No Control in my life....

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stuna's picture
No Control in my life....

I've been on the site for about an hour now reading blogs and posts and though I didn't want to write a thing, I finally feel like I have the strength to. Reading Lindsay's recent post after a hard day and all the positives she gained from posting even though she didn't want to, is making me feel like I should probably do the same...
I get angry because I don't think anyone understands what I'm going through, then I come on this site and there are people blogging about exactly what I'm feeling! It's so amazing how you all make me feel like I'm not as alone as I thought I was.

I moved back home to my family home in Sydney after 4 years living in Melbourne just yesterday. It is a huge change. I am also waiting to hear back about a course I applied for and I hate not knowing if I got in or not... I don't have control over anything in my life at the moment, including my weight. I don't feel like I have anything in my life I am proud of. I've graduated uni but not knowing about my further studies is putting me through hell. My weight is normally something I am proud of, that people would always call me "little". Even though I'm not heaps bigger (I still fit in to my clothes, but they're tighter) and I do look healthier in my face, I still feel like all my old friends and family that I haven't seen in a while are looking at me and my weight gain, wondering what was the point of me leaving home to study and what do I have to show for it... a bigger tum??
I really just feel like I'm a bit of a failure. I think I expect a lot from myself and I do want to be good at every aspect of life - I want to be likeable, smart, successful and good looking. At the moment I feel like I'm none of those things.
This could just be a bad day in recovery and maybe the change and the stress of moving is getting to me... I'm not sure, but I'm feeling sad so much more often then ever before - I get scared not knowing when the bad feelings are going to creep back. I want recovery to be over. I want NOT to feel heavy. I want to like myself everyday. Even if it's not all day everyday, but just at least for a moment each day, so I can have a little bit of clarity.
I am ranting, I'm sorry. But I hope someone can relate.

Thanks guys.



lindsay6's picture
One thing someone told me a

One thing someone told me a long time ago that kind of stuck with me is no one ever has control over their lives. Anything and everything can change very quickly for the worse or better. The only thing you do have control over is your reaction to it.

Unfortunately it is just the truth. I think when we are unhappy with our lives and then look down at our butt well that just sounds like a good place to start. It is the only thing we can change positively immediately. So you look back affectionately at your ED remembering your very slightly thinner self and that sounds good. However at what cost? We are all here because our ED is hell. Getting through this is so much more important than anything else facing you right now.You already are smart, likeable sensible all those things. As for the job it will come. You are in a much better position for employment not is depths of the black hole of bulimia. You weight will settle out in time and mine too hopefully. This is sort of like going on a diet perhaps in that you do all the work, lose all the weight and then you have to maintain. Maintaining is the hardest thing. Well maintaining this is difficult too but who knows where it will take us next?

When you are going through hell, keep going.

darthdawn's picture
Hi Sophie, How are you

Hi Sophie,
How are you feeling today? I think you need to be easy on yourself - moving back to a place that reminds you of "you before recovery", waiting for news on your school, these are big stressors.
- " I want to be likeable, smart, successful and good looking. " - From what I read/see of you on this site you are all of those things!!!! The trick is to see it yourself. Uni degree, doing awesome in recovery, insightful, caring, pretty, young, ambitious. The world is yours!

``It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good`` - Nina Simone

stuna's picture
thanks girls... I think our

thanks girls...
I think our ridiculous disease had made me rely on people telling me a look little or think to feel good! It's so bad...
But thank you, your kind words and time to write them are always appreciated!!


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