I am tired of life. I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. Food is the only thing I look forward to every day. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to help me. There is absolutely no part of my life that I am in control of.
I hate my work and am overwhelmed there. I was recently told that I am at the top of my pay scale (which really isn't that much) and I've only been there 4 years and there will be no more raises ever. Then I find out they are planning on renovating the office and with that comes me losing my office and moving to an open, cubicle shared with two other people. Sorry to cubicle people but I feel this is a total slap in the face. I expressed my concerns but nothing is going to change.
My husband, who is bipolar, has been renovating our house for 13 years. Parts are done and parts look like the house should be condemned and the rest looks like we should be on the hoaders show. I have given up on trying to clean or organize or anything. I hae taken holidays off work for a week at a time over the 13 years and cleaned and really it doesn't look any better. Imagine straightening up a condemned building, that's what it's like.
Him being bipolar is the other thing that just drags me right down to rock bottom. He is so mean to me and I just put up with it. I think of all this time I've wasted being with him. I gave up my wonderful happy (well, more than it is now) life for him to move and be with him and it has been a living hell. I went to an abuse intake counsellor last week and I start counselling this week but I'm really not holding out any hope. It will probably be all about him as usual and how I can adjust my life around him which is what I do now. I am so sick of him and being there to support him through all his crap and there is no one ever there to support me.
Throughout this my binging and purging and food is the only thing I can turn to for comfort. No one else knows about any of this and I would be so embarassed if my friends knew about the house and what my husband is really like and that I just put up with it. This is the most honest I've been about this situation. My health is really declining and I often wish I would die (I am not suicidal so don't worry about that) of something and then it would be all over.
Sorry to lay this all out there like and I really don't expect anyone to be able to help me with this but I thought maybe it would be good to get all this out there. Maybe tomorrow will be better.