Less than xxxx calories a day

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mei_mei
mei_mei's picture
Less than xxxx calories a day

Hi all! I would love to hear from you. I don't know if any of you has the same problem as me, but I am desperate. At the start of the summer I started having more or less than xxxx calorie a day. Whenever I felt that I went beyond this threshold, I purge. I became obsessed with that. Recently, I have been eating a little more than xxxx calories and I tried the best as I could not to purge... My life right now is a constant battle between binge-eating, purging and weighing myself. I usually eat a small amount of food, then i end up getting hungry, and binge eat. It's a never ending cycle. I wish i could control myself more. Any advice? Tonight, after a quite heavy dinner, I ate-lot more than I should have-a whole load of almonds + peanuts + raisins. Right now as I am talking, I am eating some chocolate. My hand keeps going into the box even though I know it's bad. D: Last time my cousin told me that I have no will power. He's so right.

mei_mei
mei_mei's picture
Yeah, I forgot to mention, I

Yeah, I forgot to mention, I put on weight too... For the past 4 years, my whole weight has been fluctuating a lot. I'm so depressed.

dlib
dlib's picture
Hey - sorry to hear you're

Hey - sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it. It's great that you've gotten onto a recovery site so quickly though =)

I am sorry - I can't offer any wonderful suggestions. I've been battling bulimia for 3 years now though - from severe to fairly mild(yay) with lots of ups and downs.

The best thing I could suggest, is to find yourself a counsellor/psychologist.
Don't be scared to shop around either. There are many good psychologists out there, but not all of them have what you need. Some are idiots. I'd strongly suggest finding someone who is a specialist in Eating Disorders. Also, CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) and associated forms of therapy (DBT is one...dunno what that stands for off the top of my head) are shown to be the best at treating bulimia. Google CBT & bulimia. Arm yourself with information.

Read up about bulimia - if you work through the segments of this site, youll be doing really well.

It's not easy. You already know having an ED takes a lot of time and energy. It's worth investing as much energy as you can into recovering too - do the food diary, read the site's information, adopt and use the tools you need (don't try to do everything in the site at once though). You've stumbled upon what is (I think) a really good community to recover in. Reach out when you need some motivation/help =)

I'm sorry I didn't really reply to the initial question, but that'll be more appropriately answered by therapy and the site. One small note - we're asked not to mention numbers on the site - i.e. no specified calories, weights, amounts of food etc. Please don't feel that I'm having a go at you! For some though, it can hurt their recovery process. Maybe just say you've set yourself "a calorie limit"?

Sorry this was so long!!

Feel free to email me on d-l-i-b@hotmail.com if you feel like it.

good luck - you will get there! =)

Das Leben ist Bunt

jwhite0526
jwhite0526's picture
Honestly . . .

If you want to regain control and stop the b/p you have to stop the restricting. As long as you restrict yourself as much as you have been, you are setting yourself up for binges. So I would recommend starting structured eating asap, sticking to it no matter what, and since you seem to have a distorted view of what is a normal amount to eat in a day get somebody else to help you make meal plans that are healthy and aren't in reality restrictive. Hope this helps!

(yes you may gain weight in the short term, but in the long term you end up taking in sooo many less calories when you quit b/p and even if some of the weight gain sticks, you are so much better off and more healthy . . . if weight gain sticks its because you have been trying to keep yourself at an unrealistic weight!)

Tip: When you feel the urge to skip a meal or a snack remind yourself that you are NOT doing yourself any favors . . . you are setting yourself up for a horrible binge later!!

You can do it!

Miss H
Miss H's picture
i agree with jwhite. xxxx is

i agree with jwhite. xxxx is restricting. it's probably less than what your body needs even without ANY exercise, so basically your body needs more even if you were to sit and not leave the house all day. therefore that might be why you're struggling so much. obviously counting calories is not the best policy but i'd suggest aiming for something nearer 2000 and then you might be fuller and less likely to binge.
even though you'll be eating more you may even lose weight, or certainly it will balance itself out at your 'set weight' which might sound a bit scary, but you'll be so much healthier.

