I am Anna and I am bulimic

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AnMu
AnMu's picture
I am Anna and I am bulimic

Hi,
I am Anna and I've been bulimic for 19 years.
My beginnings as bulimic....well known story.
I started with diets at 13. Long periods fasting, severe diets and then overeating. At 15 I managed to weight 84 kg.
I read a book, which changed my life. In bad. :(
It was about a woman who used to eat 10 chocolate bars at once and then used to vomit to keep her weight under control.
I got the "magic" idea that I can eat as much as I want and then vomiting to get rid by the calories.
I lost in half of the year, 25 kilos by doing this. I promised myself I will stop, once I will lose enough weight.
I realized a year after, that I could not stop. I was completely trapped.

In these 19 years I managed to keep my weight below 60, with vomiting nearly everything I eat.

I am happy I could find this group.Was searching for help and support for a long time.
I am too proud to tell to the others in what nightmare I live. From outside, I look like a very successful in her career, beautiful, elegant lady.

In reality, my reality, I really feel that, I am now at my limits and my life doesn't have any sense anymore. Nothing makes me to feel happy or content. I only feel terrible tired, anxious, sick, fat, mad, my teeth are terrible damaged, I lost a lot of hair. I am freezing even inside are 24 degrees.
I am 35. I moved to China at the beginning of this year and I feel terrible alone and stressed. Moving here made the things worse.
I know that if I don't change sth and I don't do anything to recover I will die.
And I don't want to die.
Maybe sounds hilariuos..but I am afraid if I die, they will find out why.

I know if I don't tell to anybody and I don't search for support, I cannot manage alone. I tried this many years and I always fell back.
I think it would help me only if I can tell to somebody what it is happening with me.

Many greetings,
Anna

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
Hi Anna, I certainly

Hi Anna,

I certainly understand what you said was "hilarious." The secrecy is so important. Even after so many years of being bulimic, I have never told anyone except a couple of professionals. It makes us feel so disgusting and ashamed of ourselves. I do see the humor, though, in that your biggest fear about dying is that someone will know you were bulimic. That speaks to how much we worry about what other people will think of us, doesn't it?

I think you are right about talking about it, and this is the place where you can do that, and everyone will understand. Talk as much as you want. My heart goes out to you for your pain and hopelessness. For me, this program gave me immediate relief, not complete relief, but immediate hope and calmness that I hadn't had before.

Please try the structured eating. It is such a simple thing, but it makes a huge difference. It showed me that my problem is caused by not eating properly and can be cured by correcting that mistake.

Carol

AnMu
AnMu's picture
Hi Carol, Thank you so much

Hi Carol,
Thank you so much for your kind message.
I joined this group in September and also purchased the program. Reading the ebook made me to understnad what it is happening to me and gave me hope, courage and calmness too.
With eating and food I have a huge problem, even I tried to put in prctice what I read in the recovery book.
I am in China and I have to go very often to business dinners with my partners.
In China people tend to order incredible much food and to eat incredible much. And trust me...who thinks the chinese food is healthy, they should come to China to see how it is in reality.
And that stuff....you don't get your own plate to know for sure how much you eat...and eating from all the plates really makes me to lose control.
More than this, is not very effective to isolate myself for a while. I am alone here and I dont have too many friends(I am too tired for social activities). This loliness kills me. I fall into depression every evening when I come at home and there is nobody.
With recovery program I am also very scared. I already got 5 kilos since I moved to China.
A perfect prove B&P are not very effective. Even I tried to get rid by all the food.

The only food I allow to myself to eat is a slice of bred+1 egg+1 tomato.
I eat this every morning since 8 months ago.
I have a big problem here, as i cannot find my safe food I used to allow myself to eat.
So..I resumed the list to only 3 ingredients.
Probably this is why I feel so bad lately.
The only food I don't have to make efforts to keep it in my stomach is this breakfast.
Everything I eat later is struggling. I get immediatelly sick and feel the need to get rid by food. It doesnt matter if I eat only two spoons or the whole pot. And also terrible fear I will get even fatter. My stomach is not used anymre to process food when I provide it food at different hours.
I do believe just listening to my body, the SE is a very good practice, as it conditions our bodies to expect food at certain hours
and to react to it.
Like Pavlov dog. :)
After reading that book and understanding what it is hapening to me, I made a pact with myself. I have to recover. I have to fight to myselft to recover. I have to tell what it is happening to me. I have to search for support. I know that alone I cannot manage.
I know that I don't want to die and to live anymore in this misery. Is a nightmare. It destroy me piece by piece and everything I have done till now.
I still hope I will have a normal life, I will have my family(this bulimia destroyed all my relationships), I will have my mind clear and not always feeling dizzy and sick.

