I am new to this recovery program.
I do not have the typical bulimia story, I am finding out. I didn't have my first purge until I was 28 years old. By that age, most treatment programs in America won't take you. I thought it so strange that I began at the same age most treatment centers will no longer offer help. At least that was the case back then, in my area.
I didn't grow up in dance or gymnastics. I didn't struggle with body image until 6th grade. In elementary I was the tallest girl and I started my mental cycle in 4th grade. By the time 6th grade came around, I was no longer a thin girl. Rather, I was heavier than most and had large boobs. My dad later admitted to being concerned about my weight during my middle school years... although he never showed his concern. My 8th grade year I began running. I still wasn't a small girl, but at least I felt I had an identity as a runner which was better than being known as the awkward chubby girl. I didn't show any signs yet of restriction. Middle school was terrible and I was picked on and excluded by my peers, I believed this was due to my weight. This slowly improved until high school graduation. But the emotional damage of middle school left a scar on my heart and I still carry with me the need to please people or gain approval.
Fast forward to adulthood. By age 27 I am married, have a 2 year old son, and am married to an abusive and controlling husband. Exactly one year before my first purge I found myself at a low place in life, depressed, and bored. I decide to try my first ever restrictive diet. Up till now I have loved to run, but joked that I ran so I could eat more. I had known that if I chose to, I could eat less sweets and loose a few pounds, but I didn't care enough to do so. Well, at 27 I was curious enough to try it. I found a diet that had me limit my calories to 1500 per day, when I actually needed around 2200, based on my high activity level. I did this for 5-6 months before I noticed that I began having random binges. These random binges became more frequent. Six months after my first binge I had my first purge. After going on that diet I lost weight and started getting SO MANY compliments! I was an emotionally dry desert in need of affirmation considering my husband (now ex-husband) was verbally bashing and condemning. So, I feared weight gain.
6 years later I am still struggling with bulimia. I have been in counseling and therapies. I have explored my heart, past, emotions, hurts, habits and so on and so forth. My relationship with Jesus is the glue that has held me together and kept me from going off the deep end and also is the reason I haven't followed through with suicide that was too often a desire in my mind.
The worst years of bulimia for me were the first couple. The past three years I have improved to purging an average of 4-5 times a month. Though this is better than 4-5 times a day, I am not free. Bulimia has stolen my joy and has taken over my brain for too long! I want total recovery!!!!! For the first time I now have hope for full recovery! I look forward to no longer fearing food, restaurants, people. I long to be free from anxiety, depression, sadness, shame, hopelessness, low motivation and chaotic emotions.
I am now remarried to a wonderful man. He has know from the beginning about my struggle and he sees the real me and says that my bulimia isn't me, but a struggle that will one day be out of my life. He has had faith in me when I haven't. He is strong and has been a big part of the reason I am where I am today. But even he wants more for me. So, we are both excited about discovering Bulimia Help Method. Until now I didn't feel like anyone understood the unique struggle that I deal with as a bulimic. I cried and cried as I have read through this site, listened to recovery stories, and read the 7-day mini course. I didn't even understand why I was bulimic and thought I was crazy when I told people I feel like something hijacks my ability to have selfcontrol. Now I understand it better.
I am looking forward to full recovery as I have longed to have another child, but don't want to do so until I am free. My son is now 8.5 years old and still asks for a sibling. It breaks my heart that I haven't been healthy enough to give him one. But now I have hope :-)