BlondeGirl
BlondeGirl's picture
hey there, i am the same, i

hey there, i am the same, i also try to eat around xxxx cals, and it's annoyng...my life is also just like you said a circle between binge/purge/ weight myself, and dream of the ideal weight.or ideal body, i am also a runner, i am jogging for 10 years now, but besides the fact that i binge whenever i feel sad/ or see that i gain weight, i am also sometimes purging whenever i feel like i've eaten too much, it's so hard to do the right thing and stop, i feel like b/p right now, since i feel bloated once again...and a bit sad. my life is a mess and this is makeing it even worst..i wont binge though just have some tea and i hope i will go to the bathroom and feel lighter.i think the secret of going without b/p is getting rid of the problems that make u do that, and also try to eat healthy foods, in order not to gain weight...i know recovery might mean gaining some weight but because i also have some anorexic behaviour that just won't do for me, so i will try to eat healthy and in time to adjust my eating behaviour, i think the first thing is to lose the binging , then lax abuse, then vomiting and after everything that involves unhealthy purge but that in time.

jwhite0526
jwhite0526's picture
I don't mean to sound mean

I don't mean to sound mean but I think that FULL recovery is pretty much impossible if gaining weight is not at least an option. If you remain focused on 'eating healthy foods in order to not gain weight' you will end up depriving yourself and setting yourself up for a binge. I'm not suggesting you eat a bunch of junk but it needs to be available and okay to eat or else you are setting yourself up. We often need to stop the purging part of the cycle before the bingeing part, so weight gain may occur. If you are unwilling to keep a binge then you are destined to purge. In order to learn what normal is and find our set weight we need to let go of all of these restrictions on food and weight. Getting rid of this disease is about being happy regardless of our size. It is possible to do it halfway in the way you are talking about . . . I have many times. But it never sticks and it never leads to happiness. Just some thoughts . . .

BlondeGirl
BlondeGirl's picture
thats a good thought, but for

thats a good thought, but for me as i said above gaining weight would not be an option, id rather do more sport and eat normally, i am really afraid of weight gain,i hate it, anyway thanks for the advice.

alexi
alexi's picture
everyone hates weight gain

everyone hates weight gain but it actually does have to happen. its a sucky thing to hear but it truely does have to happen. otherwise recovery will be delaied and harder to deal with as time goes by. im terrified of gaining and i have agined but at the end of the day no one has said anyhting to me and i feel (try) alright about it. i know its blunt and you dont want to hera it but you will put weight on. surly by trying to not to gain your not recovering your just taking another form of eating disorder. love you for you!

Start to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.

chelsi323
chelsi323's picture
about weight gain

i just wanted to say that NOT EVERYONE gains weight. i have gained a very small amount of weight since i have been eating healthily. i am actually having trouble gaining weight. but also, IT'S NOT ABOUT WEIGHT. i know thats hard to accept, but it's about BEING HEALTHY. it's about taking care of the body that God gave you. it's about treating your body like the temple that it is. and this is achieved by exercising in moderation, by eating foods that nourish your body, and by practicing self-care. it's not about the number on the scale, even though that can be a gauge in health in some cases. but it is not the end all be all. I agree with jwhite in that in order to end the binging, you need to stop the purging and restricting. it will help immensely. it will take time to be able to eat normally, but it will happen! good luck ladies and take care!

jwhite0526
jwhite0526's picture
I agree not everybody gains

I agree not everybody gains weight. The key is exactly what you stated . . . letting go of weight because ITS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT. So we need to accepting of whatever way our weight goes when we treat our body correctly and give it what it needs. For a lot of us that means weight gain but not for everybody. I think we have to have an open mind when we start this process though that weight gain MAY happen and that its okay! We need to take our focus off our weight and put it on the real issues. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make it sound like I thought recovery is the same for everybody, I know thats not true!

Catherine Liberty
Catherine Liberty's picture
I couldnt agree more

I am yet to gain any weight in recovery even though I don't restrict whatsoever anymore. But when I started out I knew it was a possibility. I had to accept it and I did. But like you say, I focused on getting healthy, feeling good, giving my body really good nutrition etc

To want recovery without the slightest possibility of any weight change I feel is just totally unrealistic. But we have to remember that everyone is at different stages here, a lot of people are still really caught up in their eating disorders and disordered thinking.

I really believe that for recovery to be possible you have to give up everything for it. It has to be the number one thing in your life, if you're not at the stage where life and living and getting healthy is more important than a number then I can't imagine how you could even start recovery. Obviously recovery doesn't have to mean and shouldnt mean "getting fat" ie being overweight for your height & build etc but obsessing over weight and numbers and not even considering that some changes just have to happen I think will make a full recovery totally impossible x x

chelsi323
chelsi323's picture
beautifully said! when i

beautifully said! when i decided to recover, i jumped in with both feet because i couldnt take how unhappy i was. sure, i still look at the numbers, but when i began recovery my primary focus was leading a happy and healthy life again. now that that is getting on track, i am contemplating seeking help to see where my weight needs to be and whatnot. not to be obsessive, but to be healthy. my primary goal now is taking care of the body that God gave me, and attempting to love myself in the process. and to be, beating myself for not being a number isn't an option.