Anna

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
I started the first two days

I started the first two days eating a small breakfast similar to yours. I had the urge to binge both nights, so I decided I needed to eat more during the day. I increased my breakfast to two eggs, two pieces of gluten free bread with a little ghee and for a couple of days I also had two link sausages or an ounce or two of ham. I ate a little more at lunch and dinner as well, and the night urges went away. For me, my night urges only come when I don't eat enough during the day. I definitely have to eat more than I feel I need, but I feel sure that will drop way back once I transition from structured eating to intuitive eating. There is not much protein in just one egg. I think more protein in the morning helps all day.

If you eat really well at breakfast and morning snack, you can maybe eat a little less at lunch and dinner and focus on the people there more.. You can also carry food that helps you stay with the program. Just make sure you are well-fed every three hours to keep those binges away.

Just keep reading the program and following it as best you can. It should get easier. Is there a community center where you could meet friends or some class you could take that would have people of your age and interests? You can always come here and talk to people. Over time you will acquire some regular people to talk to.

AnMu
AnMu's picture
Today I had a good day. I ate

Today I had a good day. I ate normally, trying to eat at every 3 hours. It worked. No overeating and no purging. I had to struggle a little with myself to keep the lunch, but it worked at the end.
I have sometimes such free days, if I stay at home, don't meet with anybody, try to eat normally sth which doesn't trriger a binge.

I am really proud by myself. I wet to hypermarket and bought only good food and not the whole supermarket. :) I made a plan for the next 3 days and bought only the right food for these 3 days. I decided is dangerous for me to keep too much food in house. I don't know when a urge will hit me(normally during the evening) so is better to have only safe and as less as possible food in house.
Going urgently to the supermarket in the middle of the night to buy more food is not really an option now, as there are more than - 15 degrees outside. So...also the Shenyang winter helps a little.:)

In the last few days I really felt very bad, Got a cold, I feel terribe exhausted, my heart beats very strange, I am freezing.
I convinced myself. You eat or soon you die. Trust me, when I feel I am at the edge, such scary thoughts helps.

I really feel the most difficult thing from the world is too eat.
Would be very difficult to explain to others how difficult and exhausting is to struggle with myself to eat and to convince myself that I wont get fat.
But I have to get back to normal.
This bulimia destroyed my life. 2 destroyed relationships. I lost 2 jobs in a year and this for a career oriented person was the most traumatic experience in my life. I had to move to China, to manage somehow to fix the disaster I made last year, private and professional.

There are many things to struggle, but I am convinced that if I manage to recover from bulimia, I will become stronger and more balanced and I can handle also with all the others easier.

Reading in that ebook, that I am not naturally crazy as I tried to convince myself in all these years and my strange behaviour is only a side effect of bulimia gave me so much hope.

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
You are on the right track,

You are on the right track, AnMu. I also found it so helpful to stop thinking of myself as being crazy. As the book shows, any normal person will start binging if they are deprived of food or just not given quite enough food. I had binge urges at night the first couple of days on the program, but I decided I needed to eat more during the day. I increased my breakfast a lot--two eggs, two slices of gluten-free bread with ghee and a slice of ham or a couple of sausages. I did that for a couple of days and increased my lunch and dinner by a little, and I have never had another binge urge. Night binges were always a problem for me, and I think it was caused simply by not eating enough during the day.

