i have put on so much weight, i binge, i purge, i cant find any real help i give up!!!!!!!!

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tilly
tilly's picture
i have put on so much weight, i binge, i purge, i cant find any real help i give up!!!!!!!!

does anyone just feel like they just want to give up! i looked at my life and thought why does every minute of every day have to be about the way look and how many pounds i have put on? cant i just enjoy my life??? well i havent felt this low in a long time...im overweight and i still binge and purge which is causing me to get heavier, i need help desperately! ive had to have 2 operations on my salivery glands because of all this shit and because i carried on with my bulimic life the operations didnt work...i wish i was someone else, i really would like to order the bulimia help course but my parents dont know im bulimic and to do that sort of thing in secret is impossible. i just want to sleep forever sometimes.......man im in a crap mood today lol sorry for moaning xx

Just_me
Just_me's picture
i rely on sleeping to help me

i rely on sleeping to help me get through the day, ive slept all day today. i put on so much weight because i have been beingeing like crazy and everytime i see a slender/fit girl in the magazine im always like wow i wud do anyting to look like her and then im like thinking anything but having a proper diet? i could probably kill a person but not eat unprocessed healthy food? this is crap this is so annoying, i want to live for the day not just get through the day being depressed and shit, i want to lose weight be fit and happy not moaing and messing up my life, im always thinking that what if today was my last day? i just spent it bingeing and watching tv and sleeping. i want to give up meaning i want to vomit but then i think about all the binges and think that the next time i stop i have to go throug this major binge sessions w/o vomiting again. sometimes i hate myself and just dont want to feel anything,

Velvet1
Velvet1's picture
I'm so sorry your feeling

I'm so sorry your feeling this way, i hate the feeling when i put on weight, after all, we're constantly trying to achieve this level of 'perfection' we've set for ourselves.

I've learnt that if i feel heavy, then find out i have put on weight by weighing myself, trying on my 'skinny' clothes it leads to a binge because of the stress i feel, which ultimately makes me heavier. So i've started to say to myself- 'OK, all this is going to take is time. If i want to lose weight it just takes times, there is no one day solution, but i can do this, it's just time.'

I don't think being a certain weight will ultimately make us happy, i know i didn't feel content when i was thinner either, but i think it's also important to address that feeling overweight can make the bulimic behavior spiral even more out of control.

Remember you're beautiful. Everything will be OK, it's just a matter of time =)

Nicola C
Nicola C's picture
Oh hun I wish I could give

Oh hun I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you how beautiful you are. I know how you feel when you say you wanna give up. fighting it so hard isn't it? Is there anyone that knows about your ED. You sound like you need support xxx

tilly
tilly's picture
my friends know about my ED

my friends know about my ED but none of them really understand and because i am a normal weight i dont even think they believe me! i think if i told my parents they wouldnt take it very well.....thats exactly how i feel just_me its kind of comforting to know im not the only person who feels lke that. i really appreciate you guys messaging me though because i feel a lot better today and i hope you are all staying strong and having a lovel day b/p free.....maybe i need to start taking my own advice more seriously because in fact you only live once, and i dont want to get to heaven or wherever and the big man say 'did you have a good life'? and me say 'welll threw my guts up most days, slept and obsessed about what i look like'...i would much rather say 'FUCK YEAH MY LIFE WAS AMAZING' ........hmmm i wll work on it! lots of love to all you lovely people xxxx

Rukia Kuchiki
Rukia Kuchiki's picture
:( aww don't feel so down,

:( aww don't feel so down, look i know how you feel, i used to feel horrible sometimes about my body, i felt so fat and disgusting but its just the bulimia making it worse, we start looking at ourselves different but as soon as you start recovery it'l get better. I had lost weight cuz of bulimia but i still felt so fat even though i was a stick (btw, it didn't look good), after a year i gained it all back and felt even worse, i finally stopped B/P and now i have gone down to the weight i wanted to be at. I did it thanks to exercise and better eating habits, i don't binge, just eat small portions and i exercise 4 or 5 days a week for at least 30 min or an hour. This has helped much more than bulimia, my body is healthy, my legs are toned and strong, my throat doesn't hurt and my tummy stopped being bloated. Try to stop the binges and it'l get easier not to want to purge, whenever you binge instead of purging go to the park for an hour and walk it off, drink more water before you eat so you can feel full faster and avoid any food that will trigger a b/p, i had to stop eating any kind of junk food cuz i couldn't help but purge. You don't have to avoid junk food forever, what i do is, if i do good for a whole week i treat myself to a small portion of that food i wanted, its easier not to binge when i'm around someone so whenever i'm gonna have that treat i do it with my bf. Have you told any one about your bulimia? Having someone to support you helps a lot, my bf has been making sure i don't B/P and it has helped a lot. Hope this helps a lil. Good luck and don't feel so down, from what i can see you're a very pretty girl :)

