I always find myself saying "this is my last binge"

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becks23
becks23's picture
I always find myself saying "this is my last binge"

Do you all do this?
Do you set dates for when you will stop b/ping? I always find myself saying "this is my last binge" or "monday is when I'll start fresh" or making excuses of why I can't quit until after something happens. I find this very destructive for me because there's always a reason to keep doing it.

Skinnimini
Skinnimini's picture
I do the Monday thing lol.

I do the Monday thing lol. And just to clear this up - there is NEVER a reason to keep doing it and you know it ;)

Lately, if my day starts well, I tell myself, this has been a good day so far and it will continue to be a good day! If I slip in the morning, I say, okay that was a bad hour, but the rest of the day will be good! It's probably easier said than done, but I don't ever get down on myself if I make it 3 days and then b/p, I just keep going. Because of this, my b/p's have been farther and farther apart :)

xoxo

One day at a time <3

smileyness123
smileyness123's picture
Always.

Every morning, i'm like, todays the day. Im not going to purge my breakfast, but then i do and then i just think well i've already purged today, i may as well purge the other meals aswell. :/

And i keep putting it off, and even as i purge, it comes to mind and i think oh well, i should stop, i said i wouldn't, so yah.
It's hard trying to stop, trying to tell yourself not to, when you've been doing it for so long. :/

Hope everything works out for you.

xox

---

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean that tomorrow wont be the best day of your life. You just gotta get there."

becks23
becks23's picture
:)

I like the idea of thinking of it as a bad hour instead of just throwing the whole day away. It's too easy for my to rationalize purging and I need to just stop I guess. I always freak out that I missed something "bad" and it's still in my stomach so I need to keep throwing up until I'm sure it's gone even if that means purging healthy things.
It is hard to break a routine when it's been literally everyday for years and years. I know I want to get better but am I ready....when I fail I think it's because I'm not. :(

rhue
rhue's picture
I do this. After a binge, I

I do this. After a binge, I tell myself: NEVER AGAIN. Then, usually I slip later that day because I am so absolute and rigid and angry about already having slipped. People say that if you allow yourself to think of a future that MIGHT include a binge, it is easier... yet, I actually CANNOT allow myself to think like that or I would be depressed alllll the time. So I set dates-- but, to be honest, it really doesn't work for me.

shotgunxsinner7
shotgunxsinner7's picture
I just did that tonight. I've

I just did that tonight. I've been overeating this past week and I made a plan to eat healthy tomorrow. Then I told myself "okay this is the last night I'm overeating....might as well eat a lot now since its the last time."
Again, its the all or nothing mentality.

becks23
becks23's picture
Ditto!

I'm totally all or nothing. Neither's good but my bank account would be a lot better off if I stuck with the nothing.

skypixie07
skypixie07's picture
Ive had this so many times.

Ive had this so many times. Especially every time ive entered a new treatment program. When I feel I'm ready to change. The night before or day of I have my "last supper" you can say. And I can't count how many "last suppers" I've had now. I recently have found myself doing the same thing as I've gone broke. "ok I cant spend anymore money on this. This is my last time" And then once I manage to get some money the next week, even if its 5 dollars, I'm ready to go again.

Makes me see how manipulative my ed is. Always trying to stay alive.

sugarcoated
sugarcoated's picture
honeslty every single day i

honeslty every single day i tell myself its my last binge

i hate working in a foodstore because after seeing stuff all day and smelling the freshly baked stuff i want to binge like a woman possessed

its got waaay out of hand because each time i'm so sure that its my last binge, i've started buying so much more each time because i am so sure that its definatly the last time,
but it really never is the last time.

i feel like adrug addict

becks23
becks23's picture
My binges have gone from $10

My binges have gone from $10 to $70 A DAY over the years. It's like being a drug addict for sure, you just need more more more especially when it's the last time. I'm addicted to cocaine, I haven't used since December but I noticed the same pattern in my drug use. Today I'm spending more on food per week than I did on coke, and for the year and a half that I used daily I never binged or purged. It's hard to decide what is really better for me...but coke doesn't get me high anymore so it's a waste for sure. It's one or the other for me it seems. I've gone to the 3 grocery stores in this town so much that people give me that "concerned' look when I come in that look of "she's so skinny but all she eats is candy, cookies, and sandwiches. I've frequented all the fast food places to the point where they know my "usual." I've ventured into the two closest towns to go to their grocery stores, each of which are an hour away, just for binge food. The waste of money really gets to me. If I was a good person, instead of having a last binge I would donate the money to a charity and I could feed so many starving people with the food I CHOOSE to buy and throw up.

amelia
amelia's picture
Jeez, how is it that we are all exactly the same?

It's so so strange that we all share such awful habits and characteristics. I often wonder how such a gigantic coincidence could be possible; like, is there something in the water, or the air? But I don't want to go psycho and start getting obsesses with conspiracy theories and the like. Whether such things exist or not, I don't think it would make me any happier, or any less bulimic to know.

