How the bulimia got away with murder

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Letgoandletgod
Letgoandletgod's picture
How the bulimia got away with murder

Eating for Fun? It's mostly when I'm alone, though even when I'm out I'm far from even a civilized piggy. But it's been a few days with no purge but a whole lotta binge. I suspect this is going to be a little normal after stopping the purging behavior. It's one step at a time: there are many levels of acceptance with bingeing and purging, and I think right now I have to let the food settle (*painfully) in my stomach. This is so emotionally uncomfortable right now, but I think the longer I distance myself from this the easier it will be. Next, when the binges eventually come into control after much hard work and effort on my part, I'll have to sit with all those distorted thoughts and irregular emotions, learning to deal with and change them for the better.
Sometimes, in every day life, we have days where we eat little, eat normal amounts, and even binge, especially at a nice family dinner. But all these types of eating I believe are healthy. Somewhere along the line, over time and development, I created a very strong relationship between food and comfort. And so I think, "the more food I eat the more comfortable I feel." Well, ladies, I too want to fit in my mini bikini though those "eating for comfort" habits don't quite work. So, purging became an option.
I remember the first time I tried, I felt like I had discovered amazing new trick I could tell all women of the world, a true answer to losing weight and keeping it off. Now, it's totally consumed my life, hours upon hours, a bunch of hard-earned cash figuratively and literally down the toilet. I'd tear my throat with scaly finger of a malnutrition, dehydrated body. Bloody mix with the saliva, and still I had to make sure it was all out before I'd die in an internal pool of blood. Then that becomes extremely depressing after a while. I think, "How could I come this far, how can I stop, this is total chaos. I never saw this coming. Why do I hate myself so much to do this to me?" Now, the distress of b/p becomes very real and the self-loathing comes to an all-time high, so bingeing and purging becomes are ultimate crutch. Because relief is associated with the b/p. When I'm done purging, I'm like, "thank god this is over, I hope I don't ever have to do this again." This fanatical relief becomes so reinforced by so many repeats of the same rutty downward spiral. This hateful, downward spiral to a disintegration of mind, body, and soul needs to be stopped. For those who are smarter or more rational, or whatever it is to stop this before the many others who have not, are so lucky to begin unleashing themselves from such a ball-and-chain issue. We are all lucky to even have such a website, a safe place to talk about this issue.
And so now I sit here, on day one, AGAIN, but I have to bring myself back to the present againaaginaagin and again, every-time my mouth wonders to food, my body wanders to the fridge, ad my thoughts wandering to a sweet desire. I HAVE to SIT with my emotional pangs. And since my mind wandered all the way to the fridge, to my mouth, into my stomach numerous times today, I have to also sit with the physical pangs. But this is what life is about: it's about being accountable for my actions. I can't hide this anymore, and if I try, my teeth will talk in ways that will speak up for the body and let the world know that Yes, I am a bulimic.

 

 

 


 

 


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