*Rukia-chan*

tilly
tilly's picture
thanks for the advice! i thin

thanks for the advice! i thin im gonna try my hardest to get back into excercise because i never b/p when i run...the reason i havent done any excercise recently is bcause im working in the south of france and it is scorching hot so difficult to do my daily run! but im back in england on sunday so i will try then..but thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me you have been very hepful...have a lovely day xxxxxxxx

sun43
sun43's picture
Hey everyone. I'm just using

Hey everyone. I'm just using this to rant currently, don't bother reading this...just need to vent. I run track and cross country for my college and have had two stress fractures in the past 6 months. The first was from running too much...I would binge the night before and then go for a run before practice started the next morning and then go to practice. The stress fracture put me out for 3 months, and now I've been out for another 2 months from this second stress fracture. I never used to eat my roommate's food, but now I am eating her food as a means to binge. I really, really hate myself right now. I have never stolen anything in my life. I am so fed up with this disorder. I AM SO ANGRY. I am embarrassed to be around my boyfriend because of the amount of weight that I have gained from bingeing and from being injured. I feel like this disorder is just never going to end. My other OCD symptoms just disappeared when I was younger...but this morphed version of OCD...this is not going away. And I am scared. I know that I need to be proactive and do something about it. But the urge is just so fucking strong. I know that I need to be stronger than it. That I have the power within me to fight this shit. I am so mad. I live a life in secret. I live a life where I hate myself while people around me assume that I am happy all of the time. I hate that I hate myself even while I am so lucky to be alive, to have a wonderful family, great friends, and live in a place where opportunity seems almost endless. This fucking disorder. I fucking hate you, bulimia.

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right."

summerlyn
summerlyn's picture
Wow!! I have never been on

Wow!! I have never been on this site before...but you sound like youre my twin. Everything you have said is exactly how i feel about my life. I waste every day worrying about what i look like or how much i weigh or what i eat that day. I have disappeared practically the last couple months. All i ever want to do is sleep and not think about how fat i am now compared to just last year. And when i get upset that im not losing the weight i just binge even more! How is that helping me?? i have pushed away everyone because i am so miserable now with who i am. I cant seem to enjoy anything anymore. Im too concerned with my looks. Why cant i be one of those people who doesnt care what they look like? i would like to wake up one day and live like that just to see what it feels like. I feel like if i died right now i would have nothing to show for myself. I keep trying but its so overwhelming and i end up bingeing anyway which makes me more depressed. It is somehow comforting though to hear someone talk the same way i do. Maybe like im not so psychotic? That others are going through this hell with me? How do i fix my life before its too late?

sun43
sun43's picture
I am so scared. I'm scared

I am so scared. I'm scared because I am not going to live around thousands of students my age for the rest of my life. Because one day, I am going to be living on my own and am going to need to learn how to keep food in my fridge without eating all of it. I am scared because I currently keep no food in my room because if I do, I will binge. I am scared because there is no way that I can maintain a relationship with my boyfriend if this disease if ever-present. I am scared because I do not want to have bulimia for 30 years. I am scared because I do not want to be posting the same shit to this forum in 30 years. I am scared because I do not want to be struggling with this shit for the rest of my life. I am so scared. I want to love life. I want to live in the moment. I want to start fresh. But if I don't take action, nothing is going to happen. I feel like a broken record on this site. I always post right after a binge. When I am feeling at the lowest of my lows. I am

"Don't wait. The time will never be just right."

lonelily_me
lonelily_me's picture
wow, such powerful posts! So

wow, such powerful posts! So much determination too, I love how sure everyone sounds that they truly want recovery, that they want what live REALLY has to offer! Because you're right life is so much more than what we do, so much more than weighing ourselves, eating, purging, hating our bodies. So much more.

Harry10
Harry10's picture
I feel like all of the posts

I feel like all of the posts were about me ! All of the above seem so real to me.
Thanks Rukia - your post is really helpful. Ive gained weight - 95 days purge free but still overeating about 1/2 a week.

However this morning, I have decided to change all of it. Not beat myself up if I do overeat slightly but more importantly I have decided quite simply not to overeat.

I also love exercise and not just from a weight perspective - I really love the feel good factor and getting and feeling fitter. So I am going to concentrate more on getting fit and drinking lots of water than on overeating.

I want to lose the extra weight I have gained but I REALLY want to lose it the "normal" way. A little each week.

I hope this works out for me. I hope everyone can find a true happiness. I hope this happiness is not determined by numbers on a scale.

Harry :)

aimzmarie
aimzmarie's picture
Nicely said Harry, think I'm

Nicely said Harry, think I'm in th exact position as you - however I have been exercising all last week and this - and even though I have had a few binges, i can feel a difference in my body. And that is not motivating me. HOWEVER, please, please, please do not freak out if you out weight on first. I made the mistake of weighing myself after my workout to find I'm heavier (think you are anyway after a workout).
I had to stop myself from getting into a panic as at the gym, my trainer is measuring me too which shows progress better than weight - as muscle weighs much more than fat - just remember that - I've been sitting at a certain weight for a while now and now have found it has gone up - not down - which really upset me. But take out the binges and I'm sure it will make a difference. Its a slow process. Just remember that.
Well done everyone. We are doing much better than we think. Otherwise, we wouldn't be on here!!! x

aimzmarie
aimzmarie's picture
SORRY - its meant to say it

SORRY - its meant to say it IS motivating me!!! TYPO!!

nothinghelps
nothinghelps's picture
don’t say ‘dont bother

don’t say ‘dont bother reading this”... Im so glad i read it! your struggles are OUR struggles. A lot of people here will think, feeel and do things you do. It’s all part of this thing we are suffering from. it Changes us! And together, we are here to help. Where will you be living with students? is it a mission trip thing, or college? I’m currently in college and can undersatnd the fear that comes with a lot of people around....
BUT -I’ve noticed always having someone around is GREAT for me, because I can’t binge/purge.. so really, it’s helping me... but MIA HATES IT!

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