Another thing I have learned is that I must eat every three hours even though I am not terribly hungry. If I wait till I am really hungry, I start thinking of eating a huge amount. I haven't done it, but I think about it if I wait too long to eat. I wouldn't call it a binge urge, but I think it could easily lead to that.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you to eat. I enjoy my food so much. I think it is important to eat exactly what you want, rather than what you think you should eat. Eating something you really don't want leaves you wanting more. I craved ice cream and cheese at first. I think my body was lacking calcium because I had been completely avoiding dairy for several months. I let myself eat ice cream twice a day at first and had cheese for almost all my snacks, and now that craving has gone away. I made sure I only ate normal servings with three hours in between, but I ate them three times in a row if I felt like it. If I thought about eating them in between, I looked at the clock and thought, "I will eat that for my next meal." If I still wanted it then, I ate it. This really worked for me.

If you are not eating the foods you really want, you are going to continue wanting them, no matter what you eat. It sounds scary to let yourself eat anything, but if you do it the way the book says, eating every three hours and eating normal servings, the craving gets satisfied and you start eating more variety. The book even says you can eat more often than three hours if you need to. It is the regularity and not skipping any meal or snack that makes it work.

The exhaustion and struggle you are feeling are probably coming a lot from malnutrition. Think of someone in a concentration camp who is only getting tiny portions of poor quality food. How much energy could they have or how easy could their day of work be? If you eat regularly and eat food you enjoy and that has calories and protein and carbohydrates and, yes, fat, you will have more energy and life won't be such a struggle.

I have been doing this for two weeks, and I already feel so much better, mentally, physically, and emotionally. We are not supposed to be weighing ourselves or talking about weight, but I am sharing this because you are so worried about weight gain. I cheated and weighed myself this morning, and I have lost two pounds.

Keep working on it AnMu and keep coming here and talking about it. You will get stronger, especially if you eat. I think you can even start to enjoy eating if you eat things you really want. Are there things you like to eat? What are they?

AnMu
AnMu's picture
Today I was not so succesful.

Today I was not so succesful. I mean, I ate at every 3 hours, till I came home in the evening. I think I ate too less. In the afternoon a colleague me offered me a piece of chocolate. I said..ok..is very small, it cannot be so bad and I don't get fat. It had such a bad effect. I effectively thought I will lose my mind in those moments. Immediately I start thinking...I should go and vomit it. I resisted not to...till I got in my empty house.
I felt really tired today. Yesterday I was struggling with myself to eat, thinking the whole day to this recovery program. I dreamt last night that I binge and the purge.

Today a full office day. Very stressful...I got home and immediately start thinking the food(a lot of food) will confort me.
Is like a drog. I need a lot of food to release serotonin and to relax my brain and body.

What I learnt from the binge from today.
Chocolate is a huge trigger for me. So I should avoid it as much as possible.
I should eat more during the day.
And for tomorrow, immediately I get home I take a hot shower. This will calm me and relax my nerves and muscles.

I know I screwed up today(not the whole day) but I am determined to continue.
Anna

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
You are going to make it

You are going to make it AnMu. You learn from your mistakes and you remember that the whole day was not bad.

I cannot imagine how it would be if it was hard for me to eat. I love to eat. That is a real problem, but I think if you keep making yourself eat, it will get better.

What do you eat when you binge? It must be things you like. Why not eat smaller amounts of those same things often through the day, maybe even every two hours? Then you would probably not feel like binging when you get home. The lack of food all day has to make you very unwell. What is your body using for energy? It would be much better to have a little serotonin many times during the day than all at once in the evening.

The book says not to worry about what to eat at first, just eat. Preferably, we should try to include protein, carbs and fat, but when I first started, I was craving ice cream very strongly, so I ate ice cream twice a day. One time I even substituted ice cream for my whole dinner because that was all I wanted.

Try to think about what foods you really want to eat (not what you think you should eat) and eat them every two or three hours, whatever it is. The nourishment will make you stronger so that you can do more with the program.

You are making progress. You will get better if you stick with the program.

Carol

AnMu
AnMu's picture
My dear Carol, I am so

My dear Carol,
I am so greatful that you write to me and you encourge me. It means so much for me to find somebody to understand me, to support me and not to blame me.
Today I had a good day. I managed to eat normally, at every 3 hours. Ok, trying not to eat to much, but I think it was a normal and enough quantity.
I am romanian and we have a very famous dietetician in RO. She wrote a book about the right quantities a healthy and normal person should eat from each type of food. Not for keeping a diet, for a healthy life and rules to be applied all life long. I try to apply the rules from that book, because I have to admit I do not know which are the right quantities for me.
A bigger quantity of food, especially from those which have a trigger effect for me, immediately send me to the toilet to get rid by it.
Hard to fight with this feeling of having food in my stomach.

