I can't handle it anymore

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findingtherealme
findingtherealme's picture
I can't handle it anymore

I am tired of life. I feel like I am hitting rock bottom. Food is the only thing I look forward to every day. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to help me. There is absolutely no part of my life that I am in control of.

I hate my work and am overwhelmed there. I was recently told that I am at the top of my pay scale (which really isn't that much) and I've only been there 4 years and there will be no more raises ever. Then I find out they are planning on renovating the office and with that comes me losing my office and moving to an open, cubicle shared with two other people. Sorry to cubicle people but I feel this is a total slap in the face. I expressed my concerns but nothing is going to change.

My husband, who is bipolar, has been renovating our house for 13 years. Parts are done and parts look like the house should be condemned and the rest looks like we should be on the hoaders show. I have given up on trying to clean or organize or anything. I hae taken holidays off work for a week at a time over the 13 years and cleaned and really it doesn't look any better. Imagine straightening up a condemned building, that's what it's like.

Him being bipolar is the other thing that just drags me right down to rock bottom. He is so mean to me and I just put up with it. I think of all this time I've wasted being with him. I gave up my wonderful happy (well, more than it is now) life for him to move and be with him and it has been a living hell. I went to an abuse intake counsellor last week and I start counselling this week but I'm really not holding out any hope. It will probably be all about him as usual and how I can adjust my life around him which is what I do now. I am so sick of him and being there to support him through all his crap and there is no one ever there to support me.

Throughout this my binging and purging and food is the only thing I can turn to for comfort. No one else knows about any of this and I would be so embarassed if my friends knew about the house and what my husband is really like and that I just put up with it. This is the most honest I've been about this situation. My health is really declining and I often wish I would die (I am not suicidal so don't worry about that) of something and then it would be all over.

Sorry to lay this all out there like and I really don't expect anyone to be able to help me with this but I thought maybe it would be good to get all this out there. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

fiskdoodle
fiskdoodle's picture
I am so sorry you are having

I am so sorry you are having so many things to try to work through and then recover from b/p! You are definitely in a hard place right now but seeking abuse counseling for that has been a huge step in progress for one thing! It really sounds like you need to focus on your body and then the rest will come afterwards. If you don't heal the physical then there is nothing left to desire. You have to be healthy to want to overcome the rest of your obstacles. Your relationship with your husband doesn't sound good but maybe you should take the time you need to heal more importantly. I was about to tell my husband I needed to leave the house and stay somewhere by myself when I realized I needed to hit this head on. Thankfully finding this site has been a true blessing and it has not come to that. Unfortunately I have been the one not so kind in our marriage but I knew I had to heal my body and mind before I could address our relationship and improve it. I do wish you the best and please try to stay positive in all the struggles you are going through. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Are you in the US?

findingtherealme
findingtherealme's picture
Thank you fiskdoodle. I feel

Thank you fiskdoodle. I feel a little embarrassed for writing everything I did, but that is how I was feeling at the time. I just feel so overwhelmed and really don't know where to start dealing with everything that's going on. I like what you said about having to heal your body and mind first. Maybe that's what I need to focus on too. I will see what this new counsellor can help me with and go from there I guess. Thanks for your offer to message you. I appreciate that. I am not in the US. Thanks again for your response. You don't know how much it means and I wish you all the best in your recovery too! Hugs.

fiskdoodle
fiskdoodle's picture
I am glad I could respond

I am glad I could respond even if I have nothing useful info wise but an ear and support! Take care of yourself. And this board is here for those to vent! So vent your issues that keep bulimia in your life! Closing it all up is going to cause more and more and make you more of a shell of your former self. I see that so much now about myself. Please message any time as I am on here often at the moment for as long as I need to be.

Determined 86
Determined 86's picture
Hi there I saw your post and

Hi there

I saw your post and I think it's a really positive step that you were able to share that and sending your good thoughts for your recovery and everything you are dealing with. Be kind to yourself and I hope you can stay strong and any time you need support, always willing to lend an ear. Wish I could offer some words of wisdom but just know this is a great forum and you'll always having loving and supportive people here :)

Just be happy with yourself and its so simple to grow <3

Walker
Walker's picture
Hello Findingtherealme!! Im

Hello Findingtherealme!!

Im very sorry to hear your sadness. My advise to you would be that you need to be really sincere to yourself RIGHT NOW. What you describe with your husband is no game and you need to make your mind clear, is he really that bad? is the situation so unmanageable? do you really canĀ“t stand him? If the answer is yes then you need to be brave now and give a step forward. Living in a relationship you hate can be hell by itself, its normal that you dont find the strenght to work on your other problems. So if this is such a weight on your shoulders, get out of that relationship!! The world wont stop spinning and you will open the door for fresh, new and more convenient things. Im sorry if i sound too drastic but I know that we can sometimes let fear keep us from moving, and moving is sometimes the only way to go forward. Look into your heart and listen carefully, if you do what it says EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT.
Sending you a big hug and all my love!

Walker

Walker

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