chelsi323
chelsi323's picture
you're fine! i was just

you're fine! i was just clarifying. i didnt know if maybe it would give some people comfort that not everyone gains. some people may lose, some may maintain. i gained a few pounds, but it was absolutely necessary because i was underweight. it depends on where your body wants to be at the time, depending on your metabolism, how much it needs to recover from damage, how much and what you're eating, etc. i think worrying about the real issues first is really important. and if for some reason the person is overweight and needs to lose weight for medical reasons, then they can. but i think that should come later on in recovery (i need to take my own advice as far as gaining weight i suppose! lol). it is different for everyone, which is why i think it is really important to take the advice here with a grain of salt and get professional help, whether that means going into treatment or getting a psychologist, nutritionist, and seeing your GP. i find that letting others help me rather than me trying to take all of the control helps me out SO MUCH when trying to recover! i hope you ladies are okay and will continue to take care of yourselves! <3

smileyness123
smileyness123's picture
I try to eat about xxxx

I try to eat about xxxx calories or less day, i know i need more but i cant actually get myself to eat it. Like sometimes i do have more, but then i will defo purge, i've been so strict with my diet that i dont feel the need to eat anymore. I could go like maybe all day with just a cup of tea and an apple or something, but i know thats the road to death so i try to eat a bit more, but that's just something like a cereal bar and another apple or something.

Sometimes i get the urge to eat, but my mind wont let me, i'll just sit in a room staring off into space while inside me my mind and stomach are in an all round war, battling each other, my mind telling my stomach that i've eaten enough and that im fat and shouldn't eat anymore but my stomach tells my mind that i haven't eaten enough and that it's wrong to eat so little.
My mind usually wins, its been so long now, that my stomach is just used to losing.

Hope everything goes well!! Wish you all the best of luck.

X

---

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean that tomorrow wont be the best day of your life. You just gotta get there."

Viscosity21
Viscosity21's picture
Good Site

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bulimia_signs_symptoms_causes_treatment.htm

And people need to read this sentence over and over and over(if you believe bulimia helps you control your weight)...

Purging does NOT prevent weight gain

Contrary to popular belief, purging isn’t very effective at getting rid of calories, which is why most bulimics end up gaining weight over time. Vomiting immediately after eating will only eliminate 50% of the calories consumed at best—and usually much less. This is because calorie absorption begins the moment you put food in the mouth. (helpguide.org)

Angela

GlossyGirl
GlossyGirl's picture
xxxx calories a day is all I

xxxx calories a day is all I have allowed myself for a very long time now. I dont know why I stuck at xxxx calories but I guess this was a safe enough number to survive on without putting on any weight..

Dont be so hard on yourself girl, this condition is soo much harder than most people can understand. I can really relate to you, once I start eating (whether i'm hungry or not) theres really no stopping me.
If you need someone to talk to i'm here, we're all in the same boat here. But this isnt what makes us, we are stronger than this. We just need a bit of support, and a bit of strength to beat this.

*Every Little Helps*

dlib
dlib's picture
I gain weight during

I gain weight during recovery...then start losing it once I regain a good lifestyle. When i relapse I gain weight again.

basically, for me bulimia/recovery period=weight gain.
being recovered = my weight drops a little closer to where it was before I started abusing myself.

Das Leben ist Bunt

cjm0014
cjm0014's picture
i lose weight in recovery.

i lose weight in recovery. however, i still feel uncomfortable about myself, because i am actually EATING and keeping it in and eating and keeping it in OFTEN. structured eating, which means i'm eating like all day! 3 hours or so in between. and i feel yuck cause theres ALWAYS food in there. but i'm actually losing weight, which i don't care about. i chunked my scale out at the beginning of this. its about being healthy. and being FREE. figure out what is most important to you first, then decide how to go about recovery :))

good luck

Be joyful, be patient, be hopeful, be strong, don't give up. You hear me? I SAID: DON'T GIVE UP... DONT FREAKING GIVE UP. One day all things will be right. In the mean time, fight for it with all you got. You're worth it.

Tam2406
Tam2406's picture
the best advice my therapist

the best advice my therapist has given me so far.....dont restrict. Its the start of the binge/purge cycle. Once u restrict u want more, which always leads to a b/p session then guilt then back to restricting. Try eating regulary, something everything 2-3 hrs, u wont feel hungry, wont feel like u have restricted and it keeps steady blood sugar levels and boost the bodys natural metabolism. Also if u want something 'naughty' have it and dont dwell on it. My therapist has shown me proof that overeating or having junk food DOES NOT make you gain massive amounts of weight overnight. That proof is my own weight....i only weigh when i go to my sessions and my weight has remained the same since i stopped b/ping and began eating regulary.