But I do think I proceed correctly, as I am in Structured Eating phase.
So I am trying to eat at every 3 hours, practice awareness, eating slowly, paying attention to what I eat(before it was like: close my eyes, lock my brain and swallow without chewing and feeling any taste, making everything to disapear in minutes. Honestly...I could win each and every contest: who is able to eat a huge quantity of food in a minute :) )

So, if I dont eat a big quantity, I can handle.

With the fear of eating and getting fat...I have this stuck on my brain since I was a teenager. My mother had and still has a huge belly. NOT TO get like her..is my worst nightmare. Rather I would die, than to ever have such a belly.

Regarding your question what I eat when I binge....sweets...many sweets(cookies, cakes, biscuits, chocolate, ice cream), sweet juices. Cream. They help me to increase the level of serotonin (I always feel depreesed and tired) and to relax my brain and muscles..

So is not a good idea to eat them. I even do not like them, I think.
I developed for sure a sort of addiction. I need them to help me to release serotonin, to help me to relax my brain and muscles, to make me to handle with anxiety.

This evening, I tried my trick. I came home and went directly to get a hot shower.
I got a pleasant comforting effect. And then I could eat normal, my dinner.

I think this trick is good for others too. You should try it too. :) When you feel like you want to binge(especially those night binges), because you are stressed, go immediatelly and take a shower. You will get a difusing in your bulimic thoughts and comfort your body. And you cannot run completely wet from the shower to go and eat. :) When you finish, all your black thoughts will disapear.

I know that in the book it is written to eat whatever I like in this phase. But it also written to avoid the big triggers. I know me. I recognized with the chocolate yesterday(my tabu sweet stuff)..I nearly got mad and immediatelly wanted to go and get rid by those 3 gr chocolate. So better I should not play with the fire, till I cannot handle with it.
Vegetables and meat, cheese and eggs, I can handle to eat them.

Anna.

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
Hello, Anna You are sounding

Hello, Anna

You are sounding stronger. It is good you are eating something and trying to enjoy your food. I guess everyone is different with what works for them. You seem to understand yourself well. I just found that as soon as I told myself I could eat anything I want every three hours, a calm came over me. Knowing I can eat sweets every three hours if I want keeps me from wanting to binge on them, and since I eat them whenever I want during the day, I don't have any binge urges at night. But I love sweets, and you don't even think you like them.

I try to keep my diet healthy overall, but for me it is important not to think I can never have the sweets I want. That is sure to make me want to eat the whole thing like it is my last chance to ever have it. I can eat a normal serving of cookies, one or two with a glass of milk, if I know I can have more cookies in three hours. Usually, I won't want to have sweets two times in a row, but just knowing I can if I want to keeps me from binging. I notice I am thinking far less about sweets now that I am eating them in the structured eating way than I did when I was trying to avoid them completely, and I have not binged on sweets since I started this program.

If I do start to feel like I want to binge, I will try your shower trick. That was smart of you to think of that. Still, it seems to me that if you come home from work wanting to binge, then it means you have not eaten what your body needs during the day.

I was wondering--are there foods you ate in Romania that you can never get in China? That would probably cause your body to crave those foods and maybe binge on something else.

There is also a supplement called rhodiola that I have just heard about. It is supposed to increase serotonin and energy. I think I will try it. I could definitely use a boost in my energy.

http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/natural-cures-depre...

Anyway, we both seem to be finding our way. You definitely sound less stressed and desperate and on the way to your cure. I am cheering for you.

You have mentioned your career. Do you care to say what kind of career you have and how it took you from Romania to China?

Carol

AnMu
AnMu's picture
Hi Carol, Yes, I feel a

Hi Carol,
Yes, I feel a little more energetic and relaxed. Terrible bloated, :) but I can handle. I repeat to myself it is absolutely normal in my case and I have to give time to my stomach to get used and process correctly the food.
Reading the book and being aware about what it should happen to me, gives me the power to accept and to go on.

