I'm day 44 today, no purging and no going back, well, I'm determined that be true. I don't have a double life any more, I'm just me. Slightly damaged by years of abusing my body, but just me. No secrets, no hiding my laxatives away, no sly shopping trips to buy more, no more days of being alone, purging in secret while my boyfriend is away at work.
To be honest, I'm still quite lost. Although I'm glad not to be purging, I'm at a slight loss as to what to do with my days now. Before I was literally getting up, attempting food, feeling guilty and purging with vomiting and laxatives all day, unable to leave the house because I was too weak, or just needed to be close to a toilet! I know that sense of loss will go in time as I get more confident in myself and step out in the world. It's a good thing to feel that I'm slowly healing my body and in time, I'll feel more whole and fulfilled as a person.
I have a wonderful life, amazing boyfriend, gorgeous cats and my lovely lizards, I live in a beautiful country, have a roof over my head and couldn't really want for much more. As each day goes by it feels like it gets even a little better!
I just wanted to share where I am and hope it encourages some of you to keep going. I never ever dreamed of a life without my EDs as I felt I'd rather be dead than fat, so I was well on the road to letting myself die from anorexia or bulimia. You can turn things around, even if you feel hopeless. Ok, I'm not happy with mu bloat and weight gain and I can't stand to look at myself right now, but I still have all those wonderful things in my life, that hasn't changed and I feared I would lose them all if I wasn't thin anymore. Things aren't quite perfect in my mind yet, but now I'm sure I don't want my EDs to kill me. I want to live and appreciate and LOVE all those wonderful things in my life as much as I possibly can.