Harsh things your partner can say

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Odimelodi
Odimelodi's picture
Harsh things your partner can say

So last night my boyfriend and I went out to a restaurant for dinner. We don't make time for each other very much because we always invite friends, or his parents, or someone with. He doesn't really make much effort to spend lots of time alone as a couple (and making time is one of my love languages) and so last night was one of those once in a blue moon events. So we were sitting in the restaurant and besides the fact that it was day 1 in recovery, we decided to order pizza and a few drinks. So while we were chatting and just started enjoying each others company... we started talking about our future etc. since we are almost 4 years together. Then he suddenly said something truly hurtful... he said that the thing that worries him is that if we'd have a kid who is 'like me' he wouldn't be able to handle it! And I think he was referring to me as a person AND my faults. I felt super insulted, hurt and it triggered some of the core feelings that fires this disease- worthless, guilt, and rejected. I didn't know what to say.

He's been with me through the worst of my eating disorder, watched me find recovery and I thought i could trust him with sharing who I am, struggles, victories, and all! Nonetheless to say we ended the night in complete silence. I was speechless. He tried to tell me I understood him wrong... but in how things were going these past few months it kind of sums up why he didn't make effort to work on our relationship.
I didn't purge last night (which I was grateful for) I thought about it, but I was hurt too much. So today... I feel vulnerable and unsure of where our relationship is going. I'm thinking about dealing with it in the worst way possible -yes, binging and purging. but somehow , i don't feel so much like it. Maby from an outside point of view anyone can say I may be overreacting? or do I have reason to be very mad, heartbroken and disappointed?

XxX

meredith.grubbs27
meredith.grubbs27's picture
One of my biggest fears is

One of my biggest fears is fear of the future. I'm scared of having kids because I don't want to see them struggle with the same things I have. But the truth is, my journey through recovery is going to help me be a better mother. Yours is too.

Even though I understand his fear (because it's mine too!), it was totally inappropriate for him to say that. I know it hurt your feelings, and I can understand why! We need partners who believe in our 100% recovery. If he isn't helping you in recovery anymore, it's okay to take time to do what you need to do for yourself. Explain to him why that hurt you so badly, and that it triggered those feelings: "worthless, guilt, rejected." If he is the guy who's going to keep helping you through this journey, he will understand.

Odimelodi
Odimelodi's picture
Thanks so much Meredith. I

Thanks so much Meredith. I guess I haven't come so far to tell him exactly those feelings, and I should. I told him that he cannot keep the past against me forever because I need a strong man beside me not to criticise me but to help me figure it out and find solutions because sometimes not even I can find the silver lining. I also don't want my children to go through the pain that I do but I definitely know what to do and what not to do If it happens when I get there, so I do understand. I choose to keep him out of my recovery journey because he has tried in the past to help me, thinking he can fix me... but he soon found out that no matter how hard he tried, he can't. And it's best he stays out of it otherwise we just both get hurt, it's like the third person in our relationship....which is so sad. But your perspective really helps... and I guess that I need to put it in the right way to him, instead of keeping a grudge and building mountains and walls in my heart.

XxX

carlz0090
carlz0090's picture
Hi Odine! I hope you're

Hi Odine! I hope you're feeling ok. Words can be so hurtful, but well done for being so strong and not giving in to the Binge Purge cycle as a release =).

I just wanted to say that i hope you don't take your partners words as a factual pathway for your future, when you do eventually have kids. I have suffered from ednos, anorexia and bulimia since my early teens, and i now have 2 children and you know what, i made it my priority to never get my personal issues mixed up with my role as a parent. They would have no idea of what i'm going through, and i will be sure to always keep it that way. If anything, i instil such a healthy attitude toward food in my kids...pity i can't take my own advice!!

Your partner, like most people (mainly men lol), probably lacks an understanding of how an ED actually works. The suffering that it causes makes you a better parent in a way (as weird as it sounds), because as a parent you don't want your kids to make the same mistakes that you have in your life, or to suffer in ways that can be prevented. My biggest mistake was allowing an ED to develop and manifest over so many years (and having my own mother watch it happen without trying to help), feeding my low self esteem and poor self image. With my daughters, i will always ensure that i keep them on the right track, with a positive self image and healthy attitude toward food.

You will be a great mum when the time comes, your partner just sounds like a typical guy...sometimes they can be harsher than they mean to be.

Hope you're feeling better and take care.

Carly x

freakyblonde88
freakyblonde88's picture
I understand how hurtful that

I understand how hurtful that can be. Although I'm pretty sure he didn't mean you as a person but rather he would not wish ED on his child. I'm pretty sure he's not the only one who feels this way. I would be devastated if my son or daughter had to go through an ED in life. It would be really hard and something I would pray never happens to any of our children. Also considering how much ED consumes of us I think finding the balance between relationship, kids and ED can be extremely challenging.

I'm sure he loves you, but remember ED takes a crazy toll on our loved ones as it does on us.
I don't think I would have been able to handle things had the tables been turned and my better half was fighting an ED for 5 years. That would have hurt more then the fact that I had an ED for 5 years.

Get what I mean? But communication is key. I hope and pray that you can work things out, and kudos to you for staying strong and not purging last night.

Big hugs!

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