I really just want food to be food for what feels like the first time in my life.

I have definitely had thoughts about doing it this week but I have fought the urge. FOOD WILL NOT CONTROL MY LIFE!!! I finally found the voice within to regain control of me. I pray constantly about this issue and have given it to God to help me with. I have not doubt that we have not gotten pregnant because of me but my hope is with control of this that will work itself out eventually and I just have to have faith in God and in myself to recover from this. I have no doubt that I will be tempted and slip back once or twice but I am doing this for me and my health this time, not for anyone else! I have found some support in my husband and am making some very positive strides in recovery.

I am so thankful that I have found this site as I can relate to so many of the stories I have listened to and read. It gives me great comfort in knowing that so many of you have recovered fully for this.

If you have stayed with me though this post, thank you! I hope that you will add me as a friend and we can help each other out not just through good times but those tough times when we need it most!

Have a wonderful day and thanks again for reading!

summer123
summer123's picture
Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story

Nataliia
Nataliia's picture
it was hard for me to get

it was hard for me to get pregnant in my second marriage. we were trying for three years. i was on and off different pills, didn't have periods. i think it's because of my ED history. we prayed a lot. also almost for a year before i got pregnant i was free from ED, was seeing a therapist, who made me eat more and balanced meals. and i became very good in eating though i was trying to exercise every day. i felt better eating while exercising. i have started to eat bread (complex carbs) which i didn't eat before. i got pregnant in 2012. it was a miracle, a real miracle from God. i even didn't have periods so it was a big surprise. i think i found out that i was pregnant when i was already 6 weeks into it. our miracle baby will be a year soon. my pregnancy went well, after giving birth i have started restricting food again though i didn't need to i didn't put "pregnancy" weight, i just think from fear o and all past food habits. so now i am struggling again. but my point is that miracles do happen. so with God's help i wish you all the best and hopefully one day soon you will experience it in your life.

Nat

jennij421
jennij421's picture
Nataliia, Thank you so much

Nataliia,
Thank you so much for sharing this with me! I really needed to hear this. My family is definitely one of the reasons that I am so thankful that I found this site and all of you amazing ladies! I defintely feel better when I exercise although I have taken a couple of weeks off to start this program but I am going to reintroduce soon, I think it is more about the mental wellness for me than the physical although I need that too! I got so off course last year that I gained about 10-15 pounds and for the first time in my life it really isn't a concern at the moment, I am not happy about the extra weight but I know what caused it and that it will even out with time and proper eating! I look forward to the day that we can have kids and I know God has a plan for us so I have tried to shift my focus this year to getting healthy and letting him deal with the rest of it! Again, thank you for sharing with me.

Jenni

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
Thank you for sharing all

Thank you for sharing all this. I can see a lot of myself in the things you describe, including that conscious decision to commit to an ED, although mine was originally anorexia, it later became bu.limia after hospitalisation to cope with the weight gain I'd got in hospital. Now I'm stuck, trying to get out of the trap, too. I have a very loving father, but my mother refuses to speak to me because of an argument she had with my father that she fully blames on me- hard for me since I wasn't even there when they had the argument! She's a difficult women, very strong willed and has to be right all the time, no other opinion counts, or even matters to her, even that of my dad. I lay a lot of blame on her after her fat-ist comments when I was younger and me always trying to please her by becoming thinner and hoping to look prettier as a result. It got me nowhere except ED hell.

I'm sorry you have been through so much, but like me, see a light here through this site and hope for the future. Please keep us updated on your progress, I'm as hopeful for you as I can be right now!

Lea

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