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Kare's picture

How are we supposed to live in this world when our minds fill us with urges, self-hatred, resentment, pain, hurt and FEAR. With an eating disorder, a sick mind, are we really living at all?

My mind has been consumed with food (what to eat, how to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, food plans, pills, books...) for over 10 years and somehow I graduated university, teacher's college, I have a career, I have loads of friends, a wonderful family, incredible furry daughters, and a loving husband. So yes, we can have a life, but how mindful are we while living the life? I look back on those 10 years and it is one big fog, how I got through them is beyond me, how I kept relationships and friendships (I did lose many) is beyond me, how my heart is still beating, beyond me.

There was a period of time earlier on in the 10 years where I shut myself in my house with food. I didn't want to go out with friends, I hated myself, I wanted out. I needed help, I wanted help, I didn't let HELP help me. Social occasions, holidays = burdens, fearful events where I just may give in to my urges or let myself go. I feared fear, I feared LIFE. So was I really living? I certainly was not mindful, I was never living in the present moment. If we live in regret of the past or in fear of the future are we actually living at all? I don't think so.

I am on this site to learn how to LIVE. To BE in the present, to work with my fears instead of give in to them, and to gain love and respect for myself. I need you, I need your support, people need people. I could not heal alone with food. I could not heal myself with my own thoughts. I need to reach out, I need to accept hands that reach out to me. We can do this together. We deserve to live!

Today I am taking myself out of my comfort zone, I am going to live. I am going to visit two great friends, bring my lunch packed and my furry girls and live in the moment, appreciate the laughter and the joy, I am going to LIVE.

Wishing you all a day full of peace, mindfulness, and LIFE!


larissag's picture
You go girl! When we start

You go girl! When we start RE-BALANCING our bodies, we get out of the fog of despair and turmoil. Just a couple clean food days under your belt and you will slowly start to see that misery disappear. That unmanageable life of toxic emotions will be distant and foreign. Like a past self we hardly remember. We will be baffled that we could do such things with food. It will seem strange and distant. With time, you will gain all rewards of recovery. I believe in you dear girl with all my heart.

I look back on my life too and I see that for about 8 years, I was doing the motions, alive, but I wasn't living. I was so out of step with actual life, I could care less about myself or other people. I just wanted out, but I didn't know HOW to get out. I kept making my own trap. Falling into it over and over again.

It is like I stopped maturing when I picked up the eating disorder. I became a pro at having an eating disorder and lost all other interests in life. My ED was my life. It was what I knew best.

But thank God I have my life back today! That I don't wake up every morning with this doom over my head. That I know that I have the choice to make it a good day. That I don't have to feel trapped and stuck in the misery in my head.

Where you are at right now, this too shall pass. Be patient and know that with each day, good or bad, you are walking a new road towards a free life of eating disorder thoughts.

Much love. You enjoy that lunch date. I love that you are bringing your own lunch. Failing to plan is planning to fail. You know it!


to thine own self be true

Kare's picture
Thank you for your response

Thank you for your response Larissa. I had a great time with my friends and then I binged all the way home.


LeaLea's picture
I hope it goes well today,

I hope it goes well today, but even if you feel down afterwards if it didn't quite meet your expectations, remember that this is the beginning and things will only get better from now on.

I, too, lost all my friends. I only have one true friend now and my amazing boyfriend, but they are so important to me. One day I'll be able to give back to them the love and life they give me.

All the best for you lunch date! Woo!


LeaLea's picture
Silly me for forgetting to

Silly me for forgetting to refresh the page before I replied, oops.

I see you've been out. I'm sorry it ended in a binge, but please hold on to the one positive thing of actually braving the outside world in a normal type way and going for lunch! Even one normal type behaviour among the sea of abnormal bulimic ones is a huge positive. I've not had any normal type behaviours for so many years, so it would still be a small triumph.

Keep your chin up and focus on that, my dear. Maybe next time it will be a smaller binge, then one day you'll go out and they'll be no binge afterwards, just the memory of a good day. Think of those before binge memories from today to keep you focused on trying again.


Kare's picture
Thank you Lea. :) Keeping

Thank you Lea. :) Keeping positive over here. Just signed up for the coaching program and I am so excited to progress in my recovery!


Kat Chattin
Kat Chattin's picture
Hi Kare, I am new to the

Hi Kare,

I am new to the site. This is actually first message I've written. I connect with you so much on your desire to live. I've been striving to heal for so many years... tried several different approaches, several therapists, programs, tried to do it on my own, asked my family and closest friends for help.... Nothing has worked.

I am excited about this site. I believe it can be different. I can do it this time. I am using all the tools and super motivated. I just turned 30 and do not want to lose another year to bulimia. I will not.

I, too, find myself triggered after a meal with friends. It is a very frustrating urge because I so enjoy spending time with friends and vow everytime, I will eat my healthy, nourishing lunch and get on with the day! But nearly always it ends in a b/p.

My idea for us in the future to effectively deal with this urge to binge:
Ring a close friend or therapist that knows the struggle, share the trigger and our desire to get through lunch without a b/p result. Meet friends, enjoy company and food. As soon as your solo again, in car or walking, wherever, ring your support person again to check in and for accountability. Arrange to call again in an hour.

Any other ideas for dealing with this type of trigger?

Keep your head up! I made a decision when I started this program that it was my last day one. January 20. Getting to recovery is not perfect. There will be relapses. But the movement towards progress, the general trend of lessening episodes, normalizing our eating habits and beliefs about food is the road to recovery.

I had three clean days over the weekend with my family, then my first day back home, yesterday, I b/p 3 times. I felt disappointed and frustrated. I recorded the episodes in my food journal, started today with the audio and downloaded the BHM book. Today is my opportunity to LIVE. I am struggling right now to keep my lunch. Struggling with the belief that I do not deserve it. But I DO deserve it! My body is amazing and so good to me. I deserve the food. And I deserve to set myself up for a clean afternoon and evening today. So do you!!!!

Kat Chattin

Kare's picture
Hey Kat, Thank you so much

Hey Kat,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me and replying to my post.

You have a great suggestion about being accountable to someone before and after meeting with friends and being social. I think that is definitely a great idea.

I am going to post a blog in the next 30 mins about what I have learned the past few days being on this site and I think you would enjoy it.

You do deserve your daily meals and your body does deserve your acceptance and unconditional love, don't for get it ! :)

Good for you to join this site after struggling for so many years, your determination says so much about your character and it shows that you have it in you to heal, to fully recover!


jolieh's picture
hey kare, I just wanted to

hey kare,
I just wanted to say thankyou for sharing your thoughts on living in the present, I think we get so caught up with the ed that we miss out on other parts of our lives. Its so hard to remind ourselves that in 1 year, 10 years or how ever long that 1kg or 2kg is not going to kills u or worry us. However, in the moment it seems like the world is going to end. I feel so guilty that I have missed out on so many amazing moments with my friends and family, and for me I want to really just practice being in the now, not think about the next 5 minutes or tomorrow. I think this can be a really big help in recovery.

Good luck

Kare's picture
Thank you jolieh :) I wish

Thank you jolieh :) I wish you all the best and a life full of amazing moments with family and friends. :)


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