I'd love to know if any other sufferers of bulimia can relate to this. I have been searching the internet for literally YEARS trying to find someone, anyone who understands or can relate to what I'm going through. I've even e-mailed medical experts on Gastroenterology and Endocrinology at top universities and other organizations to see if they can help, but I've never gotten a response; they probably think I'm some crazy nut-job in need of a Psychiatrist rather than a medical doctor! And yes, I do have a psychiatrist ;)
So I reach out once again....
I have been bulimic and anorexic for more than 30 years, with my weight spanning from the top end of medical associations' "normal" range, to practically skin and bones. When I binge, I'm not just talking about consuming a normal meal or snack, and then calling it a "binge", I am talking about the 10,000 + calorie binges, consumed all in one sitting. (Sorry if this is triggering to some of you, but I MUST use numbers to properly explain myself. Please understand this post is very important and serious to me, so you can always skip to the next topic if you wish.)
After a short time of purging as a teen, I came to be very efficient at ridding myself of my stomach contents. It didn't matter how large or small of quantities I consumed, I was able to throw up without any use of my hands or ramming of objects down my throat - it became an automatic response to eating or drinking anything.
As many of you know, the purging part of our disease becomes very addictive in itself, so for me, my goal was always to achieve a "satisfying" and "successful" PURGE, and not so much the "elation" of eating all the food I wanted (ie: The Binge). But as the years went by, I had to eat more and more, and MORE food in order to be able to purge anything. And here's the scary part that I don't understand: I don't EVER feel like I have anything in my stomach! It's like I don't even have a stomach any more; it feels like it goes straight down into my intestines, and my belly area doesn't even protrude, but my LOWER abdomen does instead.
The only way I know I've eaten something is by the eventual sensation of having to have a bowel movement. Like I said, there's no stomach discomfort or feelings of fullness. I do, however, experience SEVERE pain in my intestines, but I never experience any diarrhea with these episodes. (I rarely use/abuse lax, by the way.) Going #2 can be extremely painful, but that is relieved once it's done/out. And then afterwards, I am able to throw up a wee bit of my binge, but usually only a cup or two's worth, and by then it's already pretty much liquified contents. So this tells me I DO have a stomach, yay, but why I never feel like there's anything in it is beyond me.
I feel like I've just poured out my very soul here. I have a feeling people will tell me that super structured eating will help correct my problem in time, but I can tell you first hand that it doesn't. I've been in long term IP many times where structured eating plans are emphasized, and I've still never achieved any satiety signals. Oh, and I must add one more thing here: I also never experience hunger pains in the stomach. The only way I know I'm "hungry" is when I'm damn near passing out, which I guess means I'm actually starving by that point :(
Any thoughts, ideas, relatable stories on this topic would be greatly appreciated!