New to BMH- looking for friends, support and motivation

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rach07
rach07's picture
New to BMH- looking for friends, support and motivation

Hi my name is Rachel and I have just joined up to BHM.
I have been struggling with disordered eating for around 6 years now. I have always been a perfectionist and anxious. I tended to resort to eating when anxious even as a child however growing up I didn't really gain weight until I had passed puberty. I put on weight in my last year of high school and then took a gap year to nanny and learn french. During this year away I initially binged almost every day for 3 months, particularly when home alone and at night. I put on a fair bit of weight for me and then in trying to loose the weight really restricted my intake. This triggered binge episodes followed by even more restricting, over exercise and vomiting.
I came home after the year having lost the gained weight but couldn't shift the depressive, compulsive thoughts I had found myself in. I was absorbed in self-hatred and hopelessness. I became anorexic, hardly eating at all. After a while with huge support from my family, I began to slowly refuel my body and managed depression with medication. However constant fear of gaining weight remained and I would restrict my food (although I felt that I was eating heaps). As i tried to eat 'normally' this fear lead to purging after dinner. As this went on I started binging more frequently. At worst I would binge and purge all day, up to 8 times, each time eating copious amounts of food.
I have put on weight again and the negative self-image thoughts are manifesting.
I have had therapy for depression, anxiety, anorexia and most recently bulimia. I fell like a failure because I haven't made these therapies work. I am over this horrible disease and ready to change my future.
I can't wait to meet you and find support in each other.
I wish everyone all the best in their recovery.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Rachel :)

Poppet
Poppet's picture
Hi Rachel I understand the

Hi Rachel
I understand the pain loneliness and depressed feelings
This is a tough horrible illness
I recently had more trouble than usual with food and found that loving yourself as much as you can is the trick. Do whatever it will take. Buy new shoes, get a facial, treat yourself to an accessory, perfume, lipstick, massage, tea with a friend that makes you laugh, go for a walk, stroll around your favourite city, watch a comedy ...
Whatever will reinforce your self esteem.

Mine are:
Dressing nicely
Going for a run
Reading a good book
Thinking about nice holidays or the dream life

What do you loooove doing?!

xxx

Poppet

rach07
rach07's picture
Hi Poppet Thank you so much

Hi Poppet

Thank you so much for your reply!! I have had a really rough week and can;t seem to get myself going on structured eating.
I really love your idea of doing things you love, trouble is i often don't enjoy anything when I am really down but the hings I love:
- dancing
- painting/drawing (something I have just started doing again)
- having a laugh
- spending time with my friends
- walking in the outdoors
- and dressing nicely is one of my things too
Ot's so hard to love myself sometimes.

Thanks again for your reply and help, I will try one of these things next time I feel rubbish.

In health, Rachel xxx

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