Hoarding and lying

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ason
ason's picture
Hoarding and lying

I am a hoarder. But only of bad ed related things. I hoard gum,Splenda, food, candy, and money. I hoard so much I forget where I have hidden everything. I lie so much that when asked, I will lie to the most important person in my life and say I have nothing. I am so comfortable lying I feel no remorse. Maybe I am completely heartless. I have recently had a string of days b/p free and haven't felt the need to amass more stuff. But I cannot seem to get rid of my stashes either. For what if, in a moment of need, I have nothing to turn to? That's how my mind thinks. I would like to know other people's experiences w this bc clearly life is not working for me as a hoarder. And I will never have friends or a trusting family or a husband that wants to stay w me (he is struggling now) if I don't figure out where the coldness inside me lies that allows me to hurt w lies. Really really feeling like a deceptive crazy person

less_intense
less_intense's picture
First of all, I get the

First of all, I get the hoarding. Sometimes when I go to the grocery store I buy stuff to BP with at some point in the future. I hide this stuff so my son doesn't see it and ask me about it. I've noticed that when I have this stuff I feel "safe" that I can BP if I need to. I feel a sense of relief that it is there for me. I also know that when I go to the store and don't buy that stuff I don't BP as much.

Give yourself credit for even being aware of your behavior. A true coldhearted, "deceptive crazy person", would think that behavior was perfectly acceptable and normal, and wouldn't think twice!! You are not purposely trying to hurt people. We deserve compassion for ourselves. Easier said than done, of course.
Nina

everkookum
everkookum's picture
I also get the hoarding and

I also get the hoarding and lying...truly think it's part of the territory when in our b/p obsession. When I'm doing the b/p I realize that all my character and moral reasoning goes down the drain...probably adds to the guilt and shame I feel after...have to be kinder and more gentle towards these failings as I press on in my recovery...grace...grace...grace. Shame will keep me in the behaviour....I believe with all my heart that these behaviours will fall away as I recover

Everkookum

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
As on, it don't think you

As on, it don't think you show no remorse for just by posting here, you are showing you don't like what you are doing and don't like how you are lying to your loved ones, in particular your husband. I also don't think you are heartless! You want to both protect yourself from exposure, that act of revealing those dark secrets of ED that are shrouded with guilt and shame and the act of lying with ease, I think it's just that we get used to what we can get away with! You have recognised your lies and want to change things, but feel lost as to how to do that without risking what "you are" I get scared that if I reveal one of my secrets or one of the things I do, such as run the bath after dinner so I can disappear into the bathroom to vomit, I so I'll no longer have the safe feeling of an escape route after I eat. I narrow down the ways I can fuel my eating disorder by being honest and that scares me- even though I hate having an ED!

Being honest and stopping lying are kind of the same, but also different. If you can slowly build on some honesty around your ED, it becomes a little easier each time. I've been very honest about a lot with my boyfriend, but there is still a huge amount he doesn't know. It will come slowly, but only as fast as I am able to let go, just a little bit at a time.

Keep working on your ED bit by bit. It won't be fixed overnight, so don't expect all those feelings associated with it to be either. You'll get there! You've been honest and frank to us, so you are one step further than you were in the past when absolutely NO ONE knew about your ED. We've all been there!

Lea

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