Help me understand

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syedahum
syedahum's picture
Help me understand

I dont know what is going on. Just recently I felt like I was doing so good and was so proud of myself. I binged a little yesterday morning, realised why I did it, decided not to beat myself up about it and learnt my lesson from it and moved on. Thus all my positivity in my blogs too.

But I just binged again. I overate this morning after my workout but did not feel the disgusting, uncomfortably full feeling so I figured thats just how much my body needs after a workout. Now I just dont understand why I binged this time. It was on cookies, something that was taboo to me while I was on my diets. While recovering I allowed myself all kinds of foods and just didnt get around to cookies so maybe thats why I was trying to compensate now that I am eating them?

I just want to continue to stay positive and learn my lesson and move on.
I was having a bad day with missing my boyfriend so much since he's been at work since 9 in the morning and today is our 6 month anniversary. He has been very busy lately and rarely ever has time for me. This has been bugging me a lot lately and I was pretty bummed yesterday too but he didnt even say anything although he did notice. I have also been thinking about my mom who passed away a year ago.. and.. I dont know. I just feel like a mess and dont know what to take away from this.

Please help me understand and feel better. I feel so alone right now..
When will this nightmare end..I just want to be normal.. :'(

"If you are going through hell, keep going till you find the exit"

" Keep moving forward. Purging is the disorder, Binging is your body fixing it. Structured eating is the medication"

syedahum
syedahum's picture
Just end it

I am extremely disappointed and disheartened.. I just want out. I want out so bad! I want to have a normal life or none at all. I've had enough. I want out..

"If you are going through hell, keep going till you find the exit"

" Keep moving forward. Purging is the disorder, Binging is your body fixing it. Structured eating is the medication"

dborows
dborows's picture
hey your not alone people are

hey your not alone people are relapsing right now but remember what you always say this is teaching you a lesson, you have to learn from this!

syedahum
syedahum's picture
I dont see my lesson

This is what confuses and scares me. I dont understand what I am to learn from this. I dont really see why this happened.
Deprived of foods like cookies? Working out a lot so my calorie needs have increased?
I'm not sure at all so I dont know what to make of it. It feels so difappointing to me now because I can taste the recovery now I am so close.
I will still try to count my blessings I guess and let this pass. I am trying hard not to break down..

"If you are going through hell, keep going till you find the exit"

" Keep moving forward. Purging is the disorder, Binging is your body fixing it. Structured eating is the medication"

syedahum
syedahum's picture
I know that feeling

I totally understand what you are saying. Looking at others who can eat normally and not give a second thought to having enjoyed a treat makes me feel so jealous. And they make it look so effortless. How did we get ourselves into this? :( I, for one, treasure being normal and eating reasonable amounts without overthinking so much more now. I just want to go back to having a real life and focussing on things that really matter instead of watching my life pass me by while I fret about what I have eaten and what my body is doing with it. It really seems so unimportant yet I cant let it go.
Its very frustrating.
You should face the situation. I know it is easier said than done, but try and focus on your friends rather than the food? Make sure you havent deprived yourself and are not hungry going into it? Dont look at it like you are not allowed to. That is your diet mentality taking control and if there is one thing I have learnt from this is that if you listen to your diet mentality instead of your body, your body will strike back and you will end up binging. Internal cues is what it is all about! Old habits do die hard but give it time and listen to your body.
If you want to chat, my ID is oceanmist_g4u@hotmail.com

Best wishes! :)

"If you are going through hell, keep going till you find the exit"

" Keep moving forward. Purging is the disorder, Binging is your body fixing it. Structured eating is the medication"

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