I read a nice posting of one of the members: to treat ourselves like we are our best friends, to be nice and kind to us and to love ourselves. We don't treat bad our best friends.
I try to treat myself like a little scared and bewildered child who now is learning to walk and is tempted to fall. To be kind and careful to me. To accept that I can fall, but I will get up and walk again.
I decided I have to stop hating myself and to consider that my soul is separated by a body who doesnt listen and is doing everything on its own. Like in me were living 2 persons.

I repeat to myselft that I have to eat to get well and to feel better. Is not that I like the food(actually I feel like I hate it). i proceed like I am sick and got a prescription from the doctor.

I also repeat to myselft, if I want to eat something I can eat and nothing is restricted. Now I only eat, because I have to eat. I try to choose from my safe food and eat at the company canteen, what it is offered(luckily it is very diverse and every day I can choose different combinations of cooked vegetables).

Regarding what you are thinking. Maybe is true, what you think, that I dont eat what my body needs. I personally thik is a sort of addiction. Doing this for such a long time, I have become like Pavlov dog. :) Some kind of rutine. I am tired, I am stressed, I feel the need to eat sweets to trigger the producing of serotonin in order to get relaxed.

Regarding your question if there are foods here, I used to eat in RO. Unfortunatelly not really. And this is a big pain for me. Everything is sooo different here. I cannot find proper bread, cheese, yoghurt.
With vegetables is ok and I decided to start cooking for myself in a romanian style. Small quantities, for 1-2 days. And I will know for sure what ingredients I use and how clean they are.

Thank you for sharing with me that information about Rhodiola. I am soooo lucky. :))) This plant is growing in north of China(where I am living now) and is very easy to find it here.
I will definitely try it.

I am determined to try to get well and to respect all the recommendation from the book and from the postings.
Before I didn't know what to do and didn't understand what I should expect and what it is happening with me.
And I always gave up.

I am happy to hear for you it is a little easier.
Just keep going. From what you write looks like you understand what is going to happen with you and got relaxed knowing that nothing is forbiden. And it helps enormous that we get connected every day to this website and we can talk freely about our problems, how we feel, what we think, without being scared that we will not be understood or blamed.

Greetings.
Anna

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
I hear progress in your

I hear progress in your posts, Anna. I wonder if you could get the ingredients to make your own bread and yoghurt. Both are very easy to make if you have the ingredients. I used to make my own yogurt, even Greek style yogurt, before I eliminated dairy from my diet a few months before this program. You just add some culture to some warm milk, let it set in a warm place for a few hours, and voila!

If you can get a carton of good yogurt, you can just use a couple of spoonfuls of the good yogurt to make a batch. To make it like Greek yogurt, you strain it through cheesecloth in the refrigerator for a few hours. Then you use a couple of spoonfuls of that yogurt to start the next batch. If you can't get a good starting yogurt there, you could order a culture online.

You probably know how to make bread. A bread machine makes it very easy. You could probably order one online and the ingredients as well if they are not available locally. Even cheese can be ordered online. It would probably be somewhat expensive, but your health is worth it.

I have only spent two weeks in Asia, but I was not able to adapt to the food. I always made fun of people who traveled from the United States to other countries and came home talking about eating at McDonald's in foreign lands where they had great food. But by the end of the two weeks, I went to a McDonald's in Hong Kong.

But then I had a manicurist from Asia who said the worst thing in American food was cheese. She could not imagine how we could eat something that smelled and tasted like that. When you think about it, it is a puzzle.

Stay strong and keep eating, Anna. Your fight is going to get easier and easier.

Carol

AnMu
AnMu's picture
My dear Carol, Yes, I am

My dear Carol,
Yes, I am making progress. :) This bloating is killing me, but I can handle. My bally still doesn't explode. :) But keep going.

Do you know you are smart? :))) This idea with making my own yoghurt is great. :)
There is only one sort of normal yoghurt, I can find here, who doesn't taste sweet, is not colorful and with some crazy stuff in it. Is expensive as it is imported. I can buy it and make my own yoghurt.
Luckily they have pure milk. :)
Milk products are so rare here and soooooo expensive here. As well as bread and coffee.

