For the past couple of months, I've been accused non-stop of being selfish and "all about ME ME ME" and for some reason, significant others can't get it through their heads that recovery is a selfish process. I have to worry about me for once, which is increasingly hard since I work in the healthcare profession. Co-dependence is definitely something I have to look out for. I had grown so attached to him that I followed his every move and did anything he wanted to and all of his friends became my friends. He'd stood by me for this first part of my recovery and drops the bomb on me yesterday that he seriously doesn't see us working out because all I care about is me. It's been a year and five months and you can just walk out like that? I know I'm not as sensitive as you wish I was, but really?
I still haven't cried. I'm too stressed with school and all of this recovery (yesterday was my 3 week mark purge-free) stuff, that I haven't even been able to fully grasp what has just happened. My boyfriend (also my best friend) just left me, just like that, POOF. He won't even text/call me back just to talk and get closure. He's finished and I'm starting to realize maybe I have been for a long time, grown enough in my recovery to outgrow him? It happens all the time in any addiction recovery process.
I can't cry...but I can't eat either. I don't have an appetite and I don't really want to face anybody right now. I don't want to talk, I just want to get my school work done and go to sleep to just wake up to a lonely mess tomorrow. I'm so terrified of going at this alone. What if I can't? What if I am just going to be all alone forever because I can't give up being miss independent or I never fully recover?