I am new to bulimiahelp and I am having a really difficult time...

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Thalelia
Thalelia's picture
I am new to bulimiahelp and I am having a really difficult time...

Dear friends and fellow fighters

I don't know what I expect from you, if I expect anything. What I would like to say is just that I am having a really difficult time right now. About two weeks ago, me and my boyfriend (for 6 1/2 years) ended our relationship. He just could not handle my eating disorder anymore, and I could not handle the constant terrible feeling of hurting him, of putting him through so much misery, so much hardship. I have moved to what is called, in Norwegian (yes, I am Norwegian), a "bo-fellesskap", i.e. I live in a 25 square metre room and share a bathroom and a kitchen with four other people. The reason why I decided to live like this was because I thought it might decrease my overeating and purging. Unfortunately, that has not really happened. I still b/p every day and I have huge difficulties concentrating at work. So many people around me tell me I should just go on AAP (that is a kind of social service in Norway), but I really do not want to. Doing so means my earnings would be seriously reduced and I would feel like I do not serve my country. I have a PhD i sociology and I should be able to get myself together, but I can't. I find myself getting more and more anxious, more scared of going to work and socializing with my colleagues (who are, by the way, nothing but supportive and encourageing) (although I have not told them really what is wrong with me, except that I have an eating disorder, but they can already see that because of my low weight). My psychiatrist tell me that if I continue with what I am doing, I will die. She said something like "Whether you die tomorrow or in 6 months I do not know, but unless you start eating and stop purging, you won't live very long". When she said this I was still in a relationship, and I thought she was just trying to scare me. However, the way things are going now I actually believe her. I have a history of self harm, as well as anorexia and bulimia (as of now I am so called atypical anorexic, because I am underweight, but I binge and purge every day), and I find my thoughts are becoming more dark and murky every day. I just...I really don't know what to do. Whether to go on sick leave again, which will have me on AAP in no-time, and thus seriously cutting down on my income. Wheter to eat. Whether to starve. Wheter to purge. Wheter to harm myself. How is it even possible to have a mind like this. I am not all stupid. In a way I know that. But I feel so stupid. And weak. And scared. Please tell me that there is a way out of this hellish place. Please tell me that I can have a happy life. Please, please, tell me that this too will pass...

With love, Thalelia

Ashleysb
Ashleysb's picture
If you really want to recover

If you really want to recover then yes, this too shall pass... But it will not be easy at all and you will gain weight and you will have to eat. That won't be a horrible thing forever though when you eat carbohydrates, fats and protein it gives your body and brain more life and eventually it will put your mind at ease. One huge thing that you should put a lot of thought into is coping with gaining weight and finding healthy ways to deal with it. (every time I went up a size I would splurge and buy myself some new outfit so that I would be more excited about new clothes than my weight). I was very underweight too so underweight that when I look at the one picture I have of myself during that time I cry and cringe I truly look like death. (I don't mean that in a bad way towards you! that is just how I saw myself at the time) I remember feeling like the most horrible person in the whole world and that I deserved nothing more than that horrible trap, but that's not true! I am now a few more sizes up I feel fat sometimes when my stomach bloats up but I'm not fat! that at all I feel good in a dress actually I feel better in a dress because I filled out in all the right places! I also found out that now that I am a normal weight if I don't binge and purge I lost some weight around my belly! I am so much happier now I truely am! I don't know how to tell you all the ways I am happier but if you commit to a week or a month doing structured eating and not purging you will remember that there is more to life than this and you can do it! I almost broke up with my boyfriend recently because I was relapsing so bad I just wanted to push him away and felt so guilty but he wouldn't go... I'm glad of course but it almost made it hurt worse that I put him through hell and he still wont go. It taught me not to be tough because being tough usually means your hiding your problems which doesn't help. I feel like just by your blog your a lot like me in recovery you should read this book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It is not about bulimia recovery it's about life and how people think they have to be perfect to be worthy and she basically explains how that is not true in a way that makes sense without being sappy!
Any ways things will get better with some hard work and you can do this because you want to contribute to your community and you can't do it if you keep on this way ( I am not trying to scare you just motivation!) Have a great day! I hope this was helpful

sjksus
sjksus's picture
Welcome. Sorry you're at

Welcome. Sorry you're at such a low point. I did the very thing you're taking about!...moved in with other people thinking it would somehow make me stop my crazy behavior if I knew others might find out. Unfortunately, it didn't stop my b/p and just made me get way better at hiding what I was doing. I did some really gross (REALLY GROSS) things during that time in order to continue to feed the binge purge cycle I was so trapped in. I was a slave to anorexia for 2 years and bulimia for 16 years after that. The only thing that's given me true hope or lead me on the longest path of nourishing my mind/body, loving myself, and being b/p free is Bulimia Help Method. So, I believe, you've certainly taken a step in the right direction! Read the book and start following the steps as best you can. Be easy on yourself. Know that it will be really really rough for a while, but breaking the cycle is totally possible. You'll need plenty of time to rest and plenty of time to focus on recovery. A great distraction is just coming on here and reading through all the old blogs and forums. You'll learn a lot and you'll see so many people that have been as desperate as you are now who have moved on to much better places leaning on each other and applying he BHM tools. Good luck.

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