I have fallen again. Everyday, I wake up with 2 mindsets. One is that I wonder how long and hope i can go a while before having to binge and the other is I can't wait to start eating unsightly amounts of foods. I can pause and say to myself that I am going to try to eat a normal breakfast. But I know in the back of my mind that I willl continue eating and it never shuts off that place in my brain that says I'm satisfied. So It's a battle everyday, and I don't even know why. I like foods that are good for me. I like foods that I don't feel the need to purge. But---I crave other foods and can't stop eating until I've put them into my mouth, which then means I will purge. And I know the theory of making it so that no foods are forbidden, but I just want a LOT once I started tasting my pleasure fillers. No amount of a reasonable amount will do. I have to keep going until my body says, "WTF, now you will feel like crap, and your only choice to feel better is vomiting."
I know, the fact that I'm writing this means I have a desire in me somewhere to recover. But I can compare it to watching workout videos instead of doing them for those that want to lose weight. It's just a step, and if I don't commit my whole self to the act of recovery, it doesn't work. And then I come back to my good old desire. I want to have a life that is better than the one I have now. But in the moment of stuffing myself silly with everything I love, life feels pretty good (and horrible) all at the same time. But it also feels better than not doing it, even though I know that's a lie. So how do you maintain the desire to not eat the foods that trigger you? How do you maintain the desire to not just give in bc it feels easier? Ugh I hate admitting I'm weak.