If you fancy something, have it, you wont put on weight by eating it. U put on weight through binge/purging. u body keeps something like xxxx calories even after purging. and all that b/ping confused the body so it holds onto calories more.

Someone wrote earlier about CBT, definatley look into it...the best thing i have done. tried for so long to fight bulimia by myself unsuccessfully. however CBT has really helped me understand bulimia and is teaching me how to recover properly.

"Don't wanna let your mind keep playin' you and sayin' you can't go on.....Things get better through whatever if you fall dust if off , don't let up ,don't you know you can go be your own Miracle "

JoBlogs
JoBlogs's picture
What if I do loose weight

What if I do loose weight through restriction& b/p - I know generally folks dont loose, but I do :S any advice?

Jo
xxx

sisiromy
sisiromy's picture
Hello Maybe if you upped your

Hello

Maybe if you upped your intake every 3 or 4 days of 100kcals, until you reach the 2000 may help? The problem is that your body is in starvation mode which makes your metabolism highly...inefficient at losing weight....

Shannyn8877
Shannyn8877's picture
I can relate. I used to allow

I can relate. I used to allow myself xxx-xxxx calories a day.. while exercising 2 times a day usually. Eventually my body could not handle this anymore and at this same time I began marathon training. This opened the door to binging/purging. My body was so hungry from the "short" 10 mile run days that I would eat a whole box of cereal and then do what I could to "undo" the damage.. since I was way over my xxxx mark. This lead to 3 years of binging and purging. Not to mention I also eat to make myself feel better. Once I realized I did not want to purge anymore I decided if I did "over eat" I would exercise it off. Both restricting and over exercising lead to the binge/purge cycle. The only way to really stop this is to stop restricting calories and/or over exercising.

This can be hard at first. Especially on days where you feel "gross" or "fat" or "bloated"... and when you feel like you have "ruined" your day by eating over what you think you should be eating... but hang in there! Our bodies are amazing. They know we have been starving ourselves and/or removing what we can when we "over eat"... so we are programmed to "store" food incase we go into starvation again (calorie restriction). This may feel like "gaining weight" but it is actually our body becoming healthy. Eventually your body realizes you are giving it the nutrients it needs and stops storing... you begin to function better and you are not as hungry! I remember days when I felt like a bottomless pit and could eat and eat and eat without getting full. Granted, I still encounter these once in awhile but it is far less than what it was before.

When I began not letting myself purge, I did have days where I binged but I did not allow myself to purge. This will happen.. it is OK. Once you get over the hump your binges become less and less. Remember you are only human and we all make mistakes.. you may "slip up" and over eat but that is OK! Just get right back on track. I follow Jamie Eason's meal plan suggestions which requires eating every 3 hours. This way of eating boosts your metabolism and keeps your body healthy and recieving all the nutrients it needs.

Hang in there lady! You can do it.

Shannyn

kurayami
kurayami's picture
I used to only allow myself

I used to only allow myself to eat xxx - xxxx calories per day and it was hell. I felt awful, and I exercised on top of that. After my dietitian sat me down and told me that by only allowing myself xxx calories per day I wasn't even eating enough to sustain a 2 year old child, I realised how ridiculous it was for a grown woman to eat like that. Over time, I've been slowly increasing that limit and allowing myself a few hundred extra calories here and there. It's been about 18 months since I started increasing how much I eat and it's gradually becoming less important because by following my dietitian's recommendation of three meals and three snacks per day I realise that I feel better. My thinking is less depressed and cloudy and best of all, if I allow myself to eat healthily I stop obsessing about food for every single moment of every hour of the day.

Granted I still think about food a lot! I know that that's part of the eating disordered thinking, but by allowing myself to sometimes take the risk to eat a little more over time, I've been able to prove to myself that not only will I not suddenly become some grotesque fat person, but I function better with more food.

Over time, I've gained a little weight but my dietitian tells me that the weight I've gained is actually due to not exercising (I went from exercising daily to not exercising at all) rather than the b/p cycle. He assures me that if I exercise most days (not he didn't say every day) that my weight will stabilise. I did stress about my weight, but he asked me "What does it matter in the long term?" and the truth is that it doesn't matter in the longer term. I still struggle with thinking about calories and all that stuff. But it's becoming easier to not focus on it every single day.

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