I'm So Sick of This...

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DementedSweetheart
DementedSweetheart's picture
I'm So Sick of This...

Okay, so I'm a senior. As you already know, that means I'm graduating in less than a year and then I will go off to college. Obvious, right? but apparently I was not so aware of this. I have 'put off' recovery for practically two years for various reasons, the main of which is I just can't seem to break the cycle. Every time I have conviction to stop, the next day my eating disorder tricks me into behaviors again, because I feel I 'need it' to survive or whatever. Obviously I'm working with a time constraint to get stable, but that isn't all, recently I've been 'falling apart' so to speak. I have horrible fatigue, stomach pain, mood disturbances, trouble concentrating, paranoia, depression, anxiety, occasional breathing issues, dizziness, loss of sensation in my limbs and inability to participate in moderate physical activity. I NEED to stop IMMDEIATELY... but I just don't know how! Because of school and finances (my insurance does not cover eating disorders AT ALL) I can't seek more intensive treatment, so what do I do? I know this is pathetic but I feel like I just CAN'T stop. And with my considerations of going pre-med next year I need all the recovery behind me I can get. Please, if anyone has ANY tips or suggestions to help me stop myself, don't hesitate to respond. I feel like Alice, falling down the rabbit hole with no end in sight :((

Deirdre611
Deirdre611's picture
Hi there :) I've been there.

Hi there :)
I've been there. I have had bulimia for 13 years, since I was 13 years old. I remember the anxiety of graduating high school and where/what I was going to do afterwards. I put recovery off, thinking "I'm too stressed now-I'm not ready for recovery because there's too much going on right now". My eating disorder kept me from becoming a doctor, because my GPA in college was so bad because of my inability to focus and concentrate. Also, I felt like I was becoming senile! Seriously, bulimia causes forgetfulness. So those times when sit down and study and you finally find yourself able to (miraculously) focus... you forget every damn thing you just read the next day.
Don't put recovery off-it will end up costing you a lot more money than if you go for treatment as InPatient.

Here are my suggestions if you haven't already done them:
1.) Tell somebody! Do your parents know? How about a friend you can trust to help you, and eat with you? When I was struggling to eat anything after I got out of the hospital in high school, I ate in the nurses' office. They knew I had an eating disorder and kept it confidential. They also talked with me during lunch, and encouraged me to take "just a few more bites". The peacefulness in that nurses' office made me feel safe and "gave me permission" to eat, so to speak.

2.) Listen to your body. If you are noticing something's not right (breathing, heart palpitations, dizzyness, seeing spots, etc) GO TO A DOCTOR. Tell them to take a blood sample. This saved my life before. You said your insurance doesn't cover EDO's, but they WILL cover a medical emergency if (God forbid) you have one.

3.) Before each meal, find a quiet space. Breathe in and out while focusing and listening to your breath, in and out. Then when you go eat you'll feel less screaming going on in your head. Remember that food is nourishment to keep you alive and beautiful. Without it, our hair falls out, our teeth decay, our breath smells, our skin gets dull...the list goes on and on.

4.) If you have a scale, get rid of it! Get outside as often as you can. Enjoy the fall air, and realize that you can enjoy so much in the world when you're not couped up inside and slaving away to your eating disorder.

Please let me know how you are doing! And feel free to message me anytime. Be kind to yourself and wish you all the best!

Breathe. Feel. Process. Let go.

DementedSweetheart
DementedSweetheart's picture
Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your response! I'm trying to break the numbing cycle by getting involved with dance, yoga and biking again- I may have figured out what was happening with my health, my doctor thinks I may have either anemia or some sort of virus. I've been working harder at my recovery and managing my behaviors better (though it still isn't fantastic) I know failure this year is not an option (and I'll only really fail if I don't try). Thank you for your advice and help!

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