Freedom and food, the binging paradox

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Rockyrose's picture
Freedom and food, the binging paradox

I think I've narrowed down one of the biggest psychological/mental reasons I have for continuing to binge, and it is that I'm afraid of losing the bitter sugar free fall I seem to perceive as my only remaining source of "freedom". I'm afraid if I give up this addictive and damaging method of escape that there will never be release or reckless abandon again...only endless hours fighting to control and resist monstrous urges to consume. I'm afraid I'll live the rest of my life as a prisoner on the other side of this cage I've created, longing to get back in despite the open space and opportunity that surround me. And so, thus far I have continued to stay inside the bubble of secrets and obsession, choosing over and over and over the momentary sweet fogs of unconsciousness over a real authenic life . I know this all may have begun with the physical body and "primal hunger", but I think if I'm really honest it's my mind that needs new beliefs and patterns in order for all of me to be truly free. The ebook and audio have been somewhat helpful in this and likely i just need a bit more patience with the process, but damn it sucks how frequently this awful thought torments me.

yogini345's picture
You said a mouthful, honey.

You said a mouthful, honey. Not bingeing and dealing with all the uncomfortable realities of life head on? It's scary. This may be a prison, but it's OUR prison, one we're comfortable with.

Luckily, we don't have to jump out into freedom with both feet. We can tiptoe, and come back to ed through relapse, hopefully building up enough courage and knowledge to leave it behind for good.

Being as aware as you are makes it harder, because you know exactly what you're leaving behind and what you're heading toward. But the flip side is that you have the smarts to make it happen, when you're ready, in a safe way. Your fear, your cage, is of your own making and you can lower the bars when it's safe. Please keep writing--this is truly amazing stuff.

journeycc's picture
i totally agree rocky and

i totally agree rocky and yogini...i have always believed that for me to let go of this horrible illness, i also have to let go of the one thing i crave. That is the first few moments of relief that the food brings. Im a recovering alcoholic as well and i found that's it's the same illness. Just like i used to crave and obsess for that first drink, i do also for that first bite. Of course i dont focus on the end of the binge, the purging, the feelings afterward. I obsess about that first bite. The release, the freedom, the high i get. I eat and eat and eat and take a mental flight to anywhere but here. And then, things don't hurt as bad, i don't feel so much, things aren't so intense, the anxiety goes away...all those things. But, just as soon as the b/p is over, all of those things are back and worse. It's all a delusion. The delusion of freedom, when really it's the ultimate trap. My head begs for a binge but by the end of it, im crying for mercy. I hate myself. That's what i try to remember. That is the truth for me.

lindsay6's picture
I certainly know how you feel

I certainly know how you feel because that is what I thought about 40 years ago. Why would anyone want to give up this great thing where you get to eat like crazy and not pay the consequences for it. Wow did I find out how wrong I was. There are plenty of consequences which kind of creep up on you. Recovery benefits kind of creep up on you too.

What you are describing is not recovery. If you have those powerful urges all the time you are going to BP. Bulimia is powerful. Recovery is not wanting to do it and feeling better for it. It is freedom from exactly the hell you are describing where you are desperate to have a BP to off you some relief, which it never does very well. The crazy hunger and cravings are gone for me now. Now I am not saying there are not those moments or even hours sometimes and it is not all sweetness and light but it certainly isn't the picture you are painting here. If it is as you describe no one in their right mind is signing up for that. Most of the time I feel so much better and am so grateful for recovery. In the past when certain situations arose I would have a lapse. Then back to getting some recovery again. This time it has been 4 months BP free and it is so amazing the way I feel it is hard to describe. No hangovers, no constipation and a load of energy. If you could just try this for a day to see what awaits you then you would understand.

When you are going through hell, keep going.

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