Jumbled thinking

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claire123's picture
Jumbled thinking

I'd just like to discuss my thoughts around food. Surprisingly I have a lot of knowledge about nutrition and when I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, I completely changed my diet to help reduce my anxiety. At this time in my life, about five years ago I don't think I was b/p (ing). I lived really well and whether or not a consequence my OCD has never affected me to the same extent since.
Since I was very young, maybe younger than 10 my weight has always been an issue for me. I am not skinny, in fact my BMI says I am over weight, but I know that it is because I am strong. The point is, I have always felt heavy, always wanted to be smaller in build so for as long as I can remember I have always been obsessed in my weight and other people's weight - I am constantly comparing myself to others. I have become anxious about the effects of food on my health yet I have run to food for a comfort. My relationship with food is built on anxiety. Eat too much, eat too little, eat to reduce anxiety, eat, eat eat!! That seems to be all I ever think about. I make out that I am a foody, I over eat in social situations as a care free eater, I am far from that,. The funny thing is, I am heavier when b/p (ing) I know I am.
So I am left being a very confused eater. Although I have a lot of information about food in my head it doesn't do me any good when I am eating from emotions or having starved myself before - it's all just to out of control.
About eight years ago I was diagnoses with PCOS. Not a massive deal I suppose, but I began to learn about the syndrome and realised the connection between it and type 2 diabetes. I take metformin which reduces insulin levels when you eat to stop my body developing full blown diabetes. But again back to anxiety - I stuff myself with high carb, fat and sugar products instead of eating to reduce my chances of diabetes. I have also been told how I may struggle to conceive and I have not had a period for nearly a year, but instead of eating right for the future and to be able to have a baby I am b/p (ing). It's all so conflicting - I am doing the things that go against all my health worries. (Even now, writing this, I am nearly crying but thinking of binging - God help me!!! It's ridiculous, but's that's real addiction I suppose.
I reall just wanted to express my confusion, but any advice is welcome.
Good luck to you all x


Saz82's picture
Yes, I was also a very

Yes, I was also a very 'confused eater'! I really can't explain to you why we jepodise our health for the sake of loosing a few pounds, as I don't even know myself! But very good luck in your journey to recovery. Thoughts of binging and depression are often in my head, but with the support from this site and following SE (please give this a chance to work!) I have managed to avoid any major binges and have not purged for over 4 weeks. I'm proof it can't be done! Myself and my husband are currently trying for a baby and whilst I've been 'lucky' enough not to loose my period in the 14 years I've had my ED, I too worry that I've messed something in my body up that may delay me conceiving or cause me issues. This is a major factor for me to be strong and beat bulimia for good! I hope you can too.
Take care x

If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian. ~Paul McCartney

Lingo's picture
I too have been obsessed with

I too have been obsessed with food, weight, looks, food, food, since a very young age. I think I know where it comes from so now how do I rethink, redo, react in a healthy way. Food is my outlet, my procrastinator, my indulgence, my comfort, my secrity balnket and "hug" when I need one. Then at the same time I can say I HATE FOOD! why does it control me?

curlyheadfreak's picture
I am the same - know a LOT

I am the same - know a LOT about nutrition, have diabetes and have done a huge amount of research so that I know exactly how to eat to keep my blood sugar levels perfect. And am able to practise all this in "sane" mode. Am very aware of all the negative effects of junk food, and in "sane" mode would not want to touch this. And yet, I still regularly binge on huge amounts of junk food, make myself extremely ill as type 1 diabetics tend to reach much greater blood glucose levels than type 2s, and go against everything I want and believe in nutritionally. Don't get it. At all :(.

Rue's picture
I had also done extensive

I had also done extensive research on nutrition. ALthough the actual nutrition made me feel amazing whenever i ate this healthy, I had a very hard time finding a balance b/w eating clean but also including some things simply bc i enjoyed them. for me that was the reason my clean eating became an obsession that ultimately led to bulimia. Perhaps this is just another example of how too much of a good thing really can be bad. Or how important balance is. Balance doesn't fit well with black and white thinking, yet temperance is a virtue...

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene

jolieh's picture
hey! I have poc aswell and I

hey! I have poc aswell and I have bipolar 2 so i know it sucks. My binging come from being emotional and it seems to hit me at night once I am relaxed. Just a bit on POC I was diagonised last year because my periods became irregular do to low hormones and the doctor told me that It will be hard to get my periods reguary even when i ont have bulima. Anway when I was in recovery last year for about 8 months and I finally got my periods again. then I went travelling and lost them again, I wasnt eating enough protein and fats and I started to get worried but I knew it was from me not eating alot. Anway when I went back home I started eating more cheese, eggs and good carbs and I got them bac in a month. So sometimes doctors dont know best...maybe once you are eating proberly you may find that they may come back. I Know that my periods may be irregular because of the POCS but if i still get them then I am happy.

Hope it helps

Paigeyyogi's picture
Anxiety is also a huge deal

Anxiety is also a huge deal for me. Sometimes I feel like I lose myself because my anxious thoughts consume me. Lately, my anxiety seems to be constant. Ususally I can figure out why I am feeling anxious, but I havent been able to do that for a while. I just have constant, linguring, anxiety. Food was my answer and has always been my answer to cure my anxiety as well. But as we all know, we end up even more anxious in the end. Im afraid to take anti anxiety meds because I dont want to be a zombie. My mom seems to think that I have PCOS too. I suppose I have some of the symptoms but its hard to tell if those symptoms are from my eating disorder or not. My aunt has it and thats what makes us think that I could have it as well. Ive actually done some research on the relation between PCOS and bulimia. Believe it or not, more bulimics have PCOS than anorexics. For a while, I wondered if maybe my bulimia could be a SYMPTOM of PCOS. I thought that maybe if the PCOS was fixed, then maybe my bulimia would go away. My aunt who has PCOS also has diabetes and OCD. I think that its interesting that most of these behaivors are linked to one another in some way. I believe that bulimia is a form of OCD; were obsessed with food and use to to fix anxiety while also provoking it. I cant help but wonder if there truly is a scientific component behind these diseases that link them all together. Dont lose hope and dont beat yourself up. Youre not alone. The fact that youre opening up about your struggles is improvement within itself. I have several diagnoses under my belt as well and one thing that I learned to do was to stop using them. I used to identify myself with these diagnoses and it didnt benefit my well being whatsoever. Once I seperated myself from them and accepted me for me, moving forward in life has been a lot easier. Its easy to use them as crutches and victimize yourself. However, at the end of the day, we all have our issues and we are all beautiful and unique in our own way. Ive always been quircky and used to be embarrassed by it. But Ive learned that I am who I am and if I dont embrace myself, Ill never be happy. Good luck and stay strong!

<3 Paige

katzcurrent's picture
My recent set of tests

My recent set of tests indicate I have mild PCOS. I have all of the symptoms, although very small scale: increased facial hair and acne, small skin tabs on my neck, and longer than average menstrual cycles. I'm trying to sort all of this out with what I'm also reading about insulin levels and sugar consumption. I once met a recovering bulimic who was middle aged and quite slim but had diabetes 2 as a consequence of years of basically living off of sugar (which is the net effect of a purge... we absorb the sugar and expel all the good stuff, like vitamins and protein).

... Need to learn more about the links between PCOS and bulimia. And yes, I have very OCD-ish traits, also.

My "gut" feeling is that I simply have high cortisol levels and have been running on adrenaline for most of my adult life. That's bound to mess up hormones. Is it a cause or a result of bulimia? Hard to say.

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