need help, clarity

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bella_reverie
bella_reverie's picture
need help, clarity

Is recovering at my own pace bad? I mean i am not fasting or doing anything absurd.

I just feel like my family really puts pressure on me to recover at a certain date/time and i KNOW i have had this for a long time. this is the first time in my life however, well in the past 10 years that i've struggled with this illness..that i feel i can really recover. but why can't i take it in my own course?

I also don't understand, why do I feel the need to PROVE my recovery? To anyone? I feel it with my parents, its never good enough. I feel I make so much success or progress when I think about it, and how far I have come - but no one else sees it. It's not good enough for my roommate who still probably thinks (and said it verbatim to me) 'You are not trying hard enough.'

These people don't understand at all how complex the ED is and our relationships to food.
I am trying and then it's never good enough.

So, today I'm utterly confused and don't know how or where to pick up the pieces.

I'm just in tears, hope I can at least sleep for a bit.

livefree
livefree's picture
Bella-this post makes me so

Bella-this post makes me so sad:( I hate when my family doesn't realize when I'm doing good, but they are the first to point out when I'm doing bad! Remember the recovery comes from within. Healing comes from within. Recovery is the result of the work we are all willing to do. Recovery is hard and long, and noone should expect it to be butterflies and flowers. But if we work at it and work as hard as we say we are, there will be a point where we can say we are recovered. I am not there yet either, but I know that in time I will be ready to say it when I truly feel it in my heart that I am recovered. I can not stress enough that recovery is a result of the work that each of us individually is willing to do. It is a healing process within that takes work, stress, tears, and many many emotions.

Life gives us an incredible gift called choice. Everything we do, everything we say, everything we eat, everything we don't eat, everything we binge on, etc... is OUR CHOICE. We have to a choice to recovery. We have a choice to binge and purge. Let's choose recovery <3 Choosing recovery also means choosing tears, really tough times, and battles within our minds. I think this is why so many people put off recovery or choose not to recovery, because choosing recovery is the hardest choice. Not recovering is the easiest choice, but it means keeping our illness. I would rather struggle in recovery than have it easy keeping my eating disorder. Try looking at it that way and choose recovery because you have the choice and you want recovery.

There is only one person that could ever make you happy, and that person is you.

4STARDAYDREAM
4STARDAYDREAM's picture
My parents do this as well

My parents do this as well hun - I think they mean well, like they want the best for us, but they don't understand that this is a long and challenging process. Personally, I get the attitude like "it was cute for a while, but it's old news, can't you just get over it already? Stop wasting all the food!!!"

Given that they have never experienced Bulimia, we do have to cut them some slack. As much as my parents love me and have always supported me, with this, they are completely lost. It's not that they don't want to help and support, it's more that they don't know how. It seems the norm for us - but you have to put yourself in their shoes too, it might be confronting/intimidating for them to try to understand it. Despite all that, it still hurts, and some days I do get frustrated with their attitudes and wish they would be more supportive.

Keep at it on your journey though, keep putting one foot in front of the other . Recovery is the biggest challenge but also the biggest gift that you could ever give yourself. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if your family is on board every step of the way, or waiting at the finish line. For all of your questions, needs, confusions, that's what we're all here for! Smile today :) xx

Life will continue to give you the same test, until you pass it. Whatever that pass is, is deemed by you.

darthdawn
darthdawn's picture
Hang in there Bella, because

Hang in there Bella, because they can't understand how hard this is they will say and do some silly things. That's why we need this site to have support from people who really get it. You are working so hard at your recovery, you should be so proud!!!
I was asked today if I thought I needed more help than this site offered because I slipped yet again and B/P. I was pretty devasted by the comment too....If Iook back at my almost 2 months on this site where I have been really trying, I can see that I am doing better than I have done in years and years since I started down this road - this site is helping me tremendously. And I know that I am on the path to recovery. Every day I don't B/P is a victory right now for me. So when someone important in my life just focuses on the slips, it is hurtful. But as 4stardaydream said, we need to cut them some slack since they don't understand.
I response to my husband was that I am doing well. That slips are to be expected, and I am making progress and learning from them. I reminded him it is estimated to be 12 months to recover. big breaths!

``It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good`` - Nina Simone

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