I need help

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Zahara's picture
I need help

I need help getting through the first few days. I don't know where to start and after the mothers day party thrown at my house we have treats and food at home, yet I still want to stop and get "binge" foods I crave at the grocery store that happens to be right across the street. My mind keeps telling me to go to the store after work, then go home, I already know what is going to happen and I know right now it sounds great of course, then I know the after math is going to leave me angry, upset, and ashamed.
I should clean my room, but that will only consume an hour or so of time. I can only write so much, read so much, take so many baths, etc throughout my weeks, It doesn't satisfy me anymore and I don't know what do do :(

I think I'm just lost, loosing hope, and I'm scared.

Rose16841's picture
Hey!! The first few days are

Hey!! The first few days are really tough and it's hard to know where to begin. As great as distractions can be, I think sometimes we need to learn to sit and settle with our urges by actually acknowledging them. For me meditation was really useful at the beginning (sounds wierd but it really worked!) When you have an urge try and find a quite place to sit and acknowledge what is happening....then repeat a positive affirmation, something like "I am calm and in control"....take a couple of deep breaths and repeat the affirmation again. I find it helps to settle that panicking feeling and get your thoughts back together and a bit more rational.
Also try keeping a journal and set yourself goals for the day, week, month etc....it helps you to focus. I also just find writing things down helps me to rationalise my thoughts and feelings sometimes.....
I hope that helps a bit....remember that recovery is full of ups and downs....it's a gradual process so be kind to yourself and celebrate the victories as small as they may seem, because it's the little things that make the big changes :)

Zahara's picture
Thank you so much and it is

Thank you so much and it is exactly what I needed. I really try to do meditation, I love it actually, but sometimes I can't get myself to actually do it when I have urges. That needs to stop though because I'm not using it to its full advantage and I've heard from many people that meditation helps them. I think I will set goals, do you have any suggestions on goals that kept you motivated to stick to them?

Is that a silly question? haha, I hope not!

ElsieSoproni's picture
At the beginning it helped me

At the beginning it helped me to keep a chart of how many times I messed up in a day. I also tracked whether I went to bed/got up on time and it really helped me see patterns and be motivated to get those zeros! And my thoughts were far too distressed and scattered to meditate on my own at first, so I used the audios. They are such a wonderful tool.

Rose16841's picture
Haha not a silly question :)

Haha not a silly question :) um so some were goals focused on recovery and some were just general goals. So recovery goals included:
1) cutting down on caffeine (I would always replace meals and snacks with coffee, so I decided that I would set a cap on how much I could have in a day).... haha I am flicking through my journal and one goal was to not go to Starbucks for a week LOL....I'm a bit addicted to Starbucks!
2) decide on a safe breakfast option and commit to eating it every morning. I would always try and skip breakfast if possible, and def did not commit to SE properly at the beginning because I found it really daunting. I decided I needed to commit to one proper meal a day to begin with and build it up from there. I wrote a list of options I could have which I would enjoy and not freak out about and committed to following through. Once I had got hold of breakfast I could then move on to lunch and finally dinner.
3) go for a walk in the evening (I found the evenings really difficult and would get really agitated if in the house and experiencing urges etc....I found going for a walk helped to calm me down and there was no option of bingeing)

General goals included getting assignments etc done for uni, going for a run or swim, organising a social with friends etc.

I also found positive affirmations and quotes really useful at the beginning of recovery, and still use them now. Each day I would write down an affirmation or motivational quote in my journal and I would use that when meditating or when feeling a bit vulnerable. For example after a relapse I would repeat this to myself: "Ok, so you had a bad day. Dont beat yourself up about it. Dont let one bad decision send you spiralling out of control. Get back to making decisions that improve your health and happiness. You are who you choose to be!".....I also found that after a relapse it was REALLY helpful to write down what went wrong and why and how I can avoid that in the future. So for me, I found that my binges usually happened when my housemates went up to bed and I was left downstairs watching TV or something. I quickly learnt to go upstairs and chill in my room instead when my housemates went up to bed. Didn't always work but recognising the pattern and actively doing something about it was a step in the right direction.

Sorry that was really long, not sure if that's the kinda thing you were looking for!! Hope you're having a good day in recovery!


Zahara's picture
Don't be sorry at all! That

Don't be sorry at all! That was wonderful! Both replies! Elsie, I think ill give that a try, make a chart, put it on my wall or mirror and have it be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed! Thank you! and Rose, I think thats something I really have to do, esp at night. Make myself go on a walk (and its a shame, I love walks and nature, but my bulimia makes me not want to do it, I shouldn't say that, it just makes me unmotivated really) night is the worst for me, once evening starts arriving I get really anxious and nervous, knowing my urges are approaching at their worst! Esp if I've been putting off a binge all day! But maybe a walk will help to clear my head, and in the long run, maybe that can become a habit instead of binging. I also want to try the quote exercise! I do love inspirational quotes but I don't use them enough to my advantage.

I listened to a great audio one day and it said "imagine yourself at the beach, on this beach there is a bench, and on that bench is the person you want to be, the person you try to purse.. who is that person is on the bench and how can you become them?" When I heard it I imagined myself recovered, recovered, happy, and free. I still think about it sometimes, and somedays it really helps keep my mind occupied. It was a great listen!

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