So last night my boyfriend and I went out to a restaurant for dinner. We don't make time for each other very much because we always invite friends, or his parents, or someone with. He doesn't really make much effort to spend lots of time alone as a couple (and making time is one of my love languages) and so last night was one of those once in a blue moon events. So we were sitting in the restaurant and besides the fact that it was day 1 in recovery, we decided to order pizza and a few drinks. So while we were chatting and just started enjoying each others company... we started talking about our future etc. since we are almost 4 years together. Then he suddenly said something truly hurtful... he said that the thing that worries him is that if we'd have a kid who is 'like me' he wouldn't be able to handle it! And I think he was referring to me as a person AND my faults. I felt super insulted, hurt and it triggered some of the core feelings that fires this disease- worthless, guilt, and rejected. I didn't know what to say.
He's been with me through the worst of my eating disorder, watched me find recovery and I thought i could trust him with sharing who I am, struggles, victories, and all! Nonetheless to say we ended the night in complete silence. I was speechless. He tried to tell me I understood him wrong... but in how things were going these past few months it kind of sums up why he didn't make effort to work on our relationship.
I didn't purge last night (which I was grateful for) I thought about it, but I was hurt too much. So today... I feel vulnerable and unsure of where our relationship is going. I'm thinking about dealing with it in the worst way possible -yes, binging and purging. but somehow , i don't feel so much like it. Maby from an outside point of view anyone can say I may be overreacting? or do I have reason to be very mad, heartbroken and disappointed?