I keep wishing and thinking that the wish will come true without having to take action

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ason
ason's picture
I keep wishing and thinking that the wish will come true without having to take action

I have fallen again. Everyday, I wake up with 2 mindsets. One is that I wonder how long and hope i can go a while before having to binge and the other is I can't wait to start eating unsightly amounts of foods. I can pause and say to myself that I am going to try to eat a normal breakfast. But I know in the back of my mind that I willl continue eating and it never shuts off that place in my brain that says I'm satisfied. So It's a battle everyday, and I don't even know why. I like foods that are good for me. I like foods that I don't feel the need to purge. But---I crave other foods and can't stop eating until I've put them into my mouth, which then means I will purge. And I know the theory of making it so that no foods are forbidden, but I just want a LOT once I started tasting my pleasure fillers. No amount of a reasonable amount will do. I have to keep going until my body says, "WTF, now you will feel like crap, and your only choice to feel better is vomiting."
I know, the fact that I'm writing this means I have a desire in me somewhere to recover. But I can compare it to watching workout videos instead of doing them for those that want to lose weight. It's just a step, and if I don't commit my whole self to the act of recovery, it doesn't work. And then I come back to my good old desire. I want to have a life that is better than the one I have now. But in the moment of stuffing myself silly with everything I love, life feels pretty good (and horrible) all at the same time. But it also feels better than not doing it, even though I know that's a lie. So how do you maintain the desire to not eat the foods that trigger you? How do you maintain the desire to not just give in bc it feels easier? Ugh I hate admitting I'm weak.

saraj115
saraj115's picture
I know what you're going

I know what you're going thru. I was there for many years. And I still struggle but a couple things really helped me change my thinking about the disease and how and why we got this way. The "Brain Over Binge" book was truly mind-changing for me. And of course the BHM book you can download from this site. I'm sure you've seen all that information explaining how we have to feed our bodies correctly to come out of this and the structured eating really helps. Its a long process and you have to keep trying to find what works best for you. Are you doing structured eating at all?? Have you read "Brain Over Binge?" Such a great book - helped me A LOT!!

Sara J

somethingblooming
somethingblooming's picture
You aren't weak! We've all

You aren't weak!

We've all been there and felt like it would never change. It will!

My first advice would be: even if you binge, don't purge. I know its so so so hard not to do it - but if you purge it keeps you in a malnourished and semi-starved state and fuels the cycle of binge urges. Also - it just makes you feel bloated the next day and doesn't really get rid of any calories.

My second advice would be: if you're doing structured eating - maybe you need to increase the frequency of you meals. I had to do that early in recovery - it was the only way I could get through the day at first! Maybe you need to eat every 2 hours? Maybe you need to eat a bigger breakfast so you feel more satisfied? Eventually your appetite settles down and you might make it every 3 hours. Structured eating is the best way to get rid of binge urges - it does take a bit of time though and I noticed that each time I was still bingeing it was because I needed to add more food earlier in the day.

with the foods that trigger you - maybe don't keep all of them in the house at first. I started by having one that I would eat every day, and if I didn't feel satisfied i would say - okay I will have it again at my next snack that same day. Start slow with trigger foods and eventually just work your way through them having them every day once or twice and they will eventually lose their power.

All of these strong cravings and desires are a totally normal part of this eating disorder and they do go away as you start to feed your body and let it trust you again.

You can do this! If you need any support please don't hesitate to contact me! xxxx Michal

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.”

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