No more secret life

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LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
No more secret life

I'm day 44 today, no purging and no going back, well, I'm determined that be true. I don't have a double life any more, I'm just me. Slightly damaged by years of abusing my body, but just me. No secrets, no hiding my laxatives away, no sly shopping trips to buy more, no more days of being alone, purging in secret while my boyfriend is away at work.

To be honest, I'm still quite lost. Although I'm glad not to be purging, I'm at a slight loss as to what to do with my days now. Before I was literally getting up, attempting food, feeling guilty and purging with vomiting and laxatives all day, unable to leave the house because I was too weak, or just needed to be close to a toilet! I know that sense of loss will go in time as I get more confident in myself and step out in the world. It's a good thing to feel that I'm slowly healing my body and in time, I'll feel more whole and fulfilled as a person.

I have a wonderful life, amazing boyfriend, gorgeous cats and my lovely lizards, I live in a beautiful country, have a roof over my head and couldn't really want for much more. As each day goes by it feels like it gets even a little better!

I just wanted to share where I am and hope it encourages some of you to keep going. I never ever dreamed of a life without my EDs as I felt I'd rather be dead than fat, so I was well on the road to letting myself die from anorexia or bulimia. You can turn things around, even if you feel hopeless. Ok, I'm not happy with mu bloat and weight gain and I can't stand to look at myself right now, but I still have all those wonderful things in my life, that hasn't changed and I feared I would lose them all if I wasn't thin anymore. Things aren't quite perfect in my mind yet, but now I'm sure I don't want my EDs to kill me. I want to live and appreciate and LOVE all those wonderful things in my life as much as I possibly can.

Lea

hmarky
hmarky's picture
I can completely relate to

I can completely relate to this! I only recently told my fiancée that I was bulimic and now I can finally be myself. I am a month in without any purges and also am struggling with the idea of getting fat and bloating (in fact I am terrified) but am enjoying the honesty. I no longer have to lie about what I bought at the supermarket, where all the food in the cupboards went, or why I am so upset/grumpy.

With no binging / purging I can get much more done in my day, and being busy helps with distraction. I wonder if I will ever be able to eat without 'those' thoughts, but for the meantime I am happy to be treating my body better. I figure I have changed in a month so that must be progress!

Nice to hear your story, stay well and keep positive:)
Hannah

LeaLea
LeaLea's picture
Thanks, Hannah! I'm glad you

Thanks, Hannah! I'm glad you posted and said where you are at, too. It helps keep some of us motivated to keep at it and strive for a life free from an ED and one day, free from those invasive thoughts that come with it. Well done on your honesty, too, it definitely helps, I think, giving us nowhere to hide such an evil and secretive disease, freeing us bit by bit from it's binds.

Lea

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