MIND BINGES

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becsyboodle
becsyboodle's picture
MIND BINGES

I am so frustrated, I keep binging and won't stop, I'm at the point now that sometimes I'm not even in the zone ... I'm just eating for the sake of it! It's soooo annoying I feel like I'm self sabotaging my recovery! Bloody hell this bulimia is a complexed evil thing! I do want to recover and I hate feeling like this, I don't leave the house anymore,only to go to work! I never socialise! :-( I miss socialising, but after 4 years of hibernation I'm scared of the big bad world! I feel like I don't know how to re socialise! ..... :-/

I feel like I'm in a viscous circle of .... Feel lonely - binge - feel fat - purge - isolate myself - binge - purge and so it continues!

Anyway sorry for the rant. Just so frustrated with myself ! Grrrrr ... Has anyone else experienced the MIND BINGES and has any tips on how to control the, I've tried the things in the BRM guide book but they aren't cutting it :-( maybe I just need to keep trying! I know recovery isn't instantaneous (wish it was) .... Thanks for listening guys and I wish you all the best in your own recoveries

Love Bec x

ElleMarie
ElleMarie's picture
I know exactly how you feel

I know exactly how you feel it feels as if you are trapped and that's all there is for you because it's become so habitual and a part of who you are! BUT the beauty is that's not the case. I battled this for ten years and only got help in 2011 when I went to rehab in California - It was great to have the support of people watching me especially because I already had the drive to want help I just couldn't stop the cycle on my own it seemed. So after being in the facility it helped me to realize that there was a life without binging and purging and without that I was a totally different person in fact the best version of myself. I started to see things different, like things I used to find "lame, or annoying", saw a different side to life and even was the most creative I had ever been. The drive kept me in recovery for ten months until my mom died and then I relapsed shortly after due to how sudden and painful that situation was but I knew recovery was something I wanted so badly as did she so I went back to rehab in the summer got back on track and then left early to start school relapsed shortly after -got in with the wrong friends, wrong boyfriend, etc. What I am trying to say was - it is all about the mind and how badly you want recovery. My mind played so many tricks on me before rehab thinking there was no way I could ever go not even a day without this because that would mean the "end of the world" and now I know how ridiculous it sounds but b&p was the main help of all of my anxiety and emotional pain I turned to it for EVERYTHING it was my crutch. This time around I finally had a harsh talk with my sister and realized that recovery is an individual thing and so I did not go back to treatment I took what I learned from there and put it to use at my house and prayed everyday to get through each day and the first week was the hardest and second as well. As the weeks go on it does get easier. YOU HAVE STRENGTH IN YOU! The thing about eating disorders is that they tell us all of these lies so we turn to food to feel love and then feel horribly guilty and gross so we have to purge but the reality is we don't need the food to feel loved. RIght now I am looking at my meal plan as my medicine - that I have to have it to survive. Don't judge your recovery everyone is different. You are a lot stronger than you think and when you hate your disorder most is probably when you're going to get out of it. I got sick of spending copious amounts of money on food binging and purging and feeling even worse than before that 2 minute gratification turned into hours of self-hatred. I suggest also journaling it really helps! Get out all the yucky emotions so they don't internalize and make you feel like the eating disorder is the only option. You are valuable, worthy, and loved, and deserve to have a beautiful life not one where your eating disorder dictates how you life. Don't let it run your life - you can take your life back because I believe we all who suffer with this have immense strength when we let it shine through!
xo

Elle

becsyboodle
becsyboodle's picture
Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your reply Elle, it brought a tear to my eye, firstly I'm sorry to hear about your mum x .... Thank you for sharing you story with me. I have started journaling recently, I think it does help, as I'm not as emotional as I once was, writing things down definitely helps release all those pent up feelings. I guess i just need to let go of the emotional support I get from binging... Find other ways to deal with feelings rather than stuff them down with foods for a small moment of peace only to be squashed seconds later by the harsh feelings of guilt self hate and loathing. I suppose nothing's ever easy. I will continue to take each day as It comes, again thanks for your reply it really made me feel a lot better and reignites my fire to kick bulimas butt! ... I too wish you all the best in recovery! X x

Bec xo

"Every day might not be a good day but there is good in every day."