Breat...I can organize only if I order a machine from abroad.
Ovens are not available in China. Only if you make a special order, you get an oven. By default you will not find it in any kitchen as they don't use it at all for cooking.
But still difficult to find the proper ingredients.

Regarding eating at McDonalds and KFC....trust me....they are in the top of the preferences off all the expats I know from here.
And it is not a joke. In Europe I was not used to step in such restaurants. Here you search them...like..they are 5 star restaurants.
Is very hard to ge used with these different tastes. Too sweet(the only few sorts of bread you can find here are very sweet, like a cake), too spicy, too salty.

And they eat incredible much. Incredible!!! They are talking all day long about the food. Huge restaurants are always full.
Is in their culture to socialize and to go for lunch or dinner.
If you ask them what are they hobbies: eating, sleeping and watching movies are the top 3 hobbies.
I have such a hard time here...with my bulimia.
And that style...to order all the menu and to eat from each and every plate...is killing.
Honestly...I have the feeling all the people from here are binging....and purging...taking into account how wften you see this on the streets. An now because it is winter it is horrible, because the vomit is getting frozen and you see this everywhere.

At least for a while, I will decline all the invitations for dinner.
Till I will be able to control myself and not to get mad, when I see the food on the table.

Thank you from all my heart for encouraging me, understanding me and giving me advices and solutions to my problems.. Means sooo much for me.
Anna

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
Anna Here is where you can

Anna

Here is where you can get a bread machine and flour and yeast and ship to China:

http://www.aliexpress.com/w/wholesale-bread-maker.html

http://www.aliexpress.com/w/wholesale-bread-flour.html

granny goat
granny goat's picture
Anna, I was wrong about

Anna, I was wrong about aliexpress.com. I contacted their help line, and they said they cannot ship to mainland China.

Here is another source

http://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=596188

Amazon.com appears to ship to China, and they carry bread machines and flour and yeast too.

This is making me want to get out my bread machine and bake a loaf. I had put it away during my strict elimination diet.

Carol

AnMu
AnMu's picture
Thank you sooo much for the

Thank you sooo much for the link(s).
Will search this possibility.

Huh...nearly one week without B&P. I feel a little stronger and less dizzy.
Tomorrow I will celebrate with a great Mocca coffee, winter edition, from Starbucks. I diserve a good coffee with cream. :)

If you will get out your machine bread, think twice. If you think you are strong enough to resit to the wonderful smell of the fresh baked bred, do it. If don't let it there, till you will have those days when thinking to binge is not an option.
I am not sure about myself if I can handle with those triggering smells. Also some food smells have a trigger effect against me, not only seeing the food.

Unfortunatelly I personally I still have my wild dog in my head(that funny comparition from the book :) ) and is testing me. I surprise myself often thinking....what if, if I would binge. But not because I feel hungry, because of searching the possibility to get that "high spirit"(like drug addicted)
I explore myself in those moments how I feel...and luckily, because I feel my stomach most of the time full(and bloated) till my neck, I don't feel the need to do it.

The most dangerous time to binge on food is during the evening, when coming back from the office.
But my trick with a hot shower is workig. it makes me to feel sooo relaxed and then I can eat normally my dinner.
Funny is, yesterday...I was thinking the whole afternoon about how good would be to take a hot shower and to get that pleasant relaxation....and not to binge on food, like I was used to do( I used to plan my binges).

And...after one week of eating normally, I didnt get fat and exploded, like my dark thought determined to think.
My nightmare in the past was...if I start eating without binging, I will get immediatelly very fat.
Well..I still can wear the same pants like last week and my belly except the fact is bloated and it hurts still has the same size.

I am very sure for you is the same.

Wish you another succesfull day in recovery. Take care by you and many hugs from the frozen China.

AnMu

granny goat
granny goat's picture
I am feeling very strong as

I am feeling very strong as long as I do the SE. Food shopping was always a big trigger for me. I could never go to the Whole Foods store without buying some of their desserts and bingeing on them. And they always have many samples, and I always eat all of them. They bake breads there and pizza and have hot soups cooking, but I was not tempted by all the food smells. I did buy one cookie and ate it like a normal person with a cup of coffee and thought no more about eating. I was just very satisfied with what I had eaten before I got there and with my one cookie.