It is very comforting though to know we all hate the same things about bulimia... I'm not in any way delighting in other people's misery; on the contrary, every time I read something someone writes and think "oh my god, that's what I do too!!!", it makes me think "right, screw you bulimia, there's a whole army of us who are taking your shit, but we're not going to any more!".

xxx

kazza26
kazza26's picture
hi

oh god,yes all the time.i binge then say tomorrow will be different,il be more disciplined.what annoys most is my lack of will power .as i used to restrict food more then anything.now i mainly binge and purge,everytime i say thats it.no more.

rawkstar05
rawkstar05's picture
I do this all the time. Its

I do this all the time. Its so frustrating for me to try and recover because I do this almost every day. Sometimes its really bad when I know I'm going to have a hard weekend or so, I'll tell myself its ok to b/p during the weekend but then I have to start again on monday. It always feel like yesterday I said tomorrow, and the cycle keeps going, and if I purge once its like my day is ruined and I should just b/p some more and start again tomorrow. I think I'm going to try the hours thing maybe that will help me...i don't know

hanabi
hanabi's picture
Yes, I definitely do this

Yes, I definitely do this too!! Everytime after I binge, I think to myself, "This is the LAST time. May as well make it a good one." And that leads to sometimes thinking that, if I didn't eat quite all of my favorite binge foods the last time, I have to do it again the next day so I can have a "perfect" last binge.
And then I also have the problem with Starting Over on Monday or the 1st of the month or whatever. Thank goodness I've avoided that this week, though, as I binged on Monday, but instead of throwing the whole week away, I started fresh on Tuesday. (:

One thing that has helped me is, like others have said, is to not let the rest of the day be ruined if I do binge. I have decided that I have to go about my activities as normal as possible afterward. If I had something planned or something I needed/wanted to get done, I do it, rather than just lying in bed bemoaning my existence. Even though I haven't stopped binging completely, doing that has helped prevent me from doing it multiple times per day so far!

caitlin1988
caitlin1988's picture
I do what alcoholics do.

My step father is a recovering alcoholic, so I do what he learned in AA: right now I won't binge or purge. Right now. I don't know about lunch, but I won't now. Then, I slowly build up from there. But I take every day, every meal, I do this. It's so hard, but it tends to now just go day by day. I don't know about tomorrow if I will or not, but I can keep myself from doing it now. Also, if I do binge and purge, I go back to just doing each minute, each hour. It really helps so much!!!!

"Wow, look how beautiful I am."

princesspie
princesspie's picture
patterns

Its very very interesting that we all display very similar behaviour, we all make the same promises, we have the same thought patterns when it comes to b/p, thoughts about ourselves, the OCDness of it all and the things we do to get, eat and hide food.
This makes me think that its all about brain wiring, thought patterns and chemical structure. Its possible we are predisposed to it or that our brain and body treats the ED in a certain way, to manage it.
Has anyone been on anti-depressents for their ED? Did it help? What about natural treatments?

Marionette
Marionette's picture
I'm terrible for this. It's

I'm terrible for this. It's always "New term, new start, when I move back to Uni this time it'll work."

A few days into term and I'm already b-p-ing constantly, so I say "Next week will be the week. This is just the settling in process, of course it'll take time to get into routine."

Of course it never happens.

"Oh, it's halfway through term now, so I can say that half of the term was bad but I pulled it together for the second half."

Er... fail.

"It'll be fine when I go home anyway, change of scene, fresh start, the vacation to totally start a new schedule and lifestyle, no academic pressure, no social stress, total focus."

I get home, raid the fridge, loathe myself.

"Oh well, next term..."

You get the picture.

cutebutterfly09
cutebutterfly09's picture
i wish

I just wish we could all meet and give each other a BIG HUG! I'm so sorry we are all living our lives with so much guilt and pain. we are all starving inside, starving from love, peace, and hunger. a hole we can never fill.
Each time i start eating something i say...no! i'm not going to throw up, this isn't so bad. then when i reach the full meter, i have to run and throw up.
My thoughts: I have been thinking of this for years, why do we throw up? i think i've finally figured it out? i associate the feeling of being full with weight gain, so i throw up to numb the pain of memories of being "fat". and of course the high and energy we get after.

The past cannot be changed, but the future is whatever you want it to be.

j_face
j_face's picture
yeah, every day. i think

yeah, every day. i think 'okay, its a new day, i can do it'
especially the beginning of a new month!

Shell
Shell's picture
Again, yes, exactly the

Again, yes, exactly the same.

I've just joined this site and it's crazy how we all seem to feel the same way. I get so down and angry with myself now. I've had the condition since I was 16 and I'm now 23. It's completely out of control, completely ruining my work and social life. Again tonight I'll be thinking that tomorrow is a new day, but I'll wake up with a dry throat, tired eyes and feeling generally rubbish...... it's not an easy task to just get up and get on with it.. Although I have found that smiling helps :)

behealthy
behealthy's picture
I definitely have done

I definitely have done this...I want to keep my positivity going, then I would just HATE the feeling of feeling full, even if I ate very little...I would still feel gross. :(

Smiles & Hugs~Peace & Love

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