ElleMarie
ElleMarie's picture
Thank you so much she was

Thank you so much she was definitely the best mom! Things don't ever happen as planned! That's great that you're journaling it's so helpful and the best thing I noticed for my recovery is I don't future trip because that gives me anxiety so I try to just live moment to moment otherwise I will feel too overwhelmed! Take every minute by minute! Any progress is progress we have to be gentle with ourselves and no two recoveries are going to be the same and that helps as well because sometimes if we compare we beat ourselves up and really we need to pat ourselves on the back at the good we do! Bulimia wants us to only see the bad the negative it's time we shine light on the good and positive that's why this site is so beneficial as well! I added you as a friend! I believe in you make the choice to stop letting Ed control you because remember you are stronger than ED!!!!!!!

becsyboodle
becsyboodle's picture
Your so right about taking

Your so right about taking each day as it comes! I often think too much about the future and stress myself out, like telling myself "you should have a boyfriend by now, times ticking" "i should be focusing on a career for the future" "I'm not getting any younger I should hurry up with all of this" these are unhelpful pressures I put on myself? Worrying about my future and how I'm not getting any younger, when I should be focusing on getting better and once I do, all of that happen when it's supposed to! i love how you said take each day as it comes... so try and I must remember this. Being gentle with myself is really going to benefit my recovery. I guess being kind to yourself really is the key, like you said bulimia only really wants to see the negative, when really it's the small things that add up and make this all worth while in the end! Thanks Ellemarie xox p.s got your friend request :-)

ElleMarie
ElleMarie's picture
I know exactly what you mean

I know exactly what you mean but yes just take it slow because once you are healthy all of that good stuff will come! That's just added stressors and anxiety to add to doing bulimia so if you give yourself a break on those thoughts you'll be a lot more successful I promise! I always think FUCK I need a boyfriend whose normal and I am running out of time but realistically I have to love myself because I always end up with these emotionally damaged people that can't even give me what I need anyways so it's like I am alone and then it's more frustrating because I am wasting time with the wrong person but because I don't love myself I stay in it thinking it could change. Sort of like bulimia (thinking it's a good solution at the time) then realizing how wrong we are after the fact. It's a vicious cycle and it carries out in all parts of our lives well for me anyways. Be so gentle with yourself and any step is a step in the right direction.!!! Bulimia really does only want the negative : you can't do this, other people have to go to rehab so what makes you special, it's life long give up BUT NO you take a stand and say FUCK THAT I am different and recovery is unique to ME. Some need rehab some don't, and it's not life long you don't have to "battle" it forever. I promise. I know that we are stronger than our demons and with the right kind loving affection we give to other people if we give it to ourselves great things can happen. I BELIEVE IN YOU! and yes to the friendship request thank you so much!
Say good bye to ED. and change your mindset!

becsyboodle
becsyboodle's picture
Elle marie you really are a

Elle marie you really are a special person! You words are so genuine and kind and really resonate with me.
I woke up this morning feeling shit and then read this post and you have made me feel heaps better. X x your right about loving yourself first, I can't even begin to think back to all the douche bags I've dated in the past because I never thought I was good enough to be treated well :-/ .... I believe in you too xx I know we can kick bulimia arse! One step at a time x o x

"Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end."

lh
lh's picture
Thank you Elle and Becs...I

Thank you Elle and Becs...I feel the same way as you both..Overcoming bp in the mind is the hardest part of this.