I'm really glad the showers are working for you. I am fortunate now that I don't have to go to work and deal with all the stresses that brings. This period in my life has the least stress I have had for many decades. I am sorry my mother died and I miss her, but since I don't have that responsibility 24/7, I am finally relaxing. That is why I am finally doing something about my bulimia.

I see that there is not just one bulimia mindset. We all have different ways of thinking and different reasons for what we do. We each have to get to know ourselves and apply the program with our own needs in mind. I am glad you are starting to think of enjoying your food. That is being normal. People are meant to eat and enjoy their food.

I think I can bake bread and eat it one slice at a time. Before when I was bingeing and purging, I really lost the feeling of being full. I would eat till whatever I was bingeing on was all gone. Now I notice I start feeling the fullness when I eat and even leave part of my food at times.

We have to be eating less overall without the bingeing. Even if you can vomit, you still retain much of the food and calories, plus the body gets a signal to send out insulin and that makes us gain weight. Structured eating will make us healthier in time. We must be patient.

I have a friend here in the U.S. now who is visiting from Northern China where she lives. She said it was below zero farenheit when she left last week and will be getting colder. It is not quite that cold here in the Midwest of the U.S., but it does get very cold in the winter.

Try to stay warm.

Carol

Jemima
Jemima's picture
HI Anna, Congratulations in

HI Anna,

Congratulations in seeking help for your bulima!! I can relate to how scared you are feeling when trying to hide your bulimia from everyone in your life. I think it's when you don't open up to anyone about it that it's easy to convince yourself that you are a crazy person and that no one could possibly be doing the crazy things that we have all done during a binge and purge cycle. It is so stressful keeping that secret.

I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend (now fiance) about it 2 years ago. He was very supportive, but didn't understand how I couldn't just stop. His advice was- next time you want to throw up, just do 10 push ups and won't want to after that. I didn't really find this helpful, because it was the binging I wanted to stop so that I didn't go into the purging in the first place! But I do find that in the few seconds where you can feel a BP coming on you CAN talk yourself out of it. I too find the BP very addictive, like a drug, even when I'm not hungry. I found visualising myself doing something fun or relaxing with my time I would have wasted doing the BP very helpful. If I even visualise myself binging it will make me want to do it.

I'm sorry you are lonely and had to go through so much (relationship breakdown, job problems) to get to this point. Please know that you are not a crazy person :) You sound like a very strong, independent, and hard working person so focus on all those achievements! No one if perfect from the inside, absolutely everyone has their own set of problems.

I know you are very afraid of getting a body shape like your mum ( I can relate to that also), but if you eat healthily (structured eating is a very healthy system- eating every 3 hours and eating meals balanced with carbs, protein and fats) and exercise moderately I can't imagine you would get a large belly :) Maybe look at all the wonderful personal attributes your mum has and try not to see the belly. Women around that age have different levels of hormones, so fat also gets deposited differently.

I think you are doing very well to have a hot, relaxing shower after work to help de-stress you. Stress sounds like a major trigger for you also, so if you challange yourself to find ways of relaxing every day and chasing new endorphin boosters I think that will really help :) Like challange yourself to half an hour of relaxed walking every day to help clear your mind and get into the moment. Or maybe 10 mins of meditation?

I really hope you find happiness in china! It sounds like a great place to find it :)

Jemima xxx

Jemima

granny goat
granny goat's picture
Hi Anna, I was just reading

Hi Anna,

I was just reading your post again, and I noticed what you said about what you see on the street there. That was a big part of my problem with eating in Hong Kong-- what I saw on the streets.

There were live creatures on trays waving at me with their claws. I couldn't eat them after seeing them that way, trying to escape.

There were people cutting the heads off of eels and draining them in the street, and then there were the substances on the sidewalks.

The open markets had a bad smell as well. I lost a lot of weight those two weeks.

And, yes, we noticed in Hong Kong and in Athens, it seemed that McDonald's was for the upper class. They were all dressed up and seemed to feel that they were in a very special place. It made us laugh, since many people in the U.S. feel that it is beneath them to eat at McDonald's.

