I binged and purged again and I thought things were really changing in a positive way

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giraffelaura's picture
I binged and purged again and I thought things were really changing in a positive way


I really thought I was making massive progress but it all feels like I have washed it away down the toilet today along with everything else.
When those urges come and I am not at home to be able to just stop, self soothe, distract (I was out after a meeting in town) I am so much more vulnerable to a binge so I go in all these shops and buy binge foods. I feel so disconnected, eating on the streets , bumping into people as I pass, I don't know who I am, I don't want to stop.

So now I feel all the days of rehydrating, giving my neck, glands, throat and stomach a break, allowing my natural gut bacteria to re-establish is all a complete waste because I have caused havoc on my body and it has to start the process all over again.

I hate this disorder, I hate me for doing this, for not being able to beat this. I hate my body, I hate how fat I am, I hate how I give into gluttony, greed, being seduced by such a primitive bodily pleasure.

I want this to go away! I have been trying so so hard.

Be still and know that I am God

Angel333's picture
I really do and can

I really do and can sympathise with you...being a Bulimic for coming up to 15 years now, the longest I went was 7 months b/p free...and I thought I was invincible, I though I had it in the bag. Then BOOM like that a huge b/p happened, almost unconsciously.
However just because we slip it doesn't mean we are not making progress. Firstly we WANT to recover. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to. I used to plan my binges, now they only happen on a whim...so that's progress. Its the instantaneous thing im working on but least im not planning out every detail of what/when and where I fueling my binges. Your not gluttonous at all. You have a disorder. which you will and can overcome as long as you carry on time and time again until you got it sussed,
You don't want this. Remember that. Go easy on yourself. Recognise where there is a problem and work at it.
You can do this if you really want it.
Just realise it wont happen overnight. You may relapse tie and time again. But the important thing is to keep going and never ever give up

'We are each of us angels with only one wing, so we can only fly by embracing each other'

natascha's picture
Laura, Please do something

Please do something nice for yourself,non food related.
Something simple and caring you like...
For me this is:
a nice hot shower,a walk at the beach, a friendly violencefree film,
playing an instrument,drinking ginger tea with honey, taking a warm water bottle,
playing with a dog, doing some very gentle yoga...
What do you like or love to do?
Maybe so you can find yourself back cause you are more than an eating disorder and deserve
selflove and selfrespect.



giraffelaura's picture
Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your comments.

I find doing something nice for myself really really hard because I actually hate myself.
I have no respect for myself and living with myself is a daily battle.

I will try though. Perhaps I will try and read more or watch more films that I could get lost in.

Be still and know that I am God

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