lh

ElleMarie
ElleMarie's picture
Aw I'm so happy to have

Aw I'm so happy to have helped both of you!! It's all in the mindset! Right now I just went on twitter on my ex boyfriends page and he wrote about how hot these cheerleaders and celebrities are and knowing in recovery I know he did it to be a spiteful dick. Usually I would say omg I am not enough and go to the store and b and p and cry all night but this is a test at 39 days. He's a bastard and am I going to let him make me feel less than? No!! And cheerleaders and celebrities!?! WooHOO beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I can't change what he likes or dislikes but I sure as fuck like that I am natural and real. Being fake doesn't exist so fuck him and yet again I parallel him to my eating disorder bc it's those types of standards that put us here!! I did text email and call to no avail but I left messages bc it's down right rude however I can take my power back by never going on his twitter again. He likes that fake look fine I don't need to self sabotage my life bc he's an insensitive FUCK. Now I tell you both this bc there are triggers everywhere but when we can handle them we get stronger than ever and especially in recovery people tend to say the WROnG things if they don't have an eating disorder experience personally! So I challenge you both to love yourselves with me. No man is making me feel less than and screw Eds unrealistic expectations! Day by day we fight and get stronger. Food pretends its a comfort and it's damn well not it makes everything worse and purging makes it triple as bad. We feel weak worthless hopeless frightened for the future our health. Enough. I love you both and keep day by day telling yourselves that. We need to love ourselves and then the best miracles can happen and trust me ED will be pissed but we come out on TOP! Xoxoxox

becsyboodle
becsyboodle's picture
OMG you are soooo right!

OMG you are soooo right! Screw him and the cheerleaders, all that matters is you, not his immature behaviour! ...I think you have handled the situation well, and I can understand it hurts in these situations, but you have been so strong to turn this negative around into a positive!!! And inspired me too .... I also had an ex boyfriend situation today. My ex boyfriend came in to my work today (I haven't seen him in over 9 months). I saw him then quickly ran and hid out the back until he left, all because I was too embarrassed to let him see my weight gain :-( then after he left, I just thought to myself "did I really let that douchebags opinions make me hide out the back?" WTF! Next time he comes in, I'm going to hold my head high and not give a rats arse what he thinks! My recovery means more than any of his small minded opinions anyway. Like you,I would have usually gone and b/p but I told myself, I'm not going to let that douche ruin my recovery.
Then I came on here and read ur post and now u have empowered me to stay strong and fight the urge. Food is most definitely not going to comfort me today.
I guess it's true what they say “You can't control other people's behaviour, but you can conrol your responses to it.”

Sending lots of love and hugs your way ... Here's to recovery! Xxx :-)

CandiceD
CandiceD's picture
Has anyone any tips on trying

Has anyone any tips on trying to avoid night binges .i do ok in the day but binge every tea time.u think about good constantly .im obsessed with it and it really worries me.Im not normal

Candice

CandiceD
CandiceD's picture
Sorry predictive tx .meant to

Sorry predictive tx .meant to say am obsessed with food!!

Candice

becsyboodle
becsyboodle's picture
hey candice, I'm in the same

hey candice, I'm in the same predicament the evening is harder for me I'm too busy in the day to even think about food at the moment but BAM as soon as I'm home that's it ...food is all I can think about, I guess the only way to stop is too occupy yourself with something else, I usually paint my fingernails as it distracts me Nd when I want to binge I can't because I don't wanna smudge my nail polish ? I know it's sounds silly but it works for me lol .... Are you eating enough in the day? Maybe ur not getting enough food so your body is calling out for food by the evening? Xx

CandiceD
CandiceD's picture
I've been told by the

I've been told by the dietician today that I need to eat more.i feel so depressed and so low.just feel trapped in this horrible nightmare.really struggling to even do anything positive at mo xx

Candice

luckymom2four
luckymom2four's picture
I am so glad I came across

I am so glad I came across this post tonight... I can so identify with all of you - and it helped just reading what bec and ElleMarie had to say. I know I am not alone - others understand what I am going through. Sadly, though, it's only on here that I have those friends who understand. As much as others want to think they understand - they just don't get it, and even though they "want to help", I know they get bored after a while, and no one really understands bulimia if they don't have it, so support from friends and family doesn't last long. I started a new post just tonight about my pack of progress over the summer months. Ugh!

Robin

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