Crazy world we live in!

Carol

AnMu
AnMu's picture
For my dear Carol, I am very

For my dear Carol,
I am very happy to hear you are feeling strong as you do the SE. And yes, I agree with you. It is a very healthy practice.
Also for me food is a big trigger. If I see food I still feel I lose a little my mind. I don't want to remember who many idiot things I have done. Trying to rememorate some of my binging episodes...these thoughts take my breath away and I feel I am dying instantly.
I managed this evening to go to Starbuck, order my favourite coffee and a sandwich and ate it in silance and trying to feel it.
Was a good feeling.
I am really sorry for your lost. I know how terrible can be. I lost nearly all my relatives in the past years. For my mother was terrible a time too, to take care by my grandmother, after a cerebral stroke. As you said, for many months my mom had the responsibility to take care 7/24 by her. I was next to her and I could see how difficult and challenging can be.

Maybe this is one of biggest problems of bulimic people. We always put others on the first place and take care by them. But we do not take care by us...and we do not listen to our needs.

Look like...the start is the same for all. Also what crazy stuff we managed to do because of our crazy bulimia and what bulimia made from us.
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER!!! No mental healthy person would do what I did with the food and for getting my food.
In recovery...looks like we have to find our way and to try to understand what our needs and to apply what it is the best for us.

Regarding the feeling of fullness...I feel full all the time..because of this bloating. When it will go away, probably I will experiment other feelings. Looking forward for that time.

With letting food in the plate....here in China is interesting. It is not polite to eat everything from the plate. That is a sign of you didn't get enough. If you finish everything, you will get more without being asked.
In RO is other way around. It is polite to finish everything.

Here is getting terrible cold. Today -15, but is not that bad. The whole January we do expect t get like -30 or -25.

And...good news...I could find Rhodiola Rosea root. I will prepare tea from it. It can be found here everywhere. thank you for the hint!

For my dear Jemima,
I kindly thank you for writing me, ecouraging me and supporting me.
I also read your story. So many similarities.
Let's support each other. Together we will be stronger.
Your advices are very good.
Here in China they practice very often...a so cold "smile meditation". Is some kind of yoga practice...You sit in that position, close the eyes and smile. Try to smile with all your body and to relax it.

Many greetings to both of you.
Anna

AnMu

Jemima
Jemima's picture
HI Anna, I like that idea of

HI Anna,

I like that idea of smile meditation! I will give it a try :) I hope you are doing well xx

Jemima

Jemima

AnMu
AnMu's picture
Hi Jemima, I also wanna try

Hi Jemima,
I also wanna try it. It has to be a nice practice.
I searched a bit about it on the Internet. Is an easy technique to put in practice.

I am so happy, as I will be in holiday for 2 weeks. :) Finally free time to do what I want, when I want.
I am determined to take care by me these 2 weeks.
I take the fact that I am currently alone as an advantage. Nobody to disturb me and not necessarily to care by others.
Is not very pleasant to be alone, but now I am thinking that I always wanted to have some weeks only for me and to concentrate to my recovery.
I will try to fill my time only with pleasant things: swimming, long walks across the river, this smile meditation, sauna, clean my house, learn german(I need to improve it), sport(thinking to start jumping the cord - chinese adore to do this), massage.
I decided to stay at home and to organize my Wellness holiday around the house. Travelling alone is a source of stress and I cannot properly relax.
I am doing fine.
At the end of my first week of SE I managed to have 5 perfect days and 2 of them when I managed to slip a little during the evening. But overall I am content. I do not expect from me to have a perfect and clean recovery after 19 years of restricting, B&P nearly every day and using the food as a drug.
Still bloated, I have stomachaches sometimes...but I repeat to myself it is absolutely normal.
And this morning I weighted myself(i avoided the whole past week to do this). My fear that I would gain weight was not founded. Lost 200 gr. But this means nothing.
Was a confirmation the bulimia didn't help me to lose weight. Eating normally looks like I managed to eat less than what it was left in my body as a result of the B&P episodes.

I hope you arebdoing fine too.
Warm greetings,
Anna

At the end

AnMu

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