LET'S WORK TOGETHER AND END THIS! (a genuine letter for help)

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jshepard935
jshepard935's picture
LET'S WORK TOGETHER AND END THIS! (a genuine letter for help)

I don't even know why I do it. I go all day, feeling great, like it's finally that day when I don't stay up til 5 AM eating everyone else's food and throwing it up, going to bed feeling like a piece of garbage and wanting to XXXXXX. Even after my first purge I realize I don't even want to continue, I want to stop, but then I take a bite of something and time just press forward at rapid speed. My diet usually consists of pretty much nothing but tea until 5 hours into my day, then I have a serving of peanuts, then two hours later a protein shake, two hours later peanuts, then shake, etc. every two hours. But around the evening I decide I want a ham sandwich and BOOM! It all goes to hell in a handbasket. Even on the days I make it to bed without binging and purging, I find myself unable to sleep, and finally give in, deciding I must do it if I intend to get any sleep. So 5 hours of this idiocy pass and I go to bed with grimy teeth, burning throat, a messy keyboard (because I stare at the computer while I stuff my face). WHY DO I DO THIS? And it always ends the same way, with me abusing myself verbally, swearing I will never do this crap again, checking behind myself to make sure there aren't wrappers or crumbs everywhere in the house (Aunt's place, she took me in and has done so much for me, and I exploit her home like it was a Greek vomitorium). I can't tell anyone because they just won't understand--and I wouldn't expect them to, because I have no friggin' idea! I've done so much to stop myself, and it's like my will power turns from metal to mush in a minute! I think I'm a schizophrenic, because the change is instant, and I'm so paranoid throughout the incident and the morning after. Everything that even remotely sounds like someone is alluding to my habit has me digging deeper into their comment to make sure they are oblivious, and I never shake that feeling! The first purge is guilt free, the second is submissive, the third is guilty, the fourth is raging, the fifth is the point of exhaustian, the sixth is the suicidal thinking point, the seventh is complete hopelessness, and when I hit the final binge, and I finally get down a protein shake or handful of nuts, and go smoke a cigarette rather than throw up, I feel like the biggest prick on the planet. I feel like I've been raped and my only outlet is to walk away rubbing my butt and frowning. And I cry, and I beg, for whatever it is in me to just GET OUT! I slap myself! I tried to kill myself 3 times in the past year! I lost my career with the USMC because of a suicide attempt I made after realizing my purging had returned to me, when I thought it was gone forever! The worst is recently, I had a seizure. Why? Because I was chugging a quart of water every hour just to keep myself from even wanting to think of food, and from being concerned with calories. I ate nothing that day, and the water (about 4 gallons by the time I had the seizure) had washed EVERY nutrient out of my body. I now have a $4,000 medical debt and am the source of redicule at work. I hate the latter especially, because outside of this secret inhibition, I'm a real "man's man" and I like it when people remind me that this is what they see. But when I'm slivering about, eating tons of food and staying so scrawny, confusing everyone, developing medical issues left and right--bad teeth, insomnia, weak joints, SEIZURES!--and when my closest relatives are aware of my suicide attempts, the only thing that could make me feel more pathetic is their realization of what is actually causing all of this. I always blamed my father, because when I was about 8 years old and chunky, he took me into the bathroom, stripped me down, took off his clothes, and made me feel his muscles while he pinched my blubber. This went on for an hour. About a month later I started starving myself, and by 7th grade I b/ped for the first time. I felt great, because it worked! I blamed him, but the truth is, I don't know who to blame, besides myself. My whole life has been jacked-up. Parents split up, saw them each only a few months at a time, sometimes seperated from them for a year; moved from state to state after kindergarten, never developing friends; mother, father, and stepfather were all severely abusive and manipulative towards myself, my sibs, and each other; and it all feels normal to me. So it should come as no suprise that this FILTH, this B/Ping, feels normal! But I don't want it to! I want to be free! I want to scream "I'm free!" for once, just ONCE, without going straight back to it the next day. Please, God, help me! HELP US ALL! I'm only 20 years old and I've been through hell, and back, and back again, and now, I can't live without it! It's not just the food, it's everything about my life! EVERYTHING is so FUCKED UP! I'm sorry for swearing, people, but I find I'm really pouring myself out here! I've gained so little at a time and lost tenfold soon thereafter! I've been so many places, done so much, experienced so much; I've weathered combat, abuse, self-abuse; woken up in the ICU twice, muttering "..goddammit!" Sinking, and sinking, like that Greek myth, the one where the guys gets his guts eaten out every day, only to regenerate over night and be eaten again the next day! Yes, I am pitiful, I am pathetic, I am absolutely sorry and vane and useless and nobody and fake and messed up! And the saddest part is, I've accepted that it won't get better, no matter what I do, no matter whether I accept it, and trying to end it all will only put me down deeper, because I am freakin' cursed! I know this thread isn't all about me, but for Chrissakes, does anyone see where I'm coming from? Is there anyone else out there who knows exactly what I'm talking about without simply replying "Oh, trying cutting caffeine. Try drinking water. Try eat more fats." There's so much more to it than that. It's all the result of some inexplicably perpetuated HELL that I don't remember crossing into! Oh, forgive me for being so self-centric! I know I'm not the only one, I just want to be assured of it! Somebody, anybody, PLEASE, PLEASE help me get through this, and I'll help you. In fact, here's my number: 504-234-9754. Maybe if we work together, if we just lean on each others' backs and push as hard as we can, we can climb out of this shithole once and for all! Jonathan

