I never feel full

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MsPrevail
MsPrevail's picture
I never feel full

I'd love to know if any other sufferers of bulimia can relate to this. I have been searching the internet for literally YEARS trying to find someone, anyone who understands or can relate to what I'm going through. I've even e-mailed medical experts on Gastroenterology and Endocrinology at top universities and other organizations to see if they can help, but I've never gotten a response; they probably think I'm some crazy nut-job in need of a Psychiatrist rather than a medical doctor! And yes, I do have a psychiatrist ;)

So I reach out once again....

I have been bulimic and anorexic for more than 30 years, with my weight spanning from the top end of medical associations' "normal" range, to practically skin and bones. When I binge, I'm not just talking about consuming a normal meal or snack, and then calling it a "binge", I am talking about the 10,000 + calorie binges, consumed all in one sitting. (Sorry if this is triggering to some of you, but I MUST use numbers to properly explain myself. Please understand this post is very important and serious to me, so you can always skip to the next topic if you wish.)

After a short time of purging as a teen, I came to be very efficient at ridding myself of my stomach contents. It didn't matter how large or small of quantities I consumed, I was able to throw up without any use of my hands or ramming of objects down my throat - it became an automatic response to eating or drinking anything.

As many of you know, the purging part of our disease becomes very addictive in itself, so for me, my goal was always to achieve a "satisfying" and "successful" PURGE, and not so much the "elation" of eating all the food I wanted (ie: The Binge). But as the years went by, I had to eat more and more, and MORE food in order to be able to purge anything. And here's the scary part that I don't understand: I don't EVER feel like I have anything in my stomach! It's like I don't even have a stomach any more; it feels like it goes straight down into my intestines, and my belly area doesn't even protrude, but my LOWER abdomen does instead.

The only way I know I've eaten something is by the eventual sensation of having to have a bowel movement. Like I said, there's no stomach discomfort or feelings of fullness. I do, however, experience SEVERE pain in my intestines, but I never experience any diarrhea with these episodes. (I rarely use/abuse lax, by the way.) Going #2 can be extremely painful, but that is relieved once it's done/out. And then afterwards, I am able to throw up a wee bit of my binge, but usually only a cup or two's worth, and by then it's already pretty much liquified contents. So this tells me I DO have a stomach, yay, but why I never feel like there's anything in it is beyond me.

I feel like I've just poured out my very soul here. I have a feeling people will tell me that super structured eating will help correct my problem in time, but I can tell you first hand that it doesn't. I've been in long term IP many times where structured eating plans are emphasized, and I've still never achieved any satiety signals. Oh, and I must add one more thing here: I also never experience hunger pains in the stomach. The only way I know I'm "hungry" is when I'm damn near passing out, which I guess means I'm actually starving by that point :(

Any thoughts, ideas, relatable stories on this topic would be greatly appreciated!
<3

No pot of gold exists beneath my bathroom scale!

simply me
simply me's picture
I have EXACTLY the same

I have EXACTLY the same experience ...I've been bulimic for about 28 years now.
Seriously, I could have easily written the exact words that you've written above ...haven't had to use fingers to cause a purge since my earliest purging days as a teen ...and I don't feel fullness nor emptiness AT ALL ...and, yes, it's as if I don't have a stomach at all.

Over the course of the last 3 years, I've had every type of GI Tract structure & functionality test done and have been told by specialists that "everything is picture perfect & is in perfect working order" -with the exception of a mild case of GERD (which only acts up if I'm NOT purging).

You're not alone in this.

...all intended with hugs from simply me :-)

sanjogkaur
sanjogkaur's picture
Hey girls! Well, I'm not sure

Hey girls!

Well, I'm not sure if it helps, but I used to have a similar experience when I started recovery. It was always surprising to see how I could eat an entire cake on my own and don't feel full! That's why I could keep eating so much.

However, when I started recovery things stated to change. Now I have fewer binges and when I have a binge it's more like overrating than a binge...like eating two packs of cookies instead of one. And I know I overrate not because I was supposed to only eat one pack but because I'm actually full!!

It took me a while to get there...I'm talking about two years of recovery and structured eating...and I still have a long way to go.

We have to be so so so so patient! All the healers I've worked with remind me always that everything in the body can be fixed. The capacity of our bodies I regenerate is really amazing, but we have to give it time. I trust that if you keep up with recovery you will eventually regain your ability to feel hunger and fullness like any other person.

Also, it helped me and still helps me a lot to sit after a meal and FEEL! Sometimes when I'm just finished eating I still fill "empty", but it's only my brain's sensation and lack of connection with my body, and I know this because if I sit and breath after a meal and try to connect with my stomach for a few minutes, I'm able to fill my body digesting and feel that I'm full, that he food is there.

I guess bulimia causes this weird disconnection between our mind and our body...the mind wants to think its nt enough, never enough and wants more and more and more, and causes the body to stop feeling. But he body is alive and working anyway. If we breath and feel we build a bridge between them so that they work together.

That is my experience.

Hope it helps!

Natalia

MsPrevail
MsPrevail's picture
Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your response. I suppose all our experiences are a little different, as is our recovery journey. Natalia, you've just given me hope that maybe things CAN normalize with dedication and patience over time. xox

No pot of gold exists beneath my bathroom scale!

Angel333
Angel333's picture
Natalia - that comment you

Natalia - that comment you made there about our brains and body not working in sync with each other due to the many years of separating it because of our Bulimia...has really made me think. That is so true. Its my mind that's wants more and more and is never satisfied. However if I listen to my body...well I have just finished my breakfast and my belly feel comfortably full and certainly has enough in it to keep it in good working order until my morning snack.
Its little comments like that, ones that may not have any meaning to anyone else or the person who wrote it - those are the ones that can make all the difference to someone's recovery, a little tool to make me think every time I want more...does my body want more? does my mind want more?? I feel I need to work on getting my mind and body back into sync with each other. Not only food wise, but exercise wise as well. Does my body want to exercise or does my mind want to exercise? Its defiantly about time I started to listen to my body more!

'We are each of us angels with only one wing, so we can only fly by embracing each other'

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