blondie
blondie's picture
ive been trying to call you,

ive been trying to call you, hope your all good? i read your amazing powerful words... i want out of this shithole also!! we can help eachother if you want... i live in australia so no idea what time it is for you...maybe your just sleeping??? sweeat dreams x

blondie

jshepard935
jshepard935's picture
no I can't find my friggin'

no I can't find my friggin' cell charger, lol. Good news, though: venting helps. I've been clean all day, don't even feel like touching food, not even thinking about it! I highly recommend doing what I did and just letting it all out! Thanks for calling me though, I did manage to see the same unusual number 3 times on my calls-list before the stupid thing cut off, lol.

kachina
kachina's picture
you are not alone. the

you are not alone. the linear answers don't exactly help. it is a deep pain inside the heart, and a desire for all the pointlessness to stop, the pain to stop. it is a seizuring of the brain, and an avoidance of deep confusion. it can feel like a washer dryer cycle of pointlessness, never ending.
stop beating yourself up, you are not alone! you must love yourself a little, so youre going to have to build on that and stop ripping yourself apart because you've got an illness. so what! so what if you have a problem, so do i. most everyone on the planet has something. so what if people think you are this or that! LOVE YOURSELF. how? i don't know- but you must learn, everyone must. you are not alone, not a bad person. you are sensitive and bright and not alone. and you will get thru this.
please go buy omega 3 ( fish oil) capsules, they help the brain from spinning. beyond those little bits of advice, just know that each new sunrise is a new chance to start again, to have a new experience...things never stay the same and so be prepared for changeg-because it will shift.

jshepard935
jshepard935's picture
i will try that..

the omega thing, i will give it a shot. somehow today i've managed to stick to my diet (pretty much just consuming a shake every 4 hours, and munching on bag of peanuts containing 8 servings). i'm a control freak when it comes to my body.. yet, i violated my diet today and felt NO guilt! I ate a fortune cookie, and I smiled :D. it was tastey. i also haven't even eat that whole bad of nuts, and i still need one more shake for the day, and I really just feel like hopping off to bed, genuinely tired. i got my workout in, as usual, and didn't panic about whether i'd get enough protein today and start wolfing down chicken! it's absolutely amazing what a little bit of tenderness will do for you.. thanks for your advice, and you too, Peggy! I got your message and accepted your invite. I really hope we all pull out of this entirely.

kachina
kachina's picture
you

thankyou for being so courageous and honest- for daring to feel.
now i just read about the shake thing..please don't forget to eat some protein and vegetables too. whenevr i fast or eat only one food group (and believe me, i'm an expert) the whole thing starts again. i know u r a boy but the diets of ann louise gittleman help me- they are very balanced. remember to add variety. and by the way- i don't think being uber skinny is attractive for men or women. you know what is attractive? being comfortable in your body and not being attached to it so much, cuz we are not going to be in it forever. you are remembered and you are beautiful, and i am sending u a hug.

kachina
kachina's picture
oops, just read your other

oops, just read your other post about the food u prefer. hey if the protien makes you feel uncomfortable then, as you say, FOCK it!

barreddoors9193
barreddoors9193's picture
you have an amazing life and

you have an amazing life and an amazing story.
i respect you so much for posting it, and i am absolutely sure that it feels like a big weight is just rolling off your chest.
i definitely know what you are talking about.
it is like a freaking drug that you can't stop.
god, this crap screws up your life, but hey what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger.

keep your head up and always